Hello lovelies! Remember earlier in the week when I told you about my favorite DC (hottie) blogger ShyGuy? Well, after a little bit of sweet talking, Gizzy & I were able to convince him to guest blog for us! Why else would I be in such a great mood to be sitting in my shit hole of an office? Anyway, enjoy his post, leave comments, flirt with him, just make him feel welcome so he will come (cum) back.
Yo! You can call me ShyGuy. Gizzy and Lucky asked me to guest post, I assume because of a lack of male perspective. So here it is, your male perspective. Brace.yo.self.
As Lucky and I have discussed, I’ve had considerable difficulty finding a woman that even remotely resembles someone I’d like to pursue romantically. When I first moved out to the east coast after college I dated a lot. Actually, let me clarify; I went on a lot of first dates. There was a stretch of about a year when I went on like 25 first dates without a second.
No, I’m not a troll.
I have sense broken the one date curse, even if only barely, and have been on a few (3) dates with a woman we shall call PDA. I had a few -let’s call them orange because they’re not quite red-flags going into number four. The first was, she does this thing where we’ll be talking about something and she’ll mutter the first few syllables of a thought, then stop, then change the subject all together. This is hugely irritating to me as I’m trying to get to know her. It’s almost as if her speech has ADD. Second, she’s all. About. The PDA (hence the name). I’m not anti-PDA, but I usually like to be comfortable with someone before I get all hands-on in front of the whole world. Call me a prude, but I tend to shy away from finger-blasting dates on street corners.
That’s just me.
Regardless, I’ve been excited about this date for a few days. We were trying this new dim sum restaurant and seeing a concert of a really good singer/songwriter named Mat Kearney.
If you don’t know who he is, you should look him up.
I figured even if the date goes poorly, I’ll have some solid entertainment and an easy excuse not to pay attention to her.
So we’re at dinner and things are going fine. Conversation is going, we’re laughing and bantering. Then something happened and she went from calm and playful to serious—I half expected her to come across the table and shine a bright light in my face for an interrogation.
And no, not the hot kind.
So while she’s gabbing on about what she wants and how she feels (blah blah blah) I try not to zone out, but you’ve gotta understand the restaurant was dark and I was slipping into a food-coma.
She’s talking about being guarded and wanting to talk to me, but because I notice that she’s guarded she just doesn’t say anything. She gets to talking about what she wants and what she needs. The more she kept talking the more I went gloss. I thought that interest in a person caused more-than-usual openness instead of the other way around. All of this sounds like excuses and I’m preparing myself for the ‘let’s be friends’ line.
This merry-go-round continues for the duration of our dinner. I think I spent this time eating every last speck of food I could find on the plates and thinking to myself, this girl just isn’t interested and to hell if I’m gonna stick around and have to convince this broad that I’m a catch. I’m smart, I’m funny, and damnit I can dance. I’ve got manners, am romantic, and would rather eat the dessert between your legs than some silly French custard bullshit. Sorry I’m not sorry.
So I ask for the check, which we had agreed she would pick up because I bought the concert tickets. That’s fair, right? Apparently wrong. She’s like, ‘should we split this?’ shocked and still a little steamy from the verbal berating I just took, I say nothing and just toss my AMEX her way.
Once we get the check back and are ready to go I say, “I’m going to hit the bathroom before we go.” To which she responds that she has to also and tells me not to plot my escape or make any calls asking to get bailed out. She said it as if she were kidding, but all I could think was “oh, you have no idea.”
So I sent a text to Lucky (704): Fuck. This is going poorly.
As soon as I step out of the bathroom and get on the sidewalk with her, here comes the PDA again. She grabs my hand and steps up to kiss me. I kiss her quickly and start walking toward the concert. She makes a comment asking me if I’m comfortable, to which I honestly respond that I’m anything but comfortable.
Fast forward to the concert. We’re sitting on the side of the stage, fairly close. And she wants to start talking dirty. She starts talking about all sorts of sexual things. Obviously I’m not opposed to this. So she tells me that she likes how I use my hands (I tend to be very hands-on… Oh shut up ladies, you like it), and I’m like… okay lets rectify this date! Hooo ahh! (that sound effect was just in my head I promise).
After an incredible concert and a steadily ascending sexual tension, she kisses me goodnight and tells me to go home safe.
Ladies, if there’s one thing guys hate about women, it’s cock-teases. She was clearly giving me the green light. Hello! She told me she likes… no love… playing how many licks…! Then stonewalls me when it’s time to get in the game. Sure I could have been more aggressive and just come out and said, ‘Listen PDA, lets go back to my place and take my slam-piece to Bonetown.’ But I’m a nice guy and a little shy, so I didn’t, and was left walking home alone, pissed about being left with a pitched tent and no heat for the night.
No worries though, or so I thought. A few mornings later I woke up with the girl I used to be dating but am now just sleeping with. We’re still good friends, but the timing just wasn’t right. I just bought a condo and it’s still not so well furnished; it’s a work in progress. I don’t remember how it came up, but we were talking about housewarming parties or presents or something.
Sidenote: Back when this girl and I were dating I got a text from her on a random afternoon saying that she was at a certain lingerie store and had picked out my housewarming present. Sweet. Why didn’t this work out? Let’s not get into that.
I think I asked her when she’ll be giving me a housewarming present (I’d been living here for awhile) she promised and her response is possibly the best burn I’ve ever received. Her response was totally deserved, and complete Karma coming back for being upset about getting cock-teased a few night earlier. She said to me:
I took back your housewarming present and bought a vibrator instead.