Captain’s Quarrel

I had this awesome dream last night about me and Channing Tatum.  We were both soldiers leaving for Iraq.  We had both been eyeing each other before we boarded the plane, but this plane was like a super plane and we had bedrooms and 1 roommate.  Alas, Channing Tatum was my roommate.  But what! What is this? Our room only had ONE BED, and it was a full bed so we had to share. At first we did the appropriate respectful thing and slept head to combat boot.  But then I felt bad because every time we hit turbulence he would hit his head on the metal footboard so I told him if he wanted he could turn around and lay the same way as me.  So he did, and we made out, and then he started being cute and telling me about all my mannerisms that he had noticed since we boarded the plane like when Tad Hamilton recited all of Rosalee’s different laugh’s to her in Win a Date With Tad Hamilton but really they were the laughs that Pete had noticed. And I was like OMG Iraq is the best! And then I woke up and I was super pissed because obviously there was about to be a killer sex scene but you know, you can’t get any in real life so you sure as hell aren’t going to get any from Channing Tatum in your dream.  I kept replaying what I could remember  from the dream while I tried to fall back asleep in my head hoping that we could pick up where we left off but it never happened.  Sigh.

I believe I may have unknowingly gotten myself into a love triangle this past weekend and now I am scared of getting caught and I haven’t even really done anything wrong, yet. So I’ve been working Captain Morgan gig’s like none other.  I get paid $25 an hour so why not dress like a hooker 2 nights out of the week right?  I’ve been working in a nearby college town with a crew that I have met but never really worked with.  Typically when we’re working a Captain event it’s 1 captain, 2 Morganette’s, and a manager.  Well before I came along this girl, we’ll call her Crystal because it’s a trashy name, had always been the manager but now I was signing up for the manager and she was having to dress like a hooker.  However, Crystal dates the Captain for like 3 years.  They are 22 so it’s not like the forces of spiced rum and a horny pirate brought them together.

So last week Crystal is texting me getting all shitty because Captain is worried about the events that I am managing going well because they think I am inexperienced and don’t know what I am doing.  I hate to break it to them, but I have managed more events and been with the company longer which is why I AM THE MANAGER, so they should step off and learn a thing or 2.  I told her not to worry about it and just to show up dressed in her wench’s uniform 15 minutes before they were set to go on.  I had to go to Captain’s apartment and pick up some things for the event because he refused to mail them to me so we spent some time shooting the shit before we left for the event.  Friday night goes magnificently.

Saturday night it’s, me the Captain, and another girl Smashley working.  Smashley calls in and when I tell the Captain it’s just me and him he gets a little too excited and asks me to come over and drive us both to the event.  So I do and the event is a bust, there’s 5 people in the bar so we do our spiel then we sit down to have a drink since we have to stay there for an hour and he’s all over me.  We go back to his place I change, he tells me if I want to stay and go out tonight I can stay at his place.  I say maybe next time because I have no clothes.  I leave.

I’m about halfway home when he starts texting me asking if we can hang out next weekend because he likes me yada yada yada and we text all night Saturday night, all day/night Sunday, and already today.  Normally I would never come between a couple but I have heard that he is afraid to dump Crystal because he is afraid she will beat him.  Crystal is not nice and also a raging bitch.  She’s about the same size as Captain (and he’s not small) BUT she is gorgeous.  I have also heard that Captain has cheated on Crystal before and she caught him, and told all of the girls we work with that he was “actin’ up”  this scares me because I never heard how she caught him.  She might go through his phone, in which case I am a dead girl walking.  I haven’t done anything wrong, yet.  He is the one that has been making the inappropriate comments and asking to hang out.  AND if I do decide to hang out with him I will ask him what is going on between the two of them.  But, I kind of don’t feel bad because she is such a bitch and treats him horribly.  I’m not looking to date him because he’s kind of a dumb dumb but he is hot so I would throw him a few make out sesh’s.  We have gotten to know each other a little bit and have a few similar interests and I am starting to think he might be bi-sexual or maybe just a huge metro or maybe he is just sensitive I have no idea, but…

These are the things I know about Captain:

-He is creepily into chick flicks.  Especially those with Isla Fisher.

-He has a hobby of fidgeting with car stereos (and has graciously offered to fix mine.)

-He loves Halo.

-He’s into vampire movies, that he watches with a minimum of 1 light on.

-He calls himself a nerd.

-He doesn’t drink unless he is going out with a crew of at least 4 people.

-He has a weird asian roommate named Raymundo.

-He sends out texts that he thinks are deep.  Ex: “If you never stand for anything your going to be sitting your whole life.”  – “Your” dumb dumb.

-His mother taught him to never go through a woman’s purse, yet he went through mine anyway (with permission.)

-He thinks men with Australian accents are sexy.

-He whole heartedly believes that oreo’s will make anything better.

-He hates people (maybe we are soulmates.)

-He own’s a white faux fur winter hat.

-He thinks that “liar” is spelled “lier.”

-“House” is his favorite t.v. show.

-He can grow a beard in 3.5 days.

Now, take these Captain fun facts as you will.  I’m not sure what to do with them yet, but I will take diligent notes from here on out of any encounters I have with Captain and Captain’s Crystal.


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15 thoughts on “Captain’s Quarrel

  1. Oh Captain, my Captain…

    -L

  2. Alexia says:

    Uhm, hello…. I totally have a crush on your blog. There were about a zillion and thirteen things I wanted to comment on in this post but since it’s 3am and I am only here in the hopes that the laptop light will send me to sleep -pause to take breath- I’ll say only what I can remember off the top of my head.

    1. I will be stealing your dreams tonight (sans Iraq and sans waking up. I mean, I’d like to wake up at SOME point otherwise I’d be dead/ in a coma, but preferably after Tatum proposes).
    2. Pirate costumes? Fo’ real? Yar.
    3. Dorothy Parker: “I like my men to be dumb, ruthless and stupid.” Word.
    4. I’m out.

  3. Hahah Alexia you are totes right with the Dorothy Parker quote, if we go for the dumb hot ones then we seem smarter and more worldly. Works for me!

  4. Catherine says:

    LOL on these random facts. I do like that he can grow a beard in 3.5 days. Very masculine 🙂 But the faux fur white hat? Not so masculine. haha!

  5. Ditto Catherine, Gizzy that white hat is totally gay…between that, the chick flicks, and his love of House….I just don’t know about this.

    -L

  6. Yeah you guys are right for sure. Saturday night he was dressed as the Ursus Polar Bear for our event and we were sitting at his place and he was telling me about how he had to comb his carpet to get all the fur out of it from the costume (this is humiliating even for me) and I say, “Oh no wonder you have to comb the carpet when you leave the paws laying around like this,” And pull WHAT I THOUGHT was a paw from the costume out from under the coffee table. But it was the hat. And I was like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT IS THIS!?” THEN, he pulled a Carrie Bradshaw on me and said, “It’s fabulous and I love it. Don’t make fun of it.” And yanked it out of my hand. He is totally gay. What am I doing?
    -G

  7. ShyGuy says:

    I’m sorry… what about this guy is attractive?
    Is it his severe homo tendencies?
    or do you just want a guy to yell “shiver-me-timbers” when he blows it in your eye?

  8. Well ShyGuy, what’s attractive about him is that HE is attractive. He does personal training and is a hot piece of ass – something I’m not so used to. The homosexual tendencies are just plain funny.
    -G

  9. Daaaaaaamn, ShyGuy! You are so harsh on us! Listen mister, you are going to have to accept the fact that me and Gizzy just don’t meet guys that are as amazing as you are, and with big boner dicks to boot.

    Hot damn!

    -L

  10. What a great dream…well, until you woke up it was.

    I think the Captain is right about the Oreos.

  11. I could totally go for some double-stuff right now. Do they still make the Oreas with the chocolate creme inside?

    Damn.

    -L

  12. […] note: Here is the picture text I just received from The Captain of his “Teddy […]

  13. […] other news, I got a half naked picture of The Captain via The Text Message yesterday and I have to say, Gizzy doesn’t hate it. Lucky told me she […]

  14. […] note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.”  I bet you guys can’t […]

  15. […] Gizzy is getting ready in a bathroom disguised as a fun house to go work with The Captain in Polar Bear form & Captain’s Crystal’s Bff, […]

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