It’s no surprise that I’m a lonely old maid these days. My day consists of 40% work, 50% school, and 10% prowling the streets for unavailable men.
Today was nothing out of the ordinary, I went to all my classes like a good little nerd; then I decided to tell my office I was “sick” so I could go to the pool for some much needed R&R, but mostly to get my tan on and scope out the hot bods. So I get all cute for the pool in case any dudes decided to talk to me; I put on my white see-through bikini, and my hot cover up that shows the cleave! How could I not pick up any guys? Well I got rejected before I ever even hit the pool.
I’m driving, driving, driving… and I stop and someone knocks on the window I look over and it’s none other than one of snoop-linus’ weed accomplices’. Most of the weed accomplices’ were dirty, fat, and gross but this guy, this guy is H-O-T HOT! I’d do him. I’ve always thought he was H-O-T HOT and it just so happens that we already have each others numbers due to snoop-linus needing me to be his sidekick and hang out with this guy at his apartment once. Fine by me not only was this guy H-O-T HOT, he was funny and easy to talk to. But I’m not a cheater, not that he wanted to rip my clothes off like I did his. Anyway, here he is literally knocking on my window of opportunity so I crank ‘er down (side note: he drives a suuuuper nice new car and I have to roll down my windows. Eff me. Pretty please?) and I just happened to randomly place my hand on the little bitty of window that was still left sticking up. And where does he PURPOSELY put his? Right next to mine, so that a few of his fingers were overlapping mine, then what? OH YEAH! He interlocks them. I felt the sparks – I was ready to make out right there in the street.
So HOTTIE-MCHOTTERSON and I chat it up for a few about our summer plans when he asked what I was doing tonight? Of course I replied with the award winning biggest loser on the face of the earth reply: Oh probably just sitting in my bed watching movies (right now it happens to be the break up.) He came back with a hot comment about how I must have a comfortable bed, I took that as though he wanted to come find out. So I say, well yeah I mean I have 6 pillows it’s like heaven. He laughed so I laughed and asked if he wanted to come see. AND HE IGNORED THE QUESTION! WHAT! THE! FUCK! I mean what else do I have to do? Pull out my boob and rub it on his face? Then he started rambling on about god knows what, all I heard was the Charlie Brown teacher yapping in my ear. We wrapped up the convo and he says and I quote, “I hope to see you soon,” WHA!? You hope to see me soon? You could be in my bed untying my bikini right now gay boy. But, I’m polite and always classy so I shot him a yeah of course, bye! With a flirty side smile. Then I sped off to the pool and sat there for 2 hours making a mental pro/con list of becoming a lesbian. The jury’s still out.