Yesterday embarked the day that I may have actually gotten myself a joberoo. I took my test at Gargles Swab and passed. GO ME! I HAVE A PULSE! So I went back yesterday for an “Info Session,” you would think that they were hiding out the president or at least Lindsay Lohan in this bitch the way security was. Like first you’re going into a gated parking lot so the attendant has to verify you don’t look like you’re going to blow the place up, then once you get inside the building they hold you in a little glass box and make you talk to security through an intercom while they watch you on cameras, then you have to approach the security desk, give them your drivers license so they can scan it and make sure you’re not a terrorist and then they give you a visitor’s badge, then you wait for the person who your appointment is with to come and escort you where you need to go. I mean that’s a lot of shit to do. You know me, here’s how I fucked it up…
I made it through round 1 with the parking attendant and whilst I’m chillaxin in the glass box the man on the intercom asks me why my eyes are bloodshot.
First I clear my throat, then I lean in so far that I’m basically tonguing the intercom, “Ehem, I got shampoo in my eyes.”
“Miss Gizzy, you can step away from the intercom, we can hear you just fine.”
Still tonging the intercom, “OH! Ok!”
“Miss have you been using drugs today?”
Taking a few seconds too long to ponder, “No. No I have not.”
Then they buzz me in. Typically when a buzzer goes off that means the door is open right? Wrong! I try and walk through the door and slam into it with my face. When I finally made it through the pearly gates I see the woman who is in charge of if I get hired standing there chatting about my drug use with security. As soon as we get into the “training room,” they let us know that some of us (me) may be subject to random drug screening pending employment. Which is fine, I really did get shampoo in my eyes so their drug test can suck my big fat pee sample. The things we do for a salary.
Later in the training room I caught myself eating old candy out of my purse again. Then I wondered if any of the 7 other people in the room noticed, so I got nervous and my mouth got dry and my body rejected the candy in an attempt to give me any kind of moisture in my mouth and I hacked it up. So here I am, red faced, red eyed, hacking up an old milk dud in front of my potential new employer. If they hire me I will be impressed with not only myself but their lack of good judgement.
Side note: Here is the picture text I just received from The Captain of his “Teddy Bunny”
Which is what I told him to text me a picture of instead of his naked body. Then I asked him what the deal was with the tiny fish in the background, cause what is he like 6? And he sends me this:
Which is kind of neat that he did himself. But still reminds me of something a child would have on their wall. He redeemed himself by telling me what the deal is with him and his girlfriend and saying that he is “done with it” and that talking to me is the “highlight of his day” these are all things I’ve heard before and I don’t believe it. Why? Because he is a man and men are lying cheating scumlords. I reciprocated by sending him a picture of Mercedes driving a Uhaul since he knows her too. Then he tells me that’s not the kind of picture he was thinking of. I mean what, you want me to send you a naked picture? OK! Then I can’t be Miss America if you leak the picture, you really think I’m going to waste my 1 shot at fame on sending you a nudie pic? NO SIREE!
I can just see the headlines now, “Gizzy forced to give up reigning title of Miss America due to naked text picture sent to Captain Morgan.” CHRIST! Who does he think I am? Pamela Anderson? I don’t just go around flopping my junk out for whoever wants to take a peak.
On that note, I think I better get to bed. I have big plans to wake up and watch Let’s Make A Deal and The Price Is Right tomorrow morning. God I love game shows.