Captain Single!

HO-LA! First and foremost can we have a moment of silence for Lucky’s lappy.  R.I.P. lappy.  Secondly, I would like to apologize for my leave of absence, I’ve been doing research for the blog.  Research of the male anatomy.  Badabing!

Last time in my dream world The Captain was large and in charge with a girlfriend.  Everything is the same.  Except sans girlfriend.  I think. I’ll take a moment for you to do your happy dance.

We had our first date Sunday night and since then we have gotten into approximately 434242340593 arguments.  But they are hot.  We went to a steakhouse, I ordered steak he ordered chicken.  We can all see who wears the pants in this relationship. That’s me, Gizzy the pants wearer.  And we went to see social network followed by a hot make out sesh and some heavy petting.  We went on our 2nd date Monday night for frozen yogurt and another movie.  All is right with the world and now we can get married and have lots of babies with little baby abs right? No.

Yesterday he called me slightly less than a gazillion times because he has a nasty butt dialing habit, so every day I get about 4 voicemails where I can listen to him at the bank, or singing along to Miley in his car, or even him hanging out with a girl. Which is what happened yesterday.  I couldn’t decipher the whole conversation since the message was a little muffled but from what I rounded up it sounded like him and Mystery Woman were having a conversation involving the words, “You need to try harder,” coming from her.  Then I get a text from Captain’s Ex Crystal asking if I can cover her shift on Sunday.  I say sure and ask if The Captain has the materials and she says, let me ask him, and .2 seconds later responds with yep he says he does.   Riddle me this, Mystery Woman + Captain + Convo about something where The Captain needs to “try harder” + Captain’s Crystal getting a response out of The Captain asking if he has my materials BEFORE The Captain responds to my text asking why his butt wants to talk to me so bad = The Captain did not really break up with Captain’s Crystal and they were hanging out.  This is just a hunch.  So I think I have fallen for some trickery.  And I’m ok with it, because you know what I got a steak, a bottle of wine, some custard, and 2 movies out of it.   So all is fair in love and war as long as I’m getting free stuff.

Last night I go to where The Captain and The Captain’s Crystal go to school to see my friend who is in visiting her parents and swing by The Captain’s to get my Captain garb for the weekend.  You all know how this story goes, he looked good, things happened, clothes got ripped, condoms were snapping and babies were made.  That’s how it went in my head.  But what really happened was he got uber pissed off because I told him I couldn’t hang out with him anymore, sober.  Yeah, why I couldn’t just leave it as I can’t hang out with you anymore?  I had to throw in sober. When I’m drunk, of course I’ll come running back for some hot hot lovin’.  So instead of telling me how he really feels he takes it out on the box he’s shoving into my trunk.

About an hour later he calls and I get this voicemail, “Look I’m angry about this because I didn’t just want to have sex with you I wanted to build something with you…” he rambled on and on about how I’m the most awesome person he’s ever met, but you don’t want to hear about that.  The first line is what is pertinent to the rest of the story.   I think this is the first time any guy has ever actually pulled that line on me.  So, he’s 22 (yes, I’m still 25) and he doesn’t just want sex? He must be gay.  It’s all a cover up, this whoooole thing is just so I will go and tell all of our Captain pals about how vagina crazy he is.  Anyway, at the end of the voicemail he yammers on about how he is going to take everything slow because he wants to “get to know me” I think what he really wants is to get to know my boobs.  But, I’ll keep thinking of him as a playa playa and see what else I can conjure up about Mystery Woman and if he really broke up with Captain’s Crystal.  I hope you all know I do this for the blog, and essentially for you.  I don’t love drama so much that I go out looking for it. BAHAHA I almost had myself convinced on that one.  That’s a lie, I love drama.  Bring. It. On.

In other news I got rejected by Gargles Swab.  That means they think I’m a loser in layman’s terms and didn’t give me the job.   I see now why they had to have all that security because I want nothing more than to bust in there right now and demand that they give me $75.  $50 for gas and $25 for emotional suffering.  I think it would hold up in court.  And I bet they would give it to me. Especially when they found me hand cuffed to Josh Duhamel’s desk demanding a good pillaging or money.  I’m not really this big of a whore.  I just like to joke about it.  That’s not true either, I am.  Actually I’m not.  I’m just going to stop.

I missed teen mom last night. So naturally I’m so pissed off today that I want to punch someone’s lights out.  Here’s the thing with having children.  My mom wasn’t a teen mom, she was actually 42 when she had my sister but she did something wrong.  Yesterday my sister pulls me into her room to show me the 5 Justin Bieber posters she hung on her wall

Then my roommate (mom) comes in and tells me that she pretends Justin Bieber is her brother and Selena Gomez is her sister.  I mean, so what the fuck am I? The red headed step child? Guess so! Because then my roommate (mom) tells me that when my sister wakes up in the middle of the night she asks what Justin Bieber is doing and my roommate (mom) says, “Oh he’s in his room playing his guitar.”  And when they went to Khols the other day she was asking if “bubby” could stay in the car.  Personally, I think my mom needs to start checking her backpack for drugs.  Because the kid is on some psychedelics.  And here’s the other thing, if whatever she is on makes her see Justin Bieber, Lucky and I want some.

I’m going to bid you ado with this, my future family portrait.

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16 thoughts on “Captain Single!

  1. katie says:

    “So all is fair in love and war as long as I’m getting free stuff.”

    How right you are.

    And Teen Mom was great. Amber has a new man in her life. I won’t spoil it any further! – katie

  2. WHAT!!!! I missed Teen Mom too…and if Amber can get a man, by God, so can I!!

    FACK!!!

    -L

  3. Melme says:

    I totally need to go out and get me some frozen yogurt…

  4. 36x37 says:

    The picture of the box is priceless.

    This post is too effing funny. I snorted out loud through the whole thing.

  5. Oh shit, somebody better be warming up the toilet seat daddy.

  6. Catherine says:

    LOL – butt dialing can be good for detective work. But I do think you should give yourself credit – perhaps you are awesome enough that he doesn’t just want to have sex with you?

  7. LadyLuck says:

    hilarious! i laughed all the way down, uhm, until i saw that weird family portrait which was just creepy and disturbing.

    why is the dad straddling the grandad?
    why is the pubescent boy on top of his mother?

    But more to the point, why are they all wearing double-denim, i mean WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT?!

  8. simonetv says:

    I like you point on my post. But it it very difficult to communicate because the ones in love does not speak the same language. But yes, you end up with love and laughter.

  9. […] jam, I have Ella running in my room every 5 seconds with her new MP3 player begging me to listen to Bubby’s new song.  I just can’t take it.  I need some silence so that if I want to lay in my bed, […]

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