Happy Birthday Lucky!!! I blacked the fuck out in your honor.

This post is so important to my life and to our 4 readers that I am consciously making myself late for work so that I can post it.  I only have a month left at this job so who gives a damn right? Not me.  They can fire my ass for all I care and I’ll just post blogs all day long about cool stuff I find on the web, like hurr:

A smoking monkey!! I actually went trolling for this picture of the scariest demon monkey that has ever walked the planet, but it seems as though someone came to their senses and took it off the internet.  Thank goodness for that because I love googling cute monkey pics.

Anyway, back to the weekend that ruined my life.  Last I told everyone HOTTIE and I were about to get married and start spitting out half a dozen enginerd children.  Things went array when I decided to celebrate Lucky’s birthday last Friday, mind you Lucky and I live over 1,000 miles away from each other so we were together in spirit.

Gigi, our acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam, and I started the night out sharing a bottle of smirnoff pineapple aka blackout in a bottle.  Since I was texting with HOTTIE and he was going out as well, I convinced Gigi and Adam that we had to finish the entire bottle because I was going to put the moves on HOTTIE.  We finished the bottle and made it to the bars around 1am, when we hoped everyone else would be on our level.  And by that I mean, everyone else is drunk and we are those girls that every guy in the bar is glad they aren’t dating.  We arrive and I immediately see my “little bro” (side note: little bro is a greek little bro, I was a sorority bitch and so was Lucky, little bro at my school means some freshman you get wasted until he pukes and embarrasses himself.) little bro says that he needs to buy me a shot for my birthday because he missed it 6 months ago, I agree that he owes me and throw back the tequila.  Then I move down the line to one of douchearoo’s friends who I talk with for a while about coming to sit in his hot tub, and here’s where the night gets fuzzy…

I finally make my way to HOTTIE and his friends, where I see one of snoop-linus’ friends, Merdie who is conveniently also friends with HOTTIE and out with him this very evening.  Merdie and I exchange numbers and promise that we are going to get pants shitting drunk for the next month together.  At one point in the evening I remember calling HOTTIE a pussy while caressing his arm because he wouldn’t take the bubblegum shot I bought for him and then he left. At which point I tell Merdie and all of HOTTIE’s friends from home that I really like him but that he hates my drunk guts.  Then I have this text convo with HOTTIE:

1:42 a.m.

Me: Hey where’d you go? Merdie is looking for you

1:52 a.m.

HOTTIE: Sorry someone called and had to leave.  Prob be back out

1:54 a.m.

Me: It’s cool… let me know if you come back out.

1:55 a.m.

HOTTIE: Aight, it’s 2am already though you should just come over

1:57 a.m.

Me: Yeah for sure.  Just tell me when to come over.

1:58 a.m.

HOTTIE: Whenever you finish up at the bars

1:59 a.m.

Me: Ok.  I’ll be over in a few

Throughout the entire text convo I am pounding jager bombs and telling everyone how I’m going to DO IT, I’m going to put the moves on HOTTIE.  They’re all cheering me on, and raising me above their heads chanting GIZZY! GIZZY! GIZZY! After I tell HOTTIE I’ll be over in a few, less than 5 minutes later I’m knocking at his front door like a desperate fool.

We’re hanging out for a while, talking and flirting, we went on a walk to get snacks, and when we came back is when I fucked everything up.  I guess those jager bombs finally hit me because there we are cozied up on the couch when I feel the urge to projectile vomit all over both of us.  I jump up, tell him I’ve got to go, scurry around to grab all of my belongings, and bolt out the front door.  He’s chasing me insisting that he walk me home because it’s nearly 4am.  I say no no no and hop into the elevator, where he follows me, and I sit down on the floor.  So here I am, in the skankiest skank dress I have, that I can’t even find a picture of online now.  Probably because they realize what horror the dress ensues on those that wear it and created a recall that only I have yet to receive.  But it was a knee length, skin tight, black, tube dress.  Very hot.  But here I am sitting in HOTTIE’s elevator, probably showing him my cooter because GOD FORBID I wear underwear and have panty lines and not show the guy I like my goodies when I’m blacked out drunk laying on his elevator floor.   So we get to the bottom floor, I can’t remember but I’m guessing it went something along the lines of me thanking HOTTIE for looking so good and then running out the door trying not to projectile vomit while he can still see me.

I don’t remember the 3 block walk home from HOTTIE’s apartment to mine, I thought I came home, threw up, and went to bed but I woke up in the morning with a mystery substance that smells like literal shit strewn about my living room floor. I was also naked, alone, and had wet hair.  As soon as I woke up I called everyone I knew to see if they thought I had ruined it with HOTTIE; the general consensus was yes but that I should still apologize and see what he said.  Me being a giant coward that I am, I wait until 3pm to text him and apologize for being a hot mess the night before, when I get the reply, “It’s no problem.” And I haven’t heard from him since.

BUT, since I have analyzed the shit out of the situation and everything I could remember, I had to get someone else involved that was there that evening; considering Gigi, Adam, and I had pieced together all we could.  So I call up Merdie to see if he wants to get a drink. (Thats right Gizzy, just go drink some more. Idiot.)  Last night Merdie and I met for a few drinks with Gigi, her boyfriend, and his roommates in tow.  I tell him what happened with HOTTIE and he says that he spoke with HOTTIE’s bestie the next day who was there that night as well and he told him, “Yeah, HOTTIE is a sissy.”  I dissected this into meaning that he had the same intentions I did that night, but since he let me go home his friends all think he has no game now.

Of course, me Gizzy the master of master plans has what else? A master plan.  I’m going to linger outside HOTTIE’s classroom tomorrow morning before class and force him to talk to me.   Als0, Texas is coming into town tonight and wants to meet up we’ll see what kind of drunken mess I can get myself into tonight.  God speed.