Stwike free. Chapta closed.

Hola bitches. Lucky here.

Friday night I joined my girlfriends for something I’m sure millions of other women did too—dinner and drinks before seeing Sex and the City 2. I didn’t have a desire to see the movie, but that’s neither here nor there.The high point of the evening was dinner—there was wine involved. One of my friends, Anne, started telling the story of her last breakup; a story she thought I’d already heard.

She said, yeah Lucky, remember? “Chapta Closed.” As she motioned her hands like closing a book.

Uh no, I don’t recall that one.

Anne dated a guy, I’ll call him Frito, for six months or so. He is partially deaf—75% in one ear, 25% in the other. So whenever Anne talks about Frito, she does so in a deaf person’s voice, as in no s’s and no r’s. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Frito works at a paint store, mixing buckets of color. When he was ready to dump Anne, he called her and told her to meet him at work. When she arrived he said, “Chapta closed Anne. Time for Frito to move on and get new chapta. Tree twikes, and you out, Anne.”

I asked Anne, three strikes? What did you do? She continued.

“Stawike one. Balentime’s Day,” Frito said.

Anne isn’t a huge fan of said holiday, but Frito got her a teddy bear anyway. When Anne wasn’t as excited over the teddy as Frito hoped, he bought her a pair of earrings, which she loved. Stwike one was her lack of enthusiasm.

“Stwike do, da wedding,” Frito said.

Anne accompanied Frito to one of his friend’s weddings, which took place on a boat. During the reception, Anne and Frito enjoyed drinks. Apparently Anne didn’t realize just how drunk she was until the boat docked and she stepped onto land—Frito was forced to carry her back to the hotel.

“It wasn’t like I was wasted or anything,” Anne told me. “I just couldn’t walk straight. I didn’t embarrass him.”

Stwike free, Frito said, was Chee-Weez.

Chee-Weez is a popular cover band in the area that Frito and Anne went to see in concert. Frito offered to get Anne a drink, to which she asked for a cocktail with a lime wedge. Frito returned with a drink, but no lime. Anne asked if she could get a lime in her drink, to which Frito said, “I heard you. It’s not like I’m deaf.”

What did Anne say?

“But you are.”

STWIKE TREE! YOU OUT!

So has Frito moved on to that new chapta in his life? I doubt it. All I know is his voicemail greeting says, “It Frito. You know da deal.”

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