Thursday was quite possibly the worst day of my adult life. I say my adult life because I don’t think I’ll ever have a worse day then when I pooped my pants on the first day of 7th grade. Oh wait. No one knows about that. Damnit. Cat’s out of the bag!
Thursday started out seemingly decent. I drove to my alma mater to attend the job fair. I stopped at 3 booths while there (I am such an over achiever) got 2 interviews and an invitation to apply online (Proctor and Gamble, just my luck.) One of the interviews was scheduled to happen on Friday morning and the other one will be down the road. My friend Kyle that works at the company said he would hook it up.
So I leave the job fair and hop in my car to go to my test which is about 65 miles away and I leave in PLENTY of time, 2 hours before I need to be there. I get 20 miles down the interstate and I hear a BOOM and see something fly out the back of my car. G-REAT! THEN I hear a scraping sound and every time I hit a bump something flies up and hits underneath my car. I pull off and see that my entire exhaust system has broken in half and is dragging the ground.
Thank the lord jesus for technology. I hopped on the horn to a near-by midas and they told me to “bring ‘er in.” $320 and 3 hours later I had missed the test but the hoopty was purring like a kitten. I went back to SHIT U to stay at Mercedes apartment so I could be well rested for my big interview the next morning.
I was SUPER stoked about this interview. It was with a software consulting firm so if they liked me I could be making 60K a year, get to live wherever I wanted in the continental US, get 4 weeks of paid vacation, have a 4 day work week, they fly me wherever I’m needed, AND they pay for my living expenses Monday – Thursday. So that means I would only have to pay to be alive 43% of the time. I thought I had a pretty decent shot of getting it considering I was wandering around the job fair aimlessly and one of their recruiters, Matt, approached ME to see what kind of job I was looking for. I’m on my way back to SHIT U when right on time I get pulled over. The officer clocks me going 69 in a 65. On the interstate. Like really fuck ass mother fucker, 4 over is subject to interpretation because what if your stupid ass radar detector is off or what if my gauge is off. Like seriously, FUCK THE PO-LICE! So not only does he give me a speeding ticket, he thinks I’m hiding something and searches my car. All he finds are some leftover bottles from events I’ve done IN THE TRUNK! I have no idea what the open container laws in this state are AT THE TIME and when he raises a stink about it I just say I thought it was fine since they were in the trunk and clearly I wasn’t drinking them. He proceeds to tell me that he is going to confiscate them but will let me slide with a warning this time. I flip him the bird behind his back (hope your fucking PO camera got that on film asswipe) and drive away going 64 miles an hour. Later I looked up the open container laws only to find that it is NOT illegal to have an open container in the car, and the passenger can be chugging away all they want and these dirty po’s can’t say a word about it, SHIT even the driver is allowed to drink as long as when you’re given a breathalyzer you blow under 0.04. So I could’ve been drinking the shit and not been breaking the law. You best BELIEVE I am filing a complaint. This state owes me some BOOZE!
Anyway, I get to Mercedes apartment and eat my feelings for a solid hour and a half when she tells me, Garbage is coming to go out tonight. Garbage is Snoop-Linus’ “good friend” and old roommate who Mercedes was weirdly attracted to. He has a greasy face, a HUGE nose, no personality, and basically sucks as a person so I don’t get it. Garbage and Mercedes date back to when Snoop-Linus and I first began dating, they drunkenly made out in a bar one night after we introduced them and she fell in love. Since then Garbage has stood Mercedes up, stolen her pot, stolen her booze, made her foot several of their dinner bills, pre-ejaculated, not ejaculated at all, not called her for months at a time, told her she was worthless and he could never bring a black girl home…. just to name a few. He SUUUUCKS! Out of all of Snoop-Linus’ friends I want him to drop dead the most. Not only did he screw over Mercedes, but he also screwed Snoop-Linus out of a nice apartment and thousands of dollars among other things, he also purposely and single handedly got me an F on a test and TRIED to screw me out of about $300. These are stories for another time. Just know, I hate him and wish him only the worst in life.
So, Mercedes is all excited because Garbage is coming to go out. I explain to her at least 50 times that she knows how much of a grubbing mooch he is and that she won’t see or hear from him until 4am when he wants to come get laid and smoke a bowl. Mercedes says “It’s different this time,” but I, I know it’s not because once a piece of garbage ALWAYS a piece of garbage.
Mercedes begs me to go out and be her wingwoman. I’ll be a vagina block, that’s what I’ll be. Fucking Garbage. I tell her I’ll be the DD because I don’t want to jeopardize the wonderful opportunity I’ve been given to interview with this company. So we go out and she meets some other dude and is all slob knob over him. I’m standing there chatting away with Acts Gay But Says He’s Straight Friend Adam when I see BEAST/WHORE #1 walk in the bar. I was already aware that Acts Gay But Says He’s Straight Friend Adam knows her and had previously filled him in on why I hate her. So I tell him BEAST/WHORE #1 is here!! He says “WHERE?!!” and as he turns to look there she is touching my arm with her Louis Vuitton. Slut. My eyes were huge, Acts Gay But Says He’s Straight Friend Adam’s eyes were huge and she was just standing there like a dumb cunt towering over everyone with her beastly chins.
Beast/Whore #1 and Acts Gay But Says He’s Straight Friend Adam talk for a few about god knows what while I am furiously texting Gigi telling her to come help me take this bitch out. Gigi also has a bad history with Beast/Whore #1 so she is passionately hated by everyone who knows us and 99% of the campus and tri-state area, and Italy.
The next thing I know I hear Acts Gay But Says He’s Straight Friend Adam saying this to Beast/Whore #1, “This is my best friend Gizzy, she is like the most amazing person I have ever met.” Beast/Whore #1 sticks out her man hand and says, “Hi I’m Beast/Whore #1,” (You people know me well enough to know that this WILL NOT fly in Gizzy’s world. Whore.) So I shoot her the dirtiest look I can conjure up and leave her man hand hanging solo. Slut. THEN she says, “I know you from somewhere, where is it?” OOOOHHH NOOO BITCH, ITS ON! I scream at her, “You know exactly where you know me from you fat whore.” And throw my sprite on her fat head. Turn around and see none other than HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON standing there looking at me. I burst into tears and went running out of the bar. And no one followed.
Eventually I pulled myself together and met Mercedes and her flavor of the hour at another bar, after repeatedly texting her to “let me know when that fat cunt leaves.” The flavor of the hour realized he probably wasn’t going to get any so he left, then Mercedes eyes Garbage from across the way. Of course Garbage never approaches her, just like I said so I put the kibosh on hanging out with him and tell her the train is leaving because I need to go have an ugly girl cry by myself. So she says “hi” to Garbage while I stand at the door and scour him and his dirty friends with my eyes in disgust.
We get back to Mercedes apartment and it’s 3am, I tuck myself in happy that I am going to get 5 hours asleep when 20 minutes later Mercedes busts out of her room and says that Garbage and his friend are coming over to smoke at 4 am, just like I said. I grunt in utter disgust and roll over. 45 minutes later they show up and repeatedly open her door every 5 minutes screaming my name until 7:30 in the morning to ensure that I get NO SLEEP before my interview. See why I want them dead? What pisses me off is that Mercedes is a bitch whore and never told them to stop because I needed to sleep. She laughed. And that is why Mercedes is now and forever SHUNNED! I have enough token black friends anyway.