Since I sucked at life the past few weeks and haven’t posted any of douchearoo’s douchey emails to his douchey friends, I’ve got a double trouble douche day for you my little nuggets. First a story about the sneaky douche, snoop-linus.
After the most embarrassing night of my life Friday, I wake up Sunday morning with a text from snoop-linus and one from my friend Dina. Mind you, we haven’t spoken in over a month and he still calls and texts every single day of my wretched life. The content of his text isn’t important, but what Dina’s text said most certainly is, “I don’t know if you care but I don’t know what to do with this. I just saw snoop-linus all over some old mom and then he got in a car with her.” I have his facebook, email, and cell phone account passwords from when we were together. I had to have them to keep track of his cheating ass. I get on facebook and see he has a new “older” friend, bingo, spank you Dina. From scouring around her profile I can tell she is about 35, married, with three children. I’m thinking to myself, how the fuck does he know this old gunner? I go into his sent box and see this little gem from snoop-linus to old gunner:
Heyyy, just wanted to say thanks again for the ride home. Had to hit you up on fb since you wouldn’t give me your digits haha. You’re an awesome person. Here’s my number ***-***-**** text me tomorrow when you wake up in the a.m. I have to work until about 9 but after that we should go to the fairgrounds and watch the fireworks.
P.s. I don’t care what level you’re on, I like the person that you are.
I was immediately infuriated, because I was jealous? HELL-TO-THE-FUCKING-NO, I was disgusted. The lady has a family for christ’s sake. So what do I do about it? I break a month long silence to tell snoop-linus that he is a disgusting piece of shit and he has got to be bat shit crazy if he thinks some old gunner is going to risk losing her family for some 23 year old druggie, who hasn’t graduated college, and works at the chicken palace. He took this as an opening to try and win me back which later turned into him attacking the person I am, calling me no fun and a sour puss to which I reply, “Really? Because your friend seemed to think I was fun Friday night.” I’m sure it’s driving him crazy trying to figure out which of his friends I was talking about. Score -> Gizzy: 1 – Snoop-Linus: 0
On to the douche that douche day was created on behalf of, Douchearoo. The counter fellatio email: The day: Sunday January 13, 2008. The time: 6:38 p.m.
A little background for E. As you may or may not know I have been banging the neighbor Chi O chica. The details are fairly unimportant but it is pertinent to for you to know that, up to this point in the story, we had fornicated more than once.
Saturday night. Beer pong at Horse’s new place. Chi O comes over with a friend. Jew Fro and I handily beat them five times.
Chi O and I are on the third floor of the bar talking about nothing in particular. Finally we have perhaps the greatest conversation I have ever been a part of.
Chi: I can tell you have been checking out other girls all night.
Douchearoo: Not anymore than usual.
Chi: Look, I’m not stupid I know you are probably doing stuff with other girls and I hope you know you are not the only guy I have been with.
Chi: I have just never met anyone capable of having a strictly sexual relationship. Just keep calling me when you are out drinking with the guys and when I feel like having sex I will answer.
Douchearoo: No arguments here.
Chi: I’m pretty sure you will be cool about this. I’m also pretty sure I want to have sex with you tonight.
Douchearoo: Lets go.
Back at my apartment we jump into bed and I fingerblast away for about 15 minutes. Finally she rolls off and says “I can’t do this.” I start to think that she has come to her senses and wants a relationship which she would have been vehemently denied. She says and I quote, “This is too much foreplay, just (curse word) me and I’ll go home.”
You don’t need to tell me twice. After coitus, I go wash the slimy condom feeling off my (curse word.) She pulls me back into the room and says she wants to do it again. Good for her but I don’t. It is 3 a.m. and I inform her that if she makes me wear a condom again I will have sex until 7 a.m.
Now here is the funny part. She says I don’t have to wear a condom. I ask her if she is just drunk or stupid because I know she is not on birth control. She retorts, “What is the worst that could happen?” She is stupid. I know she is not even on birth control. After our five minute round table about the ‘worst that could happen’ she tells me that even if she were with child she would never keep it, not make me pay for half of the procedure, and would not even tell me if she were pregnant. Yes, all those responses were direct results of my questions.
I finally convince her that she is stupid and I am not going skins in. Then at 3:08 a.m. exactly she is handing out fellatio to me on our kitchen counter.
Douchearoo: You know my roommates are going to walk in the door here any second.
She looks at me with a full mouthed blank expression.
Douchearoo: I can handle an audience if you can.
Of course she stopped before anyone walked in (I kept trying to push her head down and she didn’t like it; prude.) She walks out and tells me that was fun and “you know where I live.”
The point here is that this could be a semester long of pure fun. How exciting.
What. A. Douche. Speaking of douchearoo, I went out to dinner with my friend and old roommate Mercedes last week who douchearoo hates. She is recently single so she is on the prowl for men as well. I drove to her hometown about an hour south of where I go to school, which is also conveniently where douchearoo now lives and works. It’s a big city, so the chances of ever seeing him are slim to none. We decided to go to a prominent bar area about 7pm that night so that we can sit outside and gawk at the hot guys passing by. We decide on a bar and as we’re walking up, Mercedes notices 3 guys sitting at a table outside and says to me, “Hey, there’s a table of 3 guys!! We can sit by them and talk to them, it’s perfect!” As we approach the patio area we notice that the 3 guys are douchearoo, his douchey farmer friend, and his douchey midget roommate. We immediately turn around and go back from the way we came. Douchearoo definitely saw us, he turned bright red and put his face in his hands. Don’t worry douchearoo, I don’t want to talk to your douchey ass either. Faggot.