Toilet Seat or Josh Duhamel?

Goddamn guys, I am exhausted.  Lucky and I had a hard night at work tonight.  Somewhere in the mix of 5 months that we’ve had The Blog I have become obsessed with the monthly chart.  Like to the point where I think it is my actual job to meet “goals” that I made up in my head for us and constantly refer to “The Chart” as if it’s a greater being.  Which it is. The daily and weekly I can give or take but the monthly numbers, THEY HAS TO GO UP EVERY SINGLE MONTH! That’s the big time. So tonight Lucky and I found and commented on a few new blogs trying to bring in some new readers so that I didn’t have an aneurism when we didn’t meet the goal and essentially making ourselves famous (WELCOME! NEW READERS!) (AND WASSSUUPP to our loyal readers that have been here from the beginning.)  Anyway, we found some hilarrrious and awesome blogs to stay tuned into and share with you guys.  And in case anyone is wondering, we did not meet the goal (off by 8 hits! 8!!!!!!), and I hate myself.  My ultimate goal is to say what they say on the preview for The Social Network, “The website got 22000 hits.  In an hour.” We all need dreams.

On that note, I’m winding down the night with some hint of lime tortilla chips, raisinets, merlot and a glass of milk.  No I’m not pregnant.  I hope.  Actually… maybe? I have sat on some pretty questionable toilet seats this month.  Imagine what my parents would do, “Mom, Dad, I’m pregnant. YAY!” After we brought my mother back to life I would imagine they would ask who the father was and I’d have to be like, “Well…. seee…. that’s the thinggg…. it’s a toilet seat baby.” And then they would call me a liar, and my dad would definitely call the baby a bastard.  Or maybe just toilet seat baby.  It would never have a real name though.  I guess we would call it TSB for short so the other kids don’t make fun of it.  Then when I gave toilet seat baby away at her wedding, the preacher would say who gives this woman away.  And I would have to stand up and say, “This toilet seat and I.” And then when they had the daughter father dance I could attach some golden wheels to the bottom of the toilet seat so she could stand on him and glide around the dance floor like the good old days when she was a baby.  No.  Come on guys, stop it, I’m not pregnant.

In other news, I got a half naked picture of The Captain via The Text Message yesterday and I have to say, Gizzy doesn’t hate it. Lucky told me she thought it was weird that he was sitting at home in the afternoon raising his shirt and taking pics for me, which it is, but Gizzy still doesn’t hate it.  Oh you want to see, ok…

I hope that everyone can finally see what I see. I mean so he is kind of dumb, and maybe likes boys and furry hats.  But who cares, right? I have flaws too.  I drink and I cuss too much.  See? It’s a compromise! All about the give and take.  BUT, the whole girlfriend thing is starting to get in the way.  Tonight I actually got a text from him saying, “Watch the texting Captain’s Crystal will be with me.” A-SCUSIE?! Here’s the thing, I don’t text unless I am texted.  Hmmkay.  And that’s exactly what I told him.  I actually tried to cut off ties the other day by being like, “Hey this isn’t cool you have a girlfriend, talk to me when your single. Only text me about work related things.” (Lucky’s words.  Verbatim.) (On that note, just received  a text from him right this second: “Hey Sexy” whyyyy whyyy does he make it so hard!? I want to be like, “Come over, take my clothes off!” But as I always say, I’m classy.) But anyway, the only texting about work thing lasted like oh A DAY! Then he goes on saying that he’ll keep the texting light (right! “Hey sexy” is so “light”) because as long as nothing physical happens again then we’re not doing anything wrong.  Well no.  He is young, hot, and dumb.  It’s totally wrong.  So wrong.  Bad, bad, bad.  Anyway, I figure this weekend I’ll find a way to let him down gently and tell him to stop sending me half naked pictures, as much as I love them and they make my day a little bit better I have to put my foot down.

And on a completely different note, tomorrow I have my final interview with Gargles Swab.  Which I hope everyone else is as excited about as I am because if I get the job that means a whole new set of guys and a whole new set of drama. Mwhahaha.  We’ll grow up.  Someday.  This is what I want to happen, when I went for the info session I saw a guy sitting at a desk that looked just like Josh Duhamel:

And my goal is to make him take me on a date and possibly marry and impregnate me.  Ok, so get your thinking caps ready because if I get to that office I’m going to need every charismatic line to use that you people have got.  Oh! How exciting! I’ve already been working on The Bend And Snap in front of my mirror tonight.  It’s legit.  This guy might be my dream man.  Just letting everyone know so when we get married you all can say, “I remember when she posted on her anonymous blog that she knew he was the one.” And everyone can awe and ding their glasses for us to kiss, and then we’ll go on a perfect honeymoon, and come back to our perfect house, and have some perfect babies, and life will just be perfect.  Yeah, I totally realize that I have two different scenarios of how my life post babies will be, and one is with what might be the most attractive man on the planet and the other with a toilet seat, but a girl’s got to have options. Especially in this economy. I also need to know which of these you guys think would work best given he doesn’t like me right off the bat (which is what will most likely happen.)
#1 I could pull the “Lets set each other up on a blind date” move and then say the girl backed out and go myself.
#2 Be best friends with him and hope he falls in love with all of my mannerisms (Again, see: Win A Date With Tad Hamilton(Josh Duhamel, this is perfect.)
#3 Ask if he wants to get drunk together and hope he goes for it when I fall and my lips land on his.
#4 Slip him the date rape drug and get pregnant so he is stuck with me forever.
Any winners? No? I didn’t think so. Back to the boards guys.

I’ve talked enough crazy for one day, it’s go time.  Vote for Gizzy!

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22 thoughts on “Toilet Seat or Josh Duhamel?

  1. Alexia says:

    1.Photo? Miaow.
    2. You crack me up. In a major way.
    3. I think my blog crush is getting serious.
    4. Option 3 sounds doable. As do both men mentioned.

  2. I love the sticky note over Captain’s face.



  3. justmarriedgirl says:

    I’m afraid the Captain’s Crystal is going to find those texts and go crazy in the style of Ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods. Plus, sending you a picture of his abs? Bye Captain!

    As far as Not Really but Kind of Josh Duhamel, I think you should work it so that on the elevator one day, you both reach for the same button at the same time. Your hands will touch, then you’ll turn to look at one another, fingers entwined. Fireworks will go off. Bunnies will hop at your feet. Music will swell. You’ll have no choice but to marry.

    If this doesnt work, I like the scenario where you trip and your lips fall on his.

  4. Ohhh! Just Married Girl, I like your style! That’s actually what happened with HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON but that didn’t work out because I got too drunk every weekend, I’ll play my cards different this time. I like it, I like it very much!!!

  5. Holy shit, I wish I had known about #1 when I was single!
    I think what is essential is that you have good background music. So the night before your interview, you need to break into the place and find the cd player that they use to pipe in easy listening versions of Judas Priest, and replace it with a cd of your own making. That way when it’s time for your interview, “Bad to the Bone” will be playing and you can strut your ass in there, in style! 🙂

    • I stole #1 from Sex And The City, it didn’t work on the show but I think if I show up in the least amount of clothing as possible it could work out.

      I do like the CD idea and strutting my stuff. Unfortunately the interview is in 2 hours so I’ll have to hum Bad To The Bone in my head and pretend like he can hear it too!

  6. Why can’t we have music playing everywhere…like in AntiTrust (helloooo hottie Ryan Philippe) when he walks into each room the art changes…the music could change.



  7. Mine theme song would be “Hair of the Dog” by Nazareth. I’d just take my arm and clear the dudes desk and then drag him to the elevator. lol

  8. Uhhh….*MY* not mine. I need more coffee.

  9. 36x37 says:

    Well, I feel like I need to say two things. 1) It should be weird that this guy is lifting up his shirt and taking a picture of it. 2) But when you have abs like that, you kind of owe a photo like this to the world, don’t you.

    Yes. Yes you do.

    (Thanks for adding me to your blog roll. Honored! And–kismet!–I’m actually here to grab your URL to add you and Lucky to mine.

    I love it when a plan comes together.

  10. Wahooo! Thanks girl!


  11. I need some Raisinets…now?

    Wow, are the Captain’s abs available this weekend? I’d like to do my laundry on them.

  12. I gave you 8 page views today. Bank it for September and good luck meeting your goals for October. 🙂

    Seriously, though, funny blog! 🙂

  13. Melissa says:

    Jesus. Please tell the captain to text me too. Thanks.

  14. Catherine says:

    Umm, what the hell do I have to do to get a text like that. Give him my number. Xoxo. Catherine

  15. HAHAHA! Look at all the fans the Captain has…


  16. […] I’m also not a big fan of Cousin M because she is a bitch. So I have been laughing an evil laugh all night long, and then I went out and bought a pregnancy test and took it because, karma and toilet seat. […]

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