BUH-BYE Captain!

Guys I think I’m depressed.  I know I’m in a rut, but I think it’s getting worse.  Here’s how my day goes, I wake up around 10 (noon) and realize that I have a few hours before my roommates (mom & sister) get home.  So it’s like panic sets in and I think what do I need/want to do before they get home in 2 hours? Usually it’s laying in my bed doing nothing which is what I do all night too, but its like from the second I wake up the countdown starts of when they’ll be home.  I know this is all because I want to move out RULL bad so that I can come home from work and lounge around and do whatever the eff I want like I did in college.  And I don’t feel comfortable doing that at home, I feel like they’re all looking at me like GAWD look at that lazy sloth, has she even left the house in the past week? The answer is no, I have not.  Actually yes I did, to get taco bell and then it was BACK TO BED! Everybody is like oh you need to be productive BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Productive doing what? I don’t have errands to run.  Looking for jobs? I do that all goddamned day from my bed throne.  I can’t go interview until the people call me, and while they’re not calling me I’m sitting here eating laffy taffys and watching Kardashian and Jersey Shore repeats until I can recite every ooh and ahh in every episode.  Why don’t I get a gym membership and shut my lazy sloth mouth? Because gym memberships cost money and I don’t like to spend money.  Why don’t I get a part time job? I have one, it’s called slanging Captain Morgan!!  But Gizzy, that’s not a real part time job.  YES IT IS! I make $200 a week slanging Captain, which is more then I would make working at some joe schmo retail store.  Then I need to shut up and enjoy my last days of doing nothing before I get a real job and want to kill myself? Oook, I’ll try.

I finally told the Captain to fuck off and die.  Not really, but it’s coming! Yeah ok he was a hot piece of ass but he is an asshole and I’m about 90% sure he’s gay.  Two days ago he was telling me how awesome he thinks I am and how he wants to “get to know me” and not just have sex with me right? And I didn’t buy it and I also didn’t believe that him and Captain’s Crystal had really broken up.  Yesterday morning after Captain’s Crystal’s night o birthday fun I look at her facebook page and see this status:

Had a FANTASTIC BIRTHDAY!! The Captain sure knows how to spoil me! 🙂 Hot Tubs, Massages, Diamonds … what is this world coming to?!?! HAHA – off for Birthday Sushi with Dad! ♥♥

I knew that this was probably the case.  But I think I’m more surprised at the “Hot Tubs, Massages, and DIAMONDS” part, those are not signs of someone who is or has dumped their girlfriend.  AND WTF, DIAMONDS!? No man has ever gotten me diamonds, other than my father, or jewelry for that matter.  I must be horrible in bed.  Tell me, HOW DO I GET DIAMONDS!?!! So in honor of Lucky and single girls everywhere, I’m going to fuck with him 1 last time this weekend when we work together to really reel him in and show that douche WHAT THE FUCK IS UP then, I’m giving him THE FADE! BOOYAH BITCHES!

I really don’t think this jerk-off knows who he is messing with.  I single handedly turned all of Snoop-Linus’ friends against him and recruited them for Team Gizzy when he took Whore #3 on a date.  I have the power of persuasion.

So, I could tell Captain’s Crystal what he’s been up to, but I’m thinking why end the show early? You don’t go to an all you can eat buffet so you can have a salad and leave. If she’s stupid enough to have no clue what her boyfriend is up to when she’s not around he’ll strike again and the next girl probably won’t be as smart as me and get out while the gettin’ is good before it gets too messy, and I can sit back and laugh because I was the one who got away MWHAAHA.  Such a deviant awesomely awesome plan I have here. But what about girl code and she needs to know what he is doing behind her back!!? FUCK girl code, I say.  She wouldn’t leave him anyway.  What I’m thinking about is playing it cool and acting normal until the next time he invites me to do something then I’m going to storm in like a horny beast, rip his clothes off, tie him to the bed, blind fold him, take a picture for the blog and peace the fuck out and leave him there for Captain’s Crystal to find.  Naked and vulnerable.  BAHAH.  For real, I’m sick of guys thinking they can get away with this shit.  So my new official job/title shall be Miss Gisabelle P.I. saving the world one cheating asshole at a time.  Sounds pretty official.

And for old times sake since this will be my 2nd to last post about the Captain (the last one being how I reeled him in, it’s going to be so juicy I can’t wait) I have listed more contributing factors to why he is secretly gay:

-Left me a voicemail saying he was going tanning

-Gets really into cooking, got this text from him after I told him I needed some dinner: it’s all about creation and loving to do it, knowing a lot of tastes. You have to try a lot of nasty stuff in order to make something really good. Kind of like dating.

-He also likes to use analogies.

-He refers to himself as being a mix between new and old fashioned (on getting to know me before he sticks his wien in me)

-He doesn’t take advantage of drunk girls (Why the eff not?)

-He hangs out a little too often alone with his gay best friend and his gay best friend’s boyfriend.  I mean I love me some gays too, but that’s weird right?

So I went from 2 guys, back to no guys this week.  Meeting 100 guys for the 100th post is starting to look better and better.  I hope someone is coming up with a diet and work out plan for us after the 100th post because we are going to have to drink, A LOT, to pull that one off.  We’re also going to need that if we have to eat 100 chocolates.  I did the math to Lucky the other day (I don’t think she was as impressed with my skills as I was) and if we have to eat 100 godiva chocolates we’ll gain about 8 pounds each.  I’d kind of like to try it just so I can see how many chocolates it takes for my body to be on a chocolate overdose before it starts rejecting the chocolates to the point where it literally won’t let me swallow another chocolate.   Maybe we should’ve had an all of the above option on the poll? That would’ve been my vote. I think I’ll do them all anyway, what else do I have to do? It’s just subbing chocolates in for the laffy taffy.  Another day another dollar, no sweat off my back.

I’m also not opposed to giving out The Captain’s phone number for those of you who are into some late night sexting in order to sway your vote toward the option I want for the 100th post.  I mean for realzzzzz, let me know! Maybe you’ll get some pictures like….


So here we say our final goodbyes to the Captain, sianara asshole and a big SU-FI to you!

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12 thoughts on “BUH-BYE Captain!

  1. Love it! Can’t wait to see the Captain squirm this weekend!

    -L

  2. justmarriedgirl says:

    I cannot wait for the last Captain post. What a collossal douche.

  3. katie says:

    I so agree with you about ‘Girl Code.’ She probably wouldn’t even care and/or end up thinking you’re the bitch. Plus, what a gross FB status.

    I can’t wait to read more!!

  4. He sucks so bad it’s a miracle you didn’t get a hickey just being in his presence.

  5. I can’t wait to read what you did to the Capt and he took it. He’s a jerk.

  6. Catherine says:

    Wow, can’t wait to hear the rest. And re: the diamonds, these days I say buy your own diamonds. Who needs a jerk of a man to get you them, save up and treat yourself!

  7. Sorry I haven’t replied to any comments guys! I have been busy chasing The Captain around with rope and a blind fold all weekend in order to proceed with THE PLAN. Thanks for the comments!!
    -Gizzy

  8. […] and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans.  The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon.  I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a […]

  9. […] on the edge of your chairs waiting for me to hop on here and announce that I followed through with The Plan.  I still totes want to do the plan but I honestly don’t know if it’s going to happen. […]

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