I spent Monday and Tuesday crying at my desk over the whole breakup, the afternoons were spent actually working because the emails were piling up and that would make me cry too if I didn’t get them taken care of. I cried myself to sleep every night for almost a week, woke up at 2, 3, 4, and 5 am crying, woke up when my alarm went off, crying. I’ve pretty much just been as sad and pathetic as possible for the past week.
Last night was the first night since last Wednesday that I haven’t cried myself to sleep. Not because I’m over the breakup or not sad about it, because now I’m even more disappointed in NB and have lost some respect for him.
After work, I ran some errands and on my drive home I decided to get myself Wendy’s. I’ve been trying to cut out the fast food completely, because I don’t want to die, but because of the breakup and being sick I’ve lost nearly 7 pounds in a week and a half so I figured that if some kind of food actually sounded appetizing, I better eat it. Anyway, I got my Wendy’s and got it all set out ready for me to eat, and then I got on my computer and looked at NB’s sister’s twitter. Her and I don’t follow each other on twitter, and I’m not even sure she knows that I have a twitter, but she had posted a screen shot of a text conversation her and NB had earlier that evening. In a nutshell, the conversation said that he wants them to go out Saturday night and find some “hot ass”, then he made some joke about how it would be funny if they both hooked up with a random person and the two people they hooked up with were exes of each other. Then he realized that was gross, and weird.
As could be expected, I was really upset when I saw that. I took a bite of the Wendy’s sandwich, threw it in the trash and went to the gym for an hour. I realize that NB probably never expected anyone to see that conversation, especially not me, but it did make me lose respect for him. I mean yes, he is single now and can do whatever he pleases, but I thought he was a lot better than to go out the week after a breakup trolling for ass. That’s something Snoop-Linus and Douchearoo would have done. But I guess that whole saying about how you really don’t know a person until you break up really is true.
I’m not upset that I saw the conversation, seeing what he’s been saying gave me the push that I needed to not want to cry about it anymore. I’m still very much upset about losing him, but I told him how I feel and there’s really nothing that I can do to change how he feels or that he didn’t think me and the relationship were worth talking about and working on. No matter what I say to him, and no matter how much I think the things he told me when we broke up don’t make sense with regards to how he acted and other things he said just a week prior, he knew what he was doing and he knew what he was saying. I know I’ll never hear from him again, especially since I wrote him the letter pouring my heart out, but I still don’t regret sending it.
So, moving on to something that isn’t depressing… this weekend I’m going to visit Gigi in her new city. As of last night, she is newly single too, so I’m excited to see what happens, and can’t wait to get away and get my mind off all of this.