For starters, I’m listening to talk radio. Not like E! News, like political talk radio. I think this is a sure-fire sign that my insides are decaying and my heart is closing its doors for business. I’ve been in a dumpy mood lately. Sure, I’m still pissed about The Has Been Matt McFaggot, but it’s not just that.
I was telling Gizzy yesterday that I know I’ll get over McFaggot, that’s not the issue. My problem is, every time it doesn’t work out with a guy, I take it soooooo personally. And then I am convinced that I’m just not cool enough, fun enough, cute enough. Which means I’ll never find a match and I will end up single forever.
I always tell people that my biggest fear is being murdered, which is true. But I think I have an even bigger fear—ending up alone. And YES, I know, I am the only person that can truly make me happy BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. We all know that’s a fucking lie to make single people feel better about their lives. I’m totally going to be an old cat lady, with shelves and shelves of dusty books because I refuse to read them electronically, and then my neighbor kids are going to steal my newspapers, because I’ll be the only mother fucker still reading a damned newspaper.
Anyway, in all of this negative energy I have swirling around me, I’ve been thinking about my disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex. I really hope he is miserable. I figured I needed to remind myself of what a faggot he really is. So I’m posting a series of text messages we sent a few months back when I accused him of cheating in my other blog.
Ex: You need to reconsider what you’re saying about me. You don’t have the right to post lies on your online journal project.
***calls me, I don’t answer***
Ex: I didn’t think you would respond. In my experience people who add their own twist to people’s statements never have the guts to answer to their lies.
Me: I have a blog to express myself in my ways, it’s my opinion, and if you don’t like it, don’t read it. But I am done writing about you. Time to find a new muse.
Me: Idk why you care what I think about you. I’m not in your life, nor will I ever be, you dumped me so be done with me. At least out of respect for your girlfriend.
Ex: I care bc I care about you. I have enjoyed being able to talk to you like a friend the last few weeks too.
Me: Well some of the things we’ve said to each other aren’t too friendly. And I know I wouldn’t want my guy texting the ex.
Ex: I guess I come from a different perspective on personal relationships. Caring for someone and wanting the best for them and staying in touch doesn’t have to be terminated bc it doesn’t continue to grow. You feel different that’s ok I know its ok to have ppl in your life like that.
Ex: That might not have come out like I thought it. This is why quick phone calls are best.
Me: I just don’t think a phone call is appropriate. I’m trying to respect your wishes and hers, too. I’ve been that girl and it’s not fun.
Ex: You’re assuming that we are going to have an inappropriate convo. I have a cordial relationship with everyone I have dated except the one who cheated on me.
Ex: But hey, we are different I guess. I see life as too short to throw good people out of your life.
Me: I would never let us have a flirty or sexual conversation, but I think a relationship deserves respect. She deserves to know that you aren’t texting an ex.
Me: Indeed we are different, which is great. It’s obvious I don’t see you as a good person anymore. But I wish you all the best.
Ex: Like I said, your wired different and hold everything inside. That’s your thing and if it works for you ok. I had an hour talk yesterday evening with an ex and friend about her little boy and fiancé, etc. it was wonderful. And her fiancé knows all about me. But you’re not a bad person because you lock things in.
Me: That’s great. But I don’t hold my feelings in, I just told you I don’t think you’re a good person anymore.
Ex: What changed about me as a person? I’m somehow bad because I respected you enough to share my feelings? Cool.
Me: You’ve read my blog, you know what has changed. I appreciate that you let me go.
Ex: So what changed is that after we separated I happened to run into a person I was interested in getting to know? Just FYI, we didn’t end because I wanted to date someone that I already started dating. So your VERY wrong about that.
Me: That’s great! But you don’t have to prove it to me, I really don’t need to know. Just write me off as a psycho bitch and call it a day.
Ex: But your NOT. Youre a wonderful woman that I always want to be associated with at some level of friendship. Would you have preferred that I waited for you to find a bf first?
Me: Nope. You are allowed to do whatever you please. What is the problem here? Are you upset that I don’t have this image of you that you think I should?
Ex: no, I guess its that you refuse to accept that its ok for 2 ppl to not work romantically but still appreciate the personal side of the relationship, the things they liked about each other as a person should remain in place. But…that’s my position
Me: It’s cool that you are friends with your exes, but I have no desire to be your friend. Esp after I had to have a mtg with my attorney this morning on my rights for the blog. It’s just drama.
Ex: Interesting that you feel you needed to go the attorney route. I doubt he told you it was ok to name me like you did.
Me: I never mentioned your name. the blog stays. Pretend I’m dead.
Ex: Blog can stay. Never asked you to remove it nor would i. and yes, you put my full name in it awhile back then continued to talk about me.
Me: Never have I ever used your full name.
Ex: Right, well perhaps I misread. Well I hope you won’t continue to misrepresent or create fact based on thought or creative idea you might have about our past.
Me: You aren’t my editor, so get over yourself. Quit reading it. Please leave me alone.
Ex: I am always available if you ever need me for a conversation or friend. Enjoy your day and sincere best wishes in everything you do.
Well, now that pissed me off enough to snap me out of suicidal depression. In other news, I have developed a terrible fear of getting pulled over. This is extremely weird for me. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened. I just know that I went nearly five years without a wreck or a ticket and then I got two in less than a year. THEN, I got reprimanded by a cop in a parking lot TWICE. So now I nearly have an anxiety attack every time I get in the car! No lie, it is getting a little out of hand. If a light turns yellow I slam on my breaks and if it’s green, I’m like, saying a little prayer to myself (please don’t turn yellow, God, stay green, stay GREEN!!!).
This morning, there was a cop with his lights on in the driveway of a house I passed. Once my car passed the house, he backed out of the driveway and got into traffic, and turned his lights off. I double-checked everything. Turn signal? Head lights? Seat belt? So we are sitting at a light, when he turns his lights back on. He freaking pulled over the car behind me! Omigod I was hyperventilating. This has to stop.
And no, I’ve never smoked weed. It can’t be THAT kind of paranoia.