Hot Girl Summer

Ya’ll trying to date during this pandemic SUCKS! Surprisingly, I have dated more during the pandemic than probably ever with 4 first dates in about a year, but it’s still been hard. Now that I’m fully vaxxed and things are reopening, it got me thinking about how fun dating was back in the day like in high school/college when I would go on a date with anyone who asked and went into it with no expectations, just a shared meal, movie, or round of putt-putt with someone. So I decided to date like that again this summer, even though I’m 36, and dub it Hot Girl Summer – because why the eff not?! My mom recently passed away and I’m really not in the mental headspace to date someone seriously, but fun? That I can have.

Back in December I joined Tinder and I got a lot of matches and talked to a lot of guys, as you may remember from QuaranTinder, but that was really just a trial run because I heard Hinge is really where it’s at. So once I was actually ready to start going on dates in May, I downloaded Hinge and got to swiping. Within a couple of days I had my first date scheduled for that weekend. We’ll call him The Quiet Guy, he is 29 and hot and I tried my hardest to avoid all of the get to know you questions he was trying to ask me during the days leading up to the date so we’d have something to talk about. We met at a nice restaurant, ordered a bottle of wine and had a decent conversation – honestly it was a good first date. He seemed like a nice guy, reserved and quiet, DEFINITELY more mature than me, but didn’t really seem all that fun. The other caveat to my Hot Girl Summer is that it is not the time to get into a relationship, it’s a dating multiple guys, having a super fun time all the time type of summer and this guy just wasn’t that. I’m OK with being the more fun person, but I need guys who can let loose a little bit this summer. I think if I brought this guy to Beer Olympics with my friends he would probably tell me how immature we are, even though we’re 7 years older than him, and refuse to hold me up while I was taking my turn at doing a Louisville chugger.

Anyway, I’ve got a doctor, stand-up comedian, teacher, mountain man, romance novel model, and a guy who promises to be reassuring in the queue, so Hot Girl Summer is still on track. I told all of my friends about my plans for Hot Girl Summer and Gigi and Betty were supportive of it, but are really just ruining my buzz every time I tell them about someone by trying to over analyze them and their suitability for me. “The Teacher” is very clearly self-absorbed, most of his photos are shirtless selfies, but he is truly one of the hottest human beings I’ve ever seen, so good for him. This is what Hot Girl Summer is all about, not whether or not he will be a good long term boyfriend. So my Hot Girl Summer escapades are going to be aired out here since we’re just starting and I’m already about to lose it if I hear, “He won’t be good long term,” one more time. In the words of Kyle Cook, “SUMMER. SHOULD. BE. FUN.”

Here’s what I know about the guys currently in the queue:

The Doctor, 29: Right now he is probably my favorite. We’ve only exchanged a couple of messages, but his photos do show a fun side, he’s really witty, and lives in my neighborhood.

The Stand-Up Comedian, 31: This guy is really tall, like almost 7 feet tall. So if we went on a date, it would be comical because I’m 5’4″. I really don’t know if this one will go anywhere though. I made a joke a few days ago asking if he does stand-up comedy in public or if it’s just an at home in front of his dog type of thing and haven’t gotten a response yet.

The Teacher, 30: As I mentioned before, this guy is probably by far the most attractive guy I’ll ever come across in real life or on an app and he does seem very fun based on his profile and Instagram. We just matched this morning and have yet to talk, so we’ll see how the actual conversation goes if/when it happens.

The Mountain Man, 36: This guy is really cute and one that is actually the same age as me, but we matched on Tinder when I first joined back in December and he never responded to my lame pick-up line on there. So when he invited me to start the chat on Hinge, I simply said, “I already started the chat on Tinder and you never responded. I’m pretty forgiving though.” Well, that was 2 days ago and still no response, so this one might be a bust too.

The Romance Novel Model, 35: This is another verrrrrry attractive guy, so much so that he’s been on the cover of multiple romance novels, which I find highly entertaining. We’ve made a pact to read one of them and share our thoughts, book club style, on how we think the author portrayed him as the character. For being super hot, this guy actually seems to have some substance to him, but it’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him – so this might be another one that disappeared into the dating app black hole.

The Reassurer, 29: This guy’s profile is actually really cute. In it he promises to give reassuring hugs and says that he’s loyal and kind-hearted, and I believe it. We just matched today as well, so there’s yet to be a conversation, but we’ll see how it goes.

So we’ll see how this weekend of Hot Girl Summer goes and we’ll meet back here next week!

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29^th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

There’s a great bathroom debate!

My office has been having a lot of bathroom issues lately.

It’s not as gross as it sounds, I promise.

In November, they told us the women’s bathroom on our second floor (where there is both a men’s and a women’s restroom with multi-stalls) was “Out of order” and couldn’t be used.

I didn’t ask questions and started going to the 1st floor bathroom, which is a one-holer…and freezing cold, if I might add.

But when a month passed, and our bathroom was still broken, people started asking questions. We found out that all of the toilets in the bathroom worked, there were just broken tiles on the floor. So, a construction crew came, ripped up the broken tiles, and then we never saw them again.

So, I started using the second floor bathroom (at my own risk) and simply avoiding the parts of the floor with no tiles. Didn’t bother me much. Well, it’s May, and the tiles are still missing (as well as the construction crew).

Last Friday, a chain of emails started in the office regarding our current bathroom situation. Please enjoy:

Hello, Staff.
 
This is to let everyone know Jason has decided that the men’s room on the 2nd floor will now be used by the ladies since there are more women than men on that floor.  So, gentlemen, please don’t use that restroom after today.  Also, I have a “Women’s Restroom” sign to tape to the door if someone would like to come downstairs and put it up there for me.  (Ladies, I recommend not using it until the sign is on the door in case the men should forget.)
 
Thanks,
 
Christine

*   *   *

RE: 2nd floor men’s bathroom

So if we are confined to the men’s bathroom on the first floor near the mini conference room, we are either going to need a lock on the door or a divider put up by the urinal. I can’t speak for everyone, but there are certain types of exposure I tend to shy away from. -Steve

*   *   *

RE: 2nd floor men’s bathroom

Remind me why they can’t fix the ladies’ room on the second floor? Jim

*   *   *

RE: 2nd floor men’s bathroom

Guys, I guess we’re in the dog pound now for no fault of our own, this is why I choose to have 2 restrooms to myself at home. Frank

*   *   *

The bathroom by the staircase is unisex and the door locks in that one. The other bathroom can be awkward. Ernie

*   *   *

Christine, would you mind asking Facility Services to put a lock on the men’s room door on the first floor, or make some other suggestions for how to improve that facility? All the guys, from Jason on down, have commented that it has a very awkward set up. Thanks!
K

No, this is where I work. Let that sink in for a minute.

I HAD A DATE!

Yes, you read that correctly! I went on a date—a BLIND date—Friday.

Since dating D, I’ve only been on one date…and it wasn’t so great (not horrible, but we didn’t go on a second date).

While I’m not in a mind-space of thinking that I necessarily need a boyfriend, I am starting to get bored with myself. Like GOD, can I just leave the apartment once in awhile? Or go and get dressed up for drinks, or something?

So, I jumped at the chance when one of my girlfriends from college sent me a text saying she had a friend she thought I’d be compatible with. I trust her, and she’s got great taste…besides, I had nothing to lose, so I told her, yes I was down for it.

I didn’t really think it was going to happen—not saying she’s a flake by any means, I just didn’t know how serious she, or this guy, was. But about a week later, he sent me his name and asked me out for dinner and drinks via text.

It took everything I had not to Google him; I wanted to go in totally blind. However, I gave Gizzy his name and had HER Google him and just tell me if she saw any red flags right off the bat. She didn’t, so I was glad.

So, Friday, he offered to pick me up and take us downtown to a nice wine bar. When I saw him, in the street, I was pleasantly surprised. He was fit, clean cut, dressed in a button-down shirt, with a small tattoo near his wrist.

We walked a ways and started talking, as we headed toward his car. He opened my car door.

At the wine bar, we both got wine flights, tasted each other’s wine picks, ate some food, and talked. A lot. And I shit you not, he told me I was gorgeous, and that he was surprised our mutual friend didn’t mention how “lovely” I was.

I was nearly blushing—no one has ever said those things to me.

Around midnight, we went for a walk downtown, and found a small, quiet bar to keep talking and get a few more beers. Turns out, we have quite a bit of things in common.

When the bar closed, he took me home, walked me to my door, and gave me a kiss. It was very sweet.

When I got into bed, he’d sent me a text: “Thank you so much for the company tonight. You were more incredible than I imagined. Goodnight and sweet dreams!”

He called me last night, and asked me for a second date this Friday—we are going to a rooftop sushi place. I’m pretty excited, and of course, I’ll keep you posted!

This is what I decided…

Alright, soooo last week I filled y’all in on the trials and tribulations of my job.

This is what I decided.

For now, I’m going to hold off on making some giant, ta-da plan, and just hunker down and hunt for new jobs. Because, sometimes, a problem just isn’t worth fixing.

So, yesterday I updated my resume. And today, I applied for two jobs that both look pretty cool. And you know what? I feel really good about that decision, because today has been a real shit hole in the office.

Of course, it’s Monday, so there’s that. Then, I’m getting some serious work done, and that whole memo thing starts where one person calls me, tells me something to do, I do it, then someone comes in my office and tells me to do the exact same thing, and then I get an email an hour later saying, nevermind.

graaarrrrrr.

Meanwhile, I’ve been watching old episodes of MTV’s Life of Ryan while I do my work—it really makes the day more pleasant.

Anyway, enough about that.

While I didn’t do anything festive on Easter, I was generally just really happy to be relaxing, in my bed, watching DVDs of Sex and The City, because last year on Easter, my then-boyfriend was cheating on me.

I’m just so happy that I’m not in that situation, and that I’ve moved on.

Anyway, that’s all for now…

 

BACK!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!

If you’re still reading this blog, THANK YOU. Once again, I apologize that we have gone missing. We are both still alive!!

I feel like everything has happened since 2014 even started, and then when I sit down to write about it, I don’t even know where to start or what to say.

Truthfully, the reason for me not blogging lately is because I’ve just been SOOOO busy. And no, I don’t mean that in the sense of, omg I’m so busy and I’m so kewl.

I mean that in, I have been working my ass off. I’m lucky (heh heh) if I get a few hours of sleep each night.

So, I suppose I’ll just start with that.

Remember Fatso? My coworker? Well, when I came back to work after the holiday break, he got fired. Seriously. The DAY we got back from a 2-week break, he was fired. Like I was here, in my office, and he got fired.

Okay, you get the point.

Well, I was kind of shocked and not surprised all at once, because, let’s face it, he was a little crazy.

But at the same time, stuff changed IMMEDIATELY. Not only was the energy in the office different, but our web team of 5 was knocked down to 4. One of those workers being a temp, so in March our team of 4 became 3.

And while that sounds exciting, guess who has been picking up the slack? THIS MOTHER FUCK.

Did I get a raise? Nope.

The part of Fatso’s job that I’m covering (and have been covering for 4 months) is a giant social media job that pretty much never stops.

I’m not going to lie to you, I have a little more respect for the guy now that I’m doing his dirty work.

And so, not only did the work at my day job pick up, but I’ve still had to maintain my busy freelance schedule so I can ay my bills and occasionally pay for some fun stuff.

So, things have been rough, to say the least.

But, I’m currently working on a plan to present to my boss to see if I can get a raise, therefore lowering some of my freelance workload. Has anyone out there ever done that?

I need all of the help, advice, and encouragement I can get.

HELP.

I promise, I’ll talk to you guys soon!!!

xoxo

Why am I being punished?

Hey guys!!

I’m sorry it’s been forever—I have SO much to tell you & I promise, there is REASON for me not being around to tell y’all about my exciting life. However, we’ll get to that on a rainy day. Today, I’ve got a little story for you and I hope you’ll weigh in.

Exactly one week ago, I was a guest on my friend’s video podcast. It was a short 40-minute live comedy act and it was pretty funny. The audience was mostly men, and as soon as the show went off-air, some of these guys were texting my friend wanting to know who I was and if I was single.

Oooohhhh heeeeeyyy!!

So one of these guys, we’ll call him MAP, sends me a message on Facebook and after a few exchanges, he asks me for my number. We text a little more and then he asks me if I want to get a simple drink on Friday (yes, Valentine’s Day).

I say yes, and I was pretty excited about it.

At first, I got the vibe that this guy was genuine, nice, he has a good job, owns a condo, has a car, has a degree, is involved in a softball team, has a podcast…

Overall, I was thinking, “Hey, this guy has a life,” which is pretty attractive to me, because I’ve got a lot going on, too.

So, we meet up for drinks, and he orders a nice scotch, I got a vodka. We talked about work, our friends, things like that, but I noticed that he kept talking about his “Budget.”

Now, let’s get this straight. I, too, am on a budget. I get it. And I am NOT looking for someone who is going to swoop in and solve my money problems. However, my money issues are not something I talk about with people I’ve just met.

He was mentioning it so much, that I felt like I should pick up the tab.

So we have two drinks and leave the bar. He walks me to my door, and he goes in for the kiss, and he was holding me so tight I almost fell over. And the kiss… was very forced. Like there were (was?) teeth and tongue and I opened my eyes once because I was trying to pull away.

I went to my apartment with mixed feelings. He seemed nice, like a guy who’s got it all together, but that kiss was horrible…

However, he asked me if i wanted to hang out again and I said sure.

But since then, he’s been texting NON STOP.

Like, we’re talking, he texts me so often, I don’t even have time to answer the questions he is asking me. Sometimes, in a text, he will even ask me what time he should text me.

I don’t know what to do… I feel bad, but we’ve only been on one date and I am already feeling so smothered.

It’s one thing if we have lots to talk about, but it’s another thing, if it’s forced, and I feel like asking me questions like, “What are you having for lunch?” “What’s your political stance?” “Can you do any impressions?” is forced conversations.

Am I horrible? HELP.

And Then High School Crush Got Engaged

That’s right, you heard correctly.  High School Crush is engaged. If you’re a new reader, just go back in our blog posts about 2 years (or from the beginning, cause he was around then too) and it will all make sense.

Last night when I got home from work I decided to look up Peanut Butta Jelly Time (as I like to call her, aka HSC’s girlfriend/now fiance) on Facebook because I had a hankering he would propose around Christmas. Because he’s one of THOSE guys.  And by one of THOSE guys I mean one of those cheap bastards that pops the question around Christmas so he doesn’t have to get you a Christmas gift on top of the engagement ring.  So a couple posts in I see where she has done a reCRAP of all the cool shit she did in 2013.  The last thing was getting engaged to her best friend, soul mate, better half, love of her life. Gag me. So I scroll down to the next post and see the typical newly engaged couple pic of them: standing up doing a half hug with shit eating grins (her gummy grin still looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite) on their faces while her hand rests ever so subtly on his chest displaying her new bling (princess cut with the small diamonds surrounding it. Typical of what you see all the 20 somethings wearing.)

In all honesty I am indifferent about it and really don’t give a shit. I’m over him and have been for a long time.  But what I’m not over is that he (along with many other scum buckets) got away with basically two timing his now fiance at the beginning of their relationship.  And she probably has no idea that I was in the picture DAYS before they moved in together. 

This also got me thinking about something I’m sure have mentioned before: I am ALWAYS the girl that guys date/hook-up with/have one last fling with before they find “the one” and get married. I mean, do I have some kind of power that makes these assholes decide they’re ready to settle down, just not with me? 

Here’s the running list of guys this has happened with:

1. My 2nd long term boyfriend in high school
2. My first college boyfriend
3. Snatch (if you remember, he’s how I met Anth and all those characters)
4. My “football buddy” from college
5. Bi-polar Ex
6. High School Crush
7. HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON
8. Nutter Butter (not engaged YET, but says he’s currently with “the one”
9. Snoop-Linus (also not engaged YET,  but has been with the same girl since we broke up like 4 years ago.)

Now here’s the list of exes that aren’t engaged/still in a relationship with the person they dated after me:

1. My first long term high school boyfriend
2. Douchearoo

It would seem that the way this weighs out is a little more than a coincidence, right?

20. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

LUCKY

There is a restaurant that USED to be near my mom’s house….15 hours away.

They had delicious food. I’ve always known my last meal would be a meal from there…which makes me sound like a sick criminal. Here’s what I would have:

–Bread with olive tapinade

–Angel hair pasta with garlic, tomatoes, and shrimp

–Tiramisu

–And a bottle or two of Two Hands Zinfandel

GIZZY

If I’m on death row I’m not making it to the chair to get electrocuted. I’m going to kill myself by eating too much food before that can ever even happen.

My death row meal would be:

• the petite filet and mashed potatoes from Flemmings
• the buffalo chicken ranch wrap with buffalo chips and cheese (ranch on the side) and bud light lime from buffalo wild wings
• a plain hamburger, fries, a chocolate milkshake, 3 chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of ketchup from mcdonalds
• a spicy chicken sandwich, fries, a diet coke, and a bottle of ketchup from wendys
• sushi and edamame, lots of it and a bottle of good red wine
• 3 crunchy tacos, 2 orders of nachos, and a diet pepsi from taco bell

I think that about covers it. #fatass 

19. What is a typical day in the life of you like?

LUCKY

Oh, like this is going to be interesting…

If it’s a Monday, then I usually wakeup around 5 am, brush my teeth, put on workout clothes, pack a bag of makeup, work clothes, and lunch, and I drive across town to do the 6:15 kickboxing class.

At around 7:15, I take a quick shower, and text my trainer to join me. Around 7:20, he joins me in the shower and we fuck until about 7:45.

Then he leaves and I get ready for work. At 8:30 I get to work, get a cup of coffee, and print off reports for the morning full of meetings ahead.

From 9-11, I’m sitting in meetings. Then I send a few emails, spin around in my chair, and eat my lunch.

In the afternoon, I usually work on freelance or look for freelance jobs or watch old episodes of Jimmy Fallon while I chat with Gizzy on Facebook.

After work, I usually get a spray tan or run errands or something equally lame … and chances are, when I get home, I do freelance or watch tv and dread going to work the next day.

GIZZY

My alarm usually starts going off at 7:15. Every day I reset it to 7:30, when that goes off I hit snooze until 7:40. Then I lay in bed looking at facebook, instagram, and twitter until 7:50 or thereabouts. Then I get up and cuss myself for not getting up at 7:15 when my “wakey wakey so you can get up and werk” alarm went off, because now I have to be at work in 10 minutes and still need to wash my face, walk the dog, put on my eye wrinkle creams, brush my teeth, and find something to wear. Fuck makeup and doing my hair, I work with all women.

About 8:30 I usually roll into work, 30 minutes late. I check emails, do financial reports, attend the occasional meeting, check facebook twitter instagram and hayday about 50 times each, and read some news articles until lunchtime.

At 12:15 every day I have an argument with myself inside my head about whether I should go home for lunch and let the dog out or if I should just order something in and sit at my desk.  Because if I leave then I have to worry about finding a parking spot when I get back and it’s cold out and qdoba and jimmy johns always sounds good and both deliver.

By 1:30 I’m usually back to work chatting on facebook with Lucky.  Which I do all afternoon while watching the clock tick.  At 4:59 I pack up my shit and wait at the door like a kid in school waiting for the bell to ring.

I’m usually home by 5:10, take the dog for a walk, lay around and watch tv until I get hungry and make dinner, then I watch some more tv.  Sometimes I work out or run. I take a shower and dry my hair, then I go to bed.

TA DAAAAA!!!