Nothing like a guest blogger to get the day started, right? Remember my friend Buttons, who commented on the bridal show debacle—they should’ve given me a brown wristband because I’m such a piece of shit? Well, she’s here. And after a pep talk, she wrote a hilarious blog for us on her recent vacay with a 40-year-old lezzie (not that there’s anything wrong with that), named Toni. Enjoy it, kids!
So my pal Lucky asked me to write a lil blog about my trip to Myrtle Beach last week. She enjoyed the updates and pictures through texts all week—she didn’t want you guys to miss out.
Let’s start off with a few weeks before the trip. My pal Candy had been bugging me to get away and visit our friend Cookie who had recently moved into a condo on the beach. I was reluctant at first because I have little vacation time to spare, but eventually I selected some days in August and said “let’s go!” I was actually getting pretty pumped about the trip and planning things we would do while we were there, shopping, eating, drinking, dinner theaters and of course the beach and pool.
A few days later I woke up and read my text’s everything was fine until I got to the last message from Cookie ” What if I had another friend that would drive down w/ you guys? What would you say to some extra gas $$$?” In my head I thought WTF why? I have a history of getting fucked over when i go on vacation…. First thought: VEGAS 2 years ago. I shared a suite with 18 filipinos, saw people having sex, saw random drugs, slept about 1 hour in 3 days , and heard someone barfing all night . I know this is normal in Vegas and I’m probably a big prude but, sharing a bed with 3-4 strangers is NOT my idea of fun.
Next vacation, somehow ended up sharing a bed with a 18 year old little boy (my friend’s sister’s boyfriend) and then taking him back to his school. UGH. If I would learn to say no these things wouldn’t happen to me. BUT instead of no I asked Candy what she thought about it. Of course she thought it would be fine because she has never had these amazing experiences.
My reply to Cookie: ” Haha I don’t care, as long as they aren’t weird!!! We are leaving Tuesday night after work and driving halfway. Who is this friend and do we know them?”
Cookie: ” She’s a friend from school-she’s older a bit strange but very nice person”
So some time went by and I didn’t think too much about the stranger until Candy calls and tells me she found the friend on Facebook and I should probably take a look. Well of course I did and the picture was enough for me to cancel the trip. When I saw the pictures on her profile all I could think about was being in the middle of nowhere on the way to the beach and this crazy holding us hostage and raping Candy and I.
Lesbian hair cut, check, motorcycle, check, WOLF TATTOO on her breast, check, 40 years old with no boyfriend check check check. I was staring at the biggest butch lesbian I had ever seen and I was about to take a vacation with her.
F-U-C-K!!!! Of course, what do I do? Take a picture of her picture on my phone and forward it to everyone I know and get everyone’s opinion on if I should go. Of course most people said no. So my plan: NOT GOING. I was really hesitant to tell Candy because I knew she was gonna be pissed. So when the time finally came around we went to dinner with a few mutual friends, I brought out the picture on my phone and told them all about it and then told Candy “No way, I am not going.” She was pretty upset and said whatever.
Over the next few days she somehow talked me back into going. She told me ” It’s just a 12 hour car ride. We don’t have to be her friend. When we get there she doesn’t have to hang out with us. We will do our own thing. It will be like she’s not even there. You never know she could be the nicest person ever and you will become friends.” I said ” you know what whatever I am not in the market for new friends, she better not piss me off I will leave her at a truck stop and I swear to god we will not hang out with her. I am already worried when we stop for gas people will think we are a couple.”
The next few days I was dreading the trip. Of course Candy adds this person (TONI what a fitting name, you know could be a boy or a girl, or both.) to Facebook. AND of course they write back and forth and Candy thinks she’s nice. WHATEVER.
Finally it’s time to get on the road. Toni lives about an hour away, toward where we were going. So Candy and I had time to talk about stuff before we picked her up. I refused to talk to Toni and made Candy do all the planning of when and where we would pick her up because I wanted nothing to do with it. So we meet her at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere, her parents were dropping her off. We spot her, no surprise since I had been stalking her pictures but of course she packs a bag big enough for a 3 week European vacation. She throws it in and we hit the road.
We all talk and it’s not going to bad. I thought OK maybe I was overreacting and it won’t be too horrible. I was however surprised when she said she was interested in BOYS and that she loved it when people called her a COUGAR. Um whatever hunny you aren’t getting boys your age let alone younger good looking ones, so keep dreaming. Also, I was very surprised at her occupation. An athletic trainer? Really? Who would hire a 350 LB athletic trainer. I thought that was a bit odd. Not only was she an athletic trainer but apparently she thought she was a doctor because she was trying to diagnose every damn person we came in contact with.
The trip was going fine until about 2 am when I was looking for a place to stop and we hit a serious traffic jam and sat for like 2 hours. Toni was bitching that we should have stopped back at the last exit. Well you know what? We didn’t … and do you know what else? I am driving and this is my car so shut the fuck up. She kept rolling down the windows. I said um i don’t think that is a good idea it’s like 95 degrees outside and there are creepy truckers. Of course she doesn’t listen and continues to bitch about not stopping. Finally we start going and then I find a place to stop for the night.
Of course Toni gets her own bed because I sure as hell wasn’t sleeping with her. I was so tired and started to fall asleep when she started snoring. UHHHH really?!??! OF course she snores sooo loud. I wake around 6:30 and Candy was awake too. I whispered, ” let’s go to breakfast.” So we snuck out and enjoyed some coffee and continental breakfast while talking about Toni.
After breakfast we go back to the room and pack up. Toni mentions nothing about paying for part of the hotel she slept in and had a whole bed to herself.
Day 2—in the car was not as smooth as day one. Toni liked to talk about NOTHING, it took her 30 minutes to get a damn story out about how she likes to eat pizza.. and guess what? No one gives a fuck, thanks for wasting my time. She also likes to mention that she has been driving for 24 years and loooves to drive. I thought why didn’t you drive your own damn car down here by your damn self then? The thing is.. I am control freak. I do not like it when other people drive. I drove the whole way down there but, told Shelby that she could drive some on the way home.
We finally get to our destination and I am pumped to hit the beach. We get to the beach and Candy and Cookie and I are all laying out and I open my eyes to see Toni hovering over me and Candy taking pictures of us laying out. UHHHHH What is she going to do with those? ANYWAY. After the beach everyone headed back to get ready for our evening out. Candy and Cookie wore dresses I wore nice jeans and a sparkly top. Toni however put on her nicest sleeveless polo, khaki shorts and hot pink and blue WATER SHOES. UHHhhhh really?!?!?! I wouldn’t wear water shoes to the beach, let alone out to dinner and a bar.
We headed out to dinner where we all decided to have a bunch of appetizers and share them. When the bill came…guess who got screwed over? Yep that’s right it was me. Everyone pitched in a $20 and then Toni decided she would grab a $5 out of the stack. Why she thought that was right when she ordered 3 appetizers I will never know. I handed my debit card and paid the remaining $52.20. Thanks guys. After that we hit up a local bar, which was 50-70 year old people grinding on each other. Disgusting.
Later I noticed a group of 30 something attractive guys. Toni proceeded to tell me that they were looking at us because they were checking her out. I thought really? You think they are checking you out. Well actually they are probably laughing at your water shoes. She then works up the nerve to go strike up a chat with one of them. She says “Hey i was wondering how that magnetic bracelet works for you.” Apparently he gave her a shitty look and he was standing there looking at her. You want to know why? Because in fact it was not a magnetic bracelet, it was a David Yurman bracelet. UGH! How embarrassing.
She then decided to take more creepy pictures of us and commented on how my shirt made my cleavage look good. ENOUGH I was going home. We all left and she decided to take a stroll on the beach. When she got back to the apartment she bent over to get something and that’s when I saw her wet crotch on her khaki shorts. Really? Did she piss her pants at the bar or what? It wasn’t because she was she was wastey, she only had like one drink. Whatever.
Day 3—Candy and I snuck out and went and got breakfast and talked about Toni. We headed back to the apartment and then got ready for the beach. While we were at the beach, Cookie asked us what we were going to do when she had to work later. I told her we were going to Medieval times blah blah blah. Candy and I left the beach and went to the pool where Toni later joined us and asked “So you guys are going out tonight? Am I invited or what?”
I said absolutely nothing. Because Yes I am mean, but i didn’t want to straight up tell her no. So I thought nothing was better. Candy decided to chime in ” Well if you want then yeah!” I shot her a look from hell then got on my phone bought 2 tickets and announced that I had just purchased two and only two tickets for the 7 o clock show. End of that. Had a great time at the show then the mall and came back.
Day 4—Candy and I woke up at about 6:30 again. I normally hate getting up this early but i looooved the fact that it woke Toni up and pissed her off. So I proceeded to get dressed loudly then head out to breakfast and go shopping with Candy. After the shopping trip, we came home and Toni was talking about someone looking like a man. I mouthed/ said to Candy… So do you. Toni saw me. Whatever. We hit up a local seafood restaurant where she inhaled about 3 fried corn on the cobs. Disgusting. I don’t remember too much after this but we went to a huge outdoor mall/entertainment place and had a few drinks then did some shopping where Toni purchased a huge picture of Betty Boop… how cute. Then she bitched about what to have for dinner. I was then informed that she had her nips pierced. Enough info. I continued to ignore practically everything she said for the rest of the evening.
Day 5—LAST DAY!!!! Yay! Although I did have a lot of fun with Candy and Cookie I was ready to drop this bitch off at her house and never see her again. Since we had a twelve hour car ride I wanted to hit the road early. Candy wanted to stay longer however. I said fine but we will be out of here by 11. Around 10 everyone decides they want doughnuts. Whatever. We then talked a little about the trip back and I said Candy would probably drive first and I was nervous not because she was a bad driver but because I’m a bit of a control freak. Toni responds with ” Uhh yeah i could have told you that.”
WHAT?! You know me five fucking minutes and you think you know me?! Um no. Mind ya damn business. We eat and then its about 10:45 I announce. OK I hope everyone is ready, we need to leave soon. Nothing happens. So I carry one bag down and come up and everyone is just sitting there. Finally Toni gets the point and asks for my car keys. She comes up and sees I have a few more bags and says to me ” I don’t know where that’s gonna go there’s not much room in the back now.” I thought EXCUSE ME?! Are you fucking kidding me right now!? You invited yourself on this damn trip you haven’t paid for one thing, you bought a bunch of shit down here filled up the back of MY car and then tell me there’s no room for my stuff?! You have goootttt to be kidding me!?!? I then grab my stuff storm out get in the driver’s seat of my car and call Lucky and scream to her that I am about to throw this bitch’s stuff out of my car and drive home alone. Candy comes down and tells me everyone is waiting inside to say bye and I should suck it up and go inside then we will leave.
I go upstairs say bye, thank you, sorry I was a bitch, but I had a great time. Toni comes down and tells Cookie, ” Yeah I’ll probably do a lot of driving today.” To which I scream “DON”T COUNT ON IT!!!!” Everyone gets in the car and I say nothing. I get on the phone with Lucky and chat for a while because someone is about to die. The entire trip Candy and I chatted to ourselves and took turns driving. No one talked to Toni. Sometimes she would chime in with her dumbass comments and annoy me but i just ignored her. She kept bitching about how her phone was dying. I of course ignore her more until she asks… “Is your phone still on the charger?” I said “YEP” and that was it. She bossed us around some and told us how our driving sucked and she’s been driving as long as we have been alive. WHATEVER I was counting down the minutes until we dropped her off. It was raining really hard and we kept having to turn the defroster on. She complained that she was hot and kept rolling down the windows. At this point I was completely pissed every time she asked me to turn the air on I would turn the heat on. I know it was 90 degrees outside but this shit was pissing me off and she wasn’t going to have control over the car.
ANYWAY. We finally were close to her house and I was SO happy! She gave Candy shitty directions and we finally arrived and drove past her house. Candy then backed up in the middle of the road turned the flashers on, got out and threw all of her stuff in a pile on the street. I stayed in the car. There would be no hug, no nice to meet you, no I had a great time. Candy said “Have a nice night!” and jumped back in. We were off! The last hour of the car ride was the best hour all day. I will never take a random stranger on vacation with me again. Sayonara Bitch!!
*Editor’s note: After she finished her entry, Buttons told me she wanted you all to know that no, Toni did not say thank you.