For 25 years those things we call men have done nothing but challenge my brain. You ask if they want a steak, no they want chocolate cake. Beer? No red wine. Even when I was little in elementary school I would be “going out” with boys and I would draw them pictures and have my mom pack an extra cookie in my lunch for them and were they appreciative? No, absolutely not. They would go and find some other girl to “go out” with because they had budding breasts and all I had were mosquito bites. I’ve always tried to accommodate to the guys that I am dating/like in order to be “marriage material,” I learned my lesson though. 95% of my friends are married or engaged and I have 0 prospects for even a first date. I. AM. DONE!
So finally, FINALLY… I thought I got it. My ex-boyfriend of over a year and I just recently broke up. Honestly, I know I’m better off. His parents called me their daughter-in-law, he had a drug and cheating problem, and I hated his friends and he mine. Lose. Lose. Lose. That’s not my story though.
While dating this guy, we’ll call him Snoop-Linus because snoop after snoop dogg he loved marijuana and linus after the peanuts character because he came as close to spontaneously combusting as I’ve ever seen a human being one night when he stayed at my place and forgot his baby blanket. Sad because you forgot it, ok. But pissed? Wow, whole new set of problems. Anyway, snoop-linus and I had been dating around 8 months when I met this guy we’ll call him Texas. Texas and I had to do a presentation together for one of our classes. He was pretty cool and not bad on the eyes, when Texas started to text me on the reg I got excited. Snoop-Linus had been lacking in the attention department and thought FIFA was more interesting than me. Now, I probably could have cheated on snoop-linus, but I didn’t. Instead I let my “friendship” with Texas grow.
When Snoop-Linus and I broke up Texas thought it was the greatest thing since they started making blunts without the tobacco in them (Texas, also a pothead. FML.) He told me one night when I wore a tight little orange number to the local watering hole that he had been waiting all year for this. I wasn’t that excited though because I had recently figured out, through that great love we call facebook, that he had been dating someone. So I had this eff off Texas you won’t do shit attitude. Which is exactly what happened. Stupid southerner.
Texas texted and called me for the next 3 weeks every day trying to “meet up.” OK. TEXAS. Don’t call it “meet up” I wasn’t born yesterday, I know you just want to hook up with me. And it’s fine that’s all I want you for, I don’t want to date another pot smoking druggie anyway. Douche. But when you fail to “meet up” and get my hopes all up to say I have officially moved on from my ex we have a problem.
I’ll say most of it was due to the fact that we had opposite schedules, I was hungover when he wanted to go out and vice versa. Obviously, alcohol HAD to be a huge factor in this. For me. So one night we were both going to be out at the same time. This god like voice rained down THE TIME HAS COME. So we’re all texting and junk about where to meet. His brothers are in from: where else? Texas. And aren’t 21 so he could only sneak them into one bar. I come out with my posse o girls and walk up to him he starts hounding me asking all these questions about my plans for the weekend. I’m all WHOOOAAA Nelly, hold up. Because I already know he’s going to be with gf this weekend because she is one of those crazy facebook girls who writes all over his wall being like, “1 day!! 1 more day till i get to see your face! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ omg omg love your stinking face so much xoxoxoxoxo♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.” Gag me. For real, if I ever EVER do that xoxoxo♥♥♥♥♥ omg like I am so in love bullshit I want someone to take a gun and hold it to my head, tell me you are doing this for my own good because the world can’t handle another faggot who does the heart, hugs and kisses bullshit, pull the trigger and blow my hearts, hugs, and kisses brains out. NO! First, I want my fingers to be blown off by the gun so that if God will’s it for me to survive through the blow to the head and decides for me to live then I still won’t be able to type oxoxoxo♥♥♥♥♥ ever again!!!
Anyway, I just say I gotsta get a drink, be right back. I needed time to come up with something SUPER RAD that I was going to be doing that weekend that wasn’t what I was actually doing: eating chips and salsa and watching the Real Housewives marathon in my bed. So I get my drink and decide it’s awkward for me to run right back over there. So what do I do?
I text him.
Me: Come back to the bar – my friends want to take shots!
Lies. All lies. My friends didn’t want shots. My friends were drunk as skunks. I wanted shots. I needed shots to deal with this. He gives me an “Ok” text back then here comes the heard. He walks up asks me the same damn questions he was asking before and then tells me they are leaving. What? WHAT!!!!!! You’re leaving? Oh ok, laters! Ohhh man was I pissed, but I remained calm, cool, and collected like any lady would do. So he asks if I’m going to be at the bars all night, and I’m thinking well yeah fucktard I just got out you stupid douche. I just came out for you but you’re leaving so just leave, LEAVE! I don’t even want your lame ass here. So he says to text him when I’m done drinking. Wow thanks, make me feel like an alcoholic. I am, but thats beside the point. So he leaves and then we have this text convo:
Me: SOOOOO LAME!
Texas: Bro! Come over please!
(I don’t even have time to go off about him calling me bro.)
Me: Maybe once I get a little buzz going. I can’t believe you left 10 seconds after I left.
Texas: Lol sorry. Bros tired from traveling all day, come play later!!
Me: Yeah full of excuses. I’ll text you when we leave and see what you’re up to.
Texas: Kk 😉
So approximately 30 minutes later I am texting him asking if he’s still up and get no reply. Now, I am not one to go for guys unless I know they like me. Texas has made it VERY clear in the past that he likes me but now is a no show. I’m just saying this was (what he told me) was his last night in town and our last chance at a one night stand, does it count as a one night stand if it’s planned and you know the person?
Well anyway, of course I didn’t hear from him for 3 days and then he texts me asking what I’m doing and if I want to hang out. I write back with the Will Smith wild wild west song line…. “Wicky wicky wha?!” you’re still in town? I thought you were leaving!? Ahh we have another chance! No reply. Gahhh – he sucks. So then today I get another text from him today, “Come over.” I reply, “F off.” He replies about how he loves that I’m sassy. SASSY!? I’m not being SASSY I’m telling you to go fuck yourself because YOU my friend are the one who has been waiting for this and I am the one getting the short end of the stick. What does this guy think that I am a fucking convenient store and he can just come and go when he pleases and I’ll always be open? I AM NOT A CONVENIENT STORE!!!! Damnit. So that’s how I left it. We’ll see if he shows up at my door with some chocolates and an edible thong later but I doubt it, he’ll probably be too busy rolling blunts and eating moldy cheese.
What are the chances of Texas’ girlfriend going through his phone and seeing all these sexual texts he sent me and dumping him on his ass to be alone forever? Good? Not good? No one is as crazy as me and goes through their boyfriend’s phone? Hmm. Something to ponder.