RAPE!!!!!

Ok yes I am screaming rape but it was only emotional and then the next day by nature.  I’m sure you all have been sitting at home clacking away at your keyboard…”cocktailsattiffanys.wordpress.com, no post. damnit. cocktails at tiffanys.wordpress.com.  still no post. fuck myyyyy liffffffeeeeeee why won’t these stupid whores post something!!!” And so on and so forth, I just hope no one actually slit their wrists waiting to see if I hit it big with HOTTIE on Thursday night.  The answer to that is no, but as always where Gizzy goes drama follows.

Can I just have an A.D.D. moment and say that I am watching a Knight’s Tale right now and it makes want to lay in a luke warm bath and cry my eyes out while listening to The Way You Look Tonight and daydream about what mine and Heath Ledgers wedding would’ve been like if he hadn’t died.  I am so sad right now.  Not to mention our 18 kids with their luscious wavy golden locks. The part when William goes back to see his old blind dad, O-M-G ugly girl cry.

Anyway, back to the weekend.  I was only supposed to stay at the old alma mater Thursday night, but it didn’t deem the results I wanted after not seeing HOTTIE at the bars Thursday but seeing him Friday after I dropped Gigi at class with my makeup from the night before still caked to my face while rocking out to Enrique Iglesias in my rickety old beater of a car. So of course I had to go back Friday night, ruin everything and embarrass myself.  Ok so maybe it wasn’t that bad.  But I got myself into a bit of a pickle.  Everything was going great until Bri tells me that Fred (HOTTIE’S bff) isn’t out but she is going to text and ask him if HOTTIE is in town, just so I know.  Fred replies and says that HOTTIE went home for the weekend.  To my knowledge the conversation was over after that. But 15 minutes later here comes Fred in his sweatpants.  Fred walks up and immediately starts talking to me about the last incident that had occurred with HOTTIE, which is EXACTLY what Merdie did the previous night. Christ.

Instead of keeping my shit together, I flip it and go off on Fred asking why HOTTIE is telling everyone in his goddamned rolodex about that night! He retorts with a magnificent explanation about how HOTTIE likes me and has never really had a girlfriend because he is a huge nerd and “isn’t emotionally out there” (Fred’s words not mine, I don’t know what the hell it means) and that when he initially heard about me he was hoping I would go for it, but now that I have brought all the drama to the yard he’s not so sure.  I 100% agree, I am a prime candidate for a chapter in He’s Just Not That Into You and I am completely aware of it. But when I build a bridge it typically gets burnt as well.  So needless to say, I’ll run the HOTTIE thing into the ground until 1 of 3 things happen: 1) He straight up tells me to keep his name out my mouth 2) I find someone new to obsess over 3) I get a court order to leave him alone. We’ll either be together for ever or he’ll hate my drunk guts when this is all over with.

I tried to recover so that I didn’t seem like the complete psycho that I am and hung out with Fred, his ex girlfriend, and their friend Mike the rest of the night.  Fred&Co invited me back to Fred’s for a post bars cocktail, I had to respectfully decline and take Mercedes home since she was 2 seconds away from pulling her thong to the side and having her way with one of Gigi’s boyfriend’s friends against the bar behind us.  I thought I had redeemed myself by showing Fred&Co my true cool and oh so sly self after I shut up about HOTTIE so that they could all go back and tell HOTTIE that he should propose.

It worked a little too well.  The next day I get a text from Bri saying that Fred asked her for my number and she didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, I was busy third wheeling it with Betty and her archaeologist boyfriend in a canoe and it took me 5 hours to respond.  During which I got raped by nature, always needing to be in control I nominated myself to be in the back of the boat.  I got smacked in the body with a tree branch and I look like I’ve been beaten to death.  We’re talking egg on the head, mini-black eye, scrapes on my face and neck, most of my left leg is missing, and some how 3 of my vertebrae got taken out.  Basically when we were approaching the tree limb instead of doing the smart thing and bailing out I did the stooopid thing and laid down and had the rolling pin effect done to my whole body.  Anyway, when I saw the text from Bri my thoughts went 2 ways, either he wants my number to hook me up with HOTTIE or I impressed him so much that now he wants to take part in what HOTTIE is missing out on.  The logical part of me thinks he wants to hook me up with HOTTIE and doesn’t want my phone number to try and bang me since he knows I am in love with his best friend and the fact that I am friends with his ex-girlfriend and us talking/hanging out in a non-platonic way would piss off everyone we both know and love/get us both gunned down.  But, men are scum. So we’ll see.

With that being said, I have started to talk to my high school crush again.  That’s all I’m going to say right now because there is a good chance of him reading this and I’d really like to tell him how I feel about him before the rest of the world.  But, if he does read this and still wants to hang out with me he is either my soul mate or has something mentally wrong with him.  Probably the later or he’d have a girlfriend already.

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