The bed wetter

Hopefully I can ward off my hangover long enough to pull this post together.  Yesterday my Dad and Step-Mom threw a wedding reception for themselves.  Knowing the kind of friends my dad has, the people they work with, and my family I knew this party was going to be no funzo for me.  So I helped out as much as I could stayed for 5 hours and then told my dad I started my period and needed to leave.  Like any man would do in that situation he got freaked out and shooed me out the door.  So away I went to my olllll alma mater.

I called up Gigi and Mercedes so we threw back some shots and away we went.  I had secret hopes of seeing HOTTIE out but of course never saw him or any of his peoples.  And like clockwork I got drunk and sent him a text at 2:30 in the morning asking if he was around.  No response.  Typs.  I think I’ll let him go.

Anyway, we’re leaving our first bar when I run into someone I met my sophomore year of college.  We’ll call him MP.  Now MP and I met sophomore year at my apartment.  I was out fratting it up and decided to have a little after partaaay with my friend Betty.  So Betty and I call up our friend Ryan, Ryan says he’ll bring his friend MP over so it’s even.  So we took a lot of shots, and by a lot I mean like finished a half gallon of vodka.  Betty and Ryan sat down in the living room to watch Napoleon Dynamite (that’s how long ago this roots back) so I go back to my room to go to bed and MP follows me.  Drunk as skunks we start to make out and crawl into bed.  Nothing else happened though because I think we both passed out.  So I wake up like 20 minutes later, come to my senses and get the eff out of there.  I grabbed a blanket and my pillow and went to the living room to finish watching Napoleon with Betty and Ryan and pass out on the living room floor.

I wake up in the morning to Ryan and MP shuffling around to gather their things.  I didn’t want it to be awkward so I just pretended I was still asleep until they left.  Well first I open up the fridge and see that they stole ALL of my capri-suns.  W.T.F.  So gay.  Then I head back to my room.  I scream and Betty and my roommates all come running.  “THAT MOTHER FUCKER WET MY BED!!!!!!!!” Huuuuge wet spot right in the center of my bed.  I call up Ryan and tell him and he busts out laughing, tells MP what I said and MP lies about it obvi and says it was me.  Then I get super pissed, “Um NO! I slept in the living room ass wipe!” This argument of who wet the bed went on for a good hour with more evidence of it being him than me.  So we hang up and what do I do? I create a facebook group and invite all his friends, “MP wet my bed and lied about it.”

Well time passed and eventually the attention to the story fizzled out.  About 2 years ago MP and I ran into each other in a bar, hashed it out, he admitted to wetting my bed so I said we could be friends.  I figured anyone who wanted to be friends with me after I made a facebook group about them announcing to a campus of 40,000 people that they are a bed wetter deserves a second chance.

So last night I run into MP, we’re all “Oooohhhhh how have you been, what are you up to, yada yada yada.”  I’m drunk enough to pull the ole, “Lemmeeee see if I still have yourrr numba!” (Exactly like that because I was hammered.) I didn’t so we exchanged numbers and as soon as I left he was texting me, take note of the time sequence:

1:23 am MP: What bar did you want to meet at?

G: Bar 4

1:25 am MP: Sounds good, lets meet there in a bit.

G: We’ll probably be there around 2

1:27 am MP: k wanna meet up later?

G: Ya sounds good, text me when you head to Bar 4.

1:29 am MP: Stop.  You wanna talk now?

G: Lol  talk about what? We’re at snakes drinking vodka tonics.

1:32 am MP: I guess I just wanna make out.  Is that bad?

*At this point I was cackling my little black stilettos off telling every one in the bar the bed wetting story, so I rolled with it to see what was going to happen.*

G: Haha not bad.

1:34 am MP: Come back to Henry’s real quick.

G: Ok we’ll come back in a minute when we finish our drinks. (not!)

1:36 am MP: K I’m here.

1:41 am MP: Where you wanna meet?

G: We’re finishing our drinks then coming to Henry’s.

1:45 am MP:  Sounds good

1:57 am MP: Where you at?

2:06 am MP: Yo wake up

G: Sorry finishing up now about to come there. (Not!)

2:07 am MP: K hurry!!!

2:10 am MP: Where you at?

2:15 am MP: Nlothin (Nothin)

2:15 am MP: Huh

2:21 am MP: Come on hun

*Text HOTTIE for a last chance at love, “Heyy are you around?”*

G: Sorry sorry just looked at my phone, we’re at Bar 4.

2:26 am MP: You wanna meet up?

2:26 am MP: Come to Henry’s silly

G: My friends want to stay here.

2:28 am MP: Come on just me and you

2:49 am G: I’m staying at my friends she wants to be here

2:51 am MP: Ok just wanted to say hi that’s all, no worries. (Uh huh)

G: Why didn’t you just come to Bar 4 then?

2:53 am MP: Haha your girl is here you need better excuses

G: I don’t think sooo they’re both with me

2:58 am MP: Where you at I will come to Bar 4.

G: Yeah come here (At this point I was already sitting in Mercedes car at the Mcdonalds drive-thru)

3:01 am MP: The bars are closed

3:02 am MP: Should I wait for you outside?

G: Ya

3:04 am MP: K to the right

3:23 am MP: Should I leave?

3:44 am MP: You in bed for the night?

*Next day*

11:51 am MP: You wanna get breakfast?

12:01 pm MP: come on, I wanna see you!

Is that someone desperate to get laid or is that someone desperate to get laid? Get home get on facebook, girlfriend.  RE-SHUNNED! Asshole.