You’re canned, Soup.

I would like to apologize for making you all listen to me whine about my shitastic life lately. But then again, this is pretty much why Gizzy & I created this blog. So there.

But today is a new day, and you know what? Something amazingly awesome happened to me yesterday. I was really missing my lappy. I mean, I pretty much live on that thing when I get home from work—I do freelance, write for the bloggy…I’m writing a damn book for cheese’s sake and what’s a writer without her trusty lappy?

Lazy. That’s what.

So I decided to call Dr. Apple, just to check on things. To my surprise, they said lappy had just finished recovery and was ready to be taken home. Woohoo! I was excited to have my computer back, but I was less than thrilled at the estimated price they’d given me—$500. Yeah, I should’ve invested in a new one, but I’ll be jobless in January (a perfect name for a Dear Abby letter) and could use the extra cash.

Anyway, I show up at Apple, give them my claim ticket and they bring me sweet lappy. The guy gives me a form to sign and date, and then says this:

“Well, alright. We are good…you don’t owe us anything.”

You. Don’t. Owe. Us. ANYTHING.

I tried not to look shocked, because I’m nearly certain this is a glitch on their part. I just said, okay thank you, and ran out of there like a fucking criminal. You should see this beautiful thing—they gave me a new screen, a new casing, and a new freaking touchpad and keyboard. For free.

And THAT’s why they call me Lucky.

To celebrate, I bought lappy a new sleeve—a nice, spongy Lacoste one, in navy blue. He really likes it. But he misses foam finger.

But enough about lappy! It’s time I tell you something I’ve been thinking about. Gizzy & I have taken a liking to many-a-blog in the WordPress world. But we particularly enjoy Simply Solo. I like to read her stuff and she gives good advice, not gonna lie. Now, if I’m not mistaken, Simply Solo, err Catherine, is partaking on a “Year of the Yes” journey. I don’t think it’s anything official, or anything, she just wants to try new things and if a guy asks her out, she’ll say yes. Which I think is cool.

Well I know my love life has been in the shitter and frankly, I just need to get over it. But, it’s time I get proactive on love’s ass! And with that, I bring you my very own experiment: The Year of the No.

I know, I know what you’re saying—Lucky, how can you be proactive if you’re saying no all the time? Let me explain. First of all, Catherine, I love you (and no, you don’t have to say it back), but I say yes too much. It’s time I put my foot down. I’m not saying no to dates, but I think once I go on a date I need to say no more.

For example, Gizzy & I have both always answered to boyfriends, or even guys we are just dating. If we couldn’t hang out with them, we’d tell them why, and then feel guilty about it.

Just say no!

Or initiating a phone or text conversation. Just say no!

See how that works? I know you all think I’m crazy. So I wanted to use some tips from one Ms. Patti Stanger—you know, The Millionaire Matchmaker (new season starts soon)? Here is what she says:

****TIME OUT: Literally, after I typed that line up there, the effing power went out in my office building. That was around 8:15. No one, absolutely no one in the office even acknowledged that the power was out, they just left us sitting there with no lights, no computer.

Let me make something clear. I work on a website all day. So you tell me how the fuck I am supposed to get a damn thing done. And by that, I clearly mean this blog entry. So I sat at my desk and read a book for an hour, then I left to go home. I’ve been at home for an hour and they just sent out an e-mail saying the power was back on. Guess who isn’t going back in? THIS girl. Faggots. TIME IN****

1. Make a top 10 non-negotiable list of the things you want in your man.

Patti says to put them in priority, using 4 categories: spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one given. This is something I’ve never done and will probably serve as an entirely new blog entry. I know you can’t wait.

2. Make a plan of action. What are you doing every week to meet your mate?

She says I should go to one event, party or place where eligible men are. Wow, I’m way too lazy for this kind of action.

3. Always date a pair and a spare. You must always date 3 men at a time.

The first man is the front-runner, the second you aren’t sure about, and the third will most likely become a friend. Patti says this will fill up my time to keep my mind off the one I really want {this is where the Year of the No comes into play}. I’ve never dated 3 men at once, so this might take some serious getting used to.

4. Marketing 101…package yourself in a sexy way.

This is easy, right?

5. Smile the 5 second flirt.

When I see a man I like, I’m supposed to smile for 5 seconds, hold the gaze, then look away. If he walks over to me, he’s into it. If not, then he isn’t. Ok, simple simple.

6. Go out alone. Those who travel in packs do not attract.

Patti suggests to go to a male-friendly bar/restaurant, just before 5pm on a weekday, order and drink and an appetizer, a book, and guys will approach me. I have no problem going out to dinner, movies, shopping, etc, alone. But a bar? Damn Patti, you’re really making this tough!

7. Let the man lead and all will be revealed.

This is REALLY what I’m talking about with the Year of the No. I often approach guys at bars, initiate most conversations, etc. It works in the beginning, but not in the long run.

8. Do not sleep with a man unless you are in an exclusive relationship where he has discussed exclusivity/monogamy with you in the sober light of day.

Not to sound like a giant slutbag, but I’ve only done this once in my life. And it still didn’t work out, so I’m going to have to put my va-jay-jay on lock down for awhile {Fratty is excluded because I’m not trying to date him}. Bummer.

9. Be reliable…do not flake. Following through is the key to success.

By this, Patti says to return a man’s call within 48 hours. I return the call in 10 minutes, because that’s how desperate I am. I’m telling you, the Year of the no.

10. Qualify the buyer.

For every 4 questions a man asks me, I’m to ask one. INTERESTING.

11. Do not date a man for more than a year.

Patti says if the marriage talk hasn’t happened by the 9-month mark, let him know calmly about the time table. Don’t bring it up again. On the one-year anniversary, tell him you don’t see eye-to-eye on the future, wish him well and leave. I surely hope this doesn’t happen to me, but damn I like this advice.

12. Do not live with a man prior to marriage.

Agreed.

So, there you have it. Of course, Patti Stanger recently got dumped by her fiance, so I’ll take her advice with a grain of salt. I will keep my eyes open for more advice from other professionals. In the meantime, I need to get working on my top ten list!

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6 thoughts on “You’re canned, Soup.

  1. natasha says:

    I like Patti’s Top 10 – I need to incorporate some of her advice into my life! Gotta tell ya, when you told Catherine that you loved her and no, she didn’t have to say it back – I just about lost it. Had to stop reading right then and call her – that was just to funny. Seriously. I laughed so hard that I had tears running down my face.

  2. Haha! That makes my day! I love it when I can make you guys laugh, for real. But you know, I didn’t want to put any kind of pressure on her. Sounds like she gets it enough from Chef. 😉

    -L

  3. Catherine says:

    LOL! No seriously, literally LOL. My sister reads your blog and called me to tell me you mentioned me – thanks so much! And, “First of all, Catherine, I love you (and no, you don’t have to say it back)” is the like the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I was cracking up so hard in my office that my coworkers asked me what was up. We all know I’m a love Indian giver!! But I love you guys too!  Whew, love is so much easier to say on the Internet than it is to Chef. Haha!

    This post was awesome. A few things that stood out:

    “Jobless in January.” That’s an awesome Dear Abby title. Made me think that you guys should start a Dear Lucky and Gizzy segment where readers can ask for advice. Whatcha think?

    “Or initiating a phone or text conversation. Just say no!” Could not agree more.

    I also agree with a plan of action and making it a point to get out of the house at least once a week (and you have to go somewhere you can meet men). Sports bars are a good place, btw.

    “Let the man lead and all will be revealed.” I agree, me initiating seems to work fine in the beginning … I’m not sure it’s proven to be the best long term strategy.

    I love the Year of No!  Frankly, I’m dating Chef exclusively so I’ve had to put a halt to my Year of Yes (in relation to dating). But I’m still trying to be very open to new experiences and ideas. “Hey Catherine, I wanna go get really drunk tonight and dance like it’s my job. You in?” YES! “Hey Catherine, we’re thinking of jumping off a bridge. Whatcha think?” YES!! Um.. wait. Maybe no. I may have to say no to a few dates (told Chef I would, boo), but I’m still happy to be amidst the Year of Yes. And I can’t wait to watch the Year of No via your blog! 

  4. Wowza! Can I just say, I love this effing blog! Seriously, I LOVE getting comments, especially ones like these! I’m so glad I could make you laugh…out loud!

    I’m soooooo down for a Dear L & G column that it’s not even funny. SO START WRITING: cocktailsattiffnays@gmail.com

    Patti DOES offer some great advice, some of it is really going to be a challenge for me—like getting out once a week where I know guys will be. When did I become so shy?

    I’ll be keeping you posted on further investigating during my Year of the No.

    Thanks Catherine!

    -L

  5. amanalyn says:

    Why haven’t you started a Dear L& G column yet? It would be hilarious!!

    I love your blog!!

    Side note: My power went out while reading this blog, not that it’s interesting or even worth mentioning, but I thought it was funny.

  6. How ironic about the power outage! I am ALL about starting a L&G advice column, I realized I posted our e-mail address wrong up there, it’s really: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

    Apparently I was too excited to type it correctly the first time. To all, send us your questions! Let the party begin 🙂

    Thanks for loving us!!

    -L

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