I need a for realz rant. I’ve mentioned my friend Mercedes before but never elaborated on the colossal bitch that she is. Why am I friends with her if she is the worst you ask? Because she comes stocked with fruit roll ups, that’s why. Whether it be at a bar, in a bathroom or at a funeral Mercedes is sure to have a purse full of gummy treats. I’m beginning to think a lifetime supply of fruit roll ups may not be worth the headache anymore, especially since they don’t even have the fun shapes cut into them anymore.
It all started when I met Mercedes about 3 years ago. I needed somewhere to live and her and her roommate needed a 3rd roommate to complete their lease. I was dating douchearoo at the time and he was living with her boyfriend at the time, douchearoo told me not to live with her because she was a huge spoiled bitch. Of course, I didn’t listen.
The first year I lived with her I came to the conclusion that she must be dyslexic and somehow thought that Gizzy read as Merry Maid. Also that she is a huge whore, she had sex with at least 10 different guys per semester (sorry if 20 guys in a 9 month period is not a lot to some people, it is to me though considering my total number is about ohh 5. I know I’m a prude. WAMP WAMP. But I also don’t have STDs.) She had sex with one guy with 9 toes on top of our kitchen counter, how do I know? Oh because I pulled her thong out of the garbage disposal, that’s how. Basically she is a lazy piece o shit but somehow it comes back to her and if there is an open container it will get spilled on her, within the last month I’ve witnessed 40 half eaten chicken wings, a gallon of lemonade, and a fifth of blueberry vodka dumped on her. It felt good I must admit. She also got this horny boy Pomeranian dog, Alfie, within the first 4 months that we lived together who single handedly pissed on every piece of fabric in our 2 apartments. Fuck I hate that little bastard. I once heard her on the phone with her mom crying saying I was trying to poison her dog with bad turkey because my drunk friend Kirk threw a package of meat out of my window and it landed on our balcony. I mean is me or should she not be letting her dog on the balcony to do it’s business. (lazy example #2, get where I’m going?) I make sure my business goes in the toilet and not all over her floor so I expect the same courtesy from her guests.
Jumping to present day, I got Mercedes a job with the Captain Mo Ho company. She got hired, blah blah blah. Moved to San Fran to live with her boyfriend, and moved back within the first 3 months because she found out he has no money.
Well I get an email a few months ago about how she has enrolled herself in some Captain Mo calender competition and fucking made it to the final 32. Now, I’m all about my friends getting opportunities and being successful but, the last thing Mercedes needs to inflate her ego is to be in some calender. She enrolls herself in all of these modeling agencies and has her dad pay for her to get bad headshots done. She recently filmed an HH Greg commercial and was in a commercial for Oprah. And she’s not modest about it at all… I mean I feel like I wouldn’t be texting everyone I know and posting it all over facebook if it were me, but she does it for the attention so a whore will be a whore.
She had recently been telling me about her latest hookup/boy J3 (I gave him this name because his name is Justin, she’s on match.com and he was the 3rd Justin she had been out within that 2 week period) and how he asked her if she would be Ok dating someone who couldn’t support the lifestyle she lives. A little background on Justin, he is a cute, self sufficient, 25 year old, biomedical engineer and what he wanted with someone who failed out of college, relies on daddy’s money, doesn’t have a job other than promoting alcohol (not that I can talk but at least I am actively looking), and whose brain capacity overloads after a long day at the mall is beyond me. It has always baffled mine and Lucky’s minds how we are both self-sufficient, educated, pretty, smart girls but can’t find guys who are worth 2 shits but girls like Mercedes who don’t appreciate them can. I guess he did figure out that her brain rattles when she shakes her head because he did dump her after a month saying, “If we were stuck in a room with nothing but each other I don’t know what we would talk about.” Of course she was so upset asking if she was boring, I’m nice and refrained from saying you’re not boring you’re just stupid and thought it would be better to just let her think she was boring. Anyway, obviously Mercedes told him yes she would still be with someone who couldn’t support her lifestyle but of course she told me that she lied to him and she wouldn’t be, because she doesn’t want to work, ever.
Even though I know that the reason why Mercedes doesn’t want to work is because she is a lazy piece of shit I decided to further investigate just to share with you all so we had this conversation:
G: How do you expect to not work and maintain the lifestyle that you live? (Which is driving around her daddy’s benz, living in a million dollar mansion, having her parents support her every move at 25, shop on her parents credit card, not pay a single bill, and have her dad sue or pay off anyone she does wrong.)
M: Well, these guys need to bring something to the table. When my dad dies we are going to get like $5 million, my mom will get half of that and me and my brother will split the other half so I’ll have like a million to maintain my lifestyle.
G: #1 your dad is in his early 50’s and not ill soooooo why are you acting like he is about to die? #2 most people retire when they are 67 with about $2 million to last them about 20 years with decreasing expenses (here you go people, this is what I went to college for. I know retirement. BOOM.) how do you expect $1 million to last you the rest of your life?
M: Well that’s what my husband will be there for, that $1 million is just a supplement to help out.
G: You could take that $1 million and buy you and your husband a nice house and then not work because you could live off of his income.
M: NO. The $1 million is for me to spend.
G: What would you do all day while your husband busts his ass to support your extravagant lifestyle?
M: I don’t know volunteer or something.
G: Why wouldn’t you just work then? It’s the same as volunteering, only you would get paid.
M: Because I don’t want to work. Mayyybe I would get a part-time job at the mall or something.
G: I’m going to be honest with you, the jobs that guys our age and even 5 years older than us are getting these days will never make enough to support the way you live.
M: That’s why I’m going to find a surgeon or a guy who has family money.
G: And how do you expect to do that? On match.com?
M: I’ll meet one eventually.
G: So you’ll marry a guy if he has tons of money even if you don’t love him?
M: I’d rather marry for love than money. But I need the money. But like I said, I am going to go back to Shit University so that I have the degree in Psychology because I can bring that to the table, at least I’ll have a degree.
G: Buuuut, you’re not bringing shit to the table by having a degree if you’re not doing anything with it. A guy is going to see right through your act if you’re 35 living at home with a degree, no job, and having daddy pay for everything when you are perfectly capable of being self sufficient.
Then she gave me a blank stare and some golfers walked up where she flirted her way into a $5 tip to which she let the middle aged man stuff in her cleavage. He asked if he could do the same to me and I told him to take his $5 and shove it up his ass.
That’s the other thing, during this golf outing I poured the drinks, was courteous and nice. But is that what middle aged men want? No. They want some 25 year old slut who is going to throw herself at them to make a buck. Now, we get paid $25 an hour and are supposed to decline tips, I decline, Mercedes the gold digger does not. Another fun fact about Mercedes, she has fake hair, fake eyebrows, fake eye color, and fake eye lashes so hearing these men tell her how beautiful she is while she throws herself at them gives me a cackle because I think about what she would look like without all her fake shit. I won’t lie, she is a very pretty girl but without all that hoopla she wouldn’t be and still doesn’t show a shred of modesty, me on the other hand. I have an au natural D cup but you don’t see me dancing around in a string bikini for dollars. Oh did I mention she used to do amateur night at a strip club for extra money to spend on clothes and her old best friend is a stripper who has had 5 abortions? Right. I forgot. That’s because it’s trashy as fuck. FIN! Gizzy out.
p.s. Is it illegal for me to have Bieber fever?!!!!