Does it make me a tool if I looooooveeee full coverage underwear? I’m not talking like full on grannies. I’m talking about boy shorts that cover everything. I just put on a fresh pair and my area is in France and everybody is in bed for the night.
Side note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.” I bet you guys can’t waaaaiiiit to hear what happened. Mwhahaaaaa.
Anyway, back to my underwear. I had a hankering for some Mcdonald’s last night after I saw the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie throws le filet o fish and le big mac at Mr. Big, so I got up out of my bed and went and got me some. When I returned home and was walking through my garage I stepped in something wet and slipped and nearly fell to my death when my ass smacked the ground in my full coverage underwear. It took that for me to realize I had just gone to Mcdonald’s wearing no shoes, no bra, and no pants. After I heard my ass hit the cement I decided it was time to start working out. After I ate my Big Mac and fries. MONOPOLY!
I rolled out of bed in the morning and power walked a 5k. I was pretty proud of myself but I seriously think I was 10 steps away from a heart attack. I only weigh 115 pounds but it’s about 110 pounds of flub. My heart was the little engine that could and it held out but I don’t know what I’m going to do about this. All I can picture is my little heart in my chest with his fists up trying to punch the Hamburgler in the face to fight off the fat and grease but his reach is too short and the Hamburgler wins. And the Hamburgler WINS! If I die of a heart attack I want you to make sure my headstone says EXACTLY this, “To the victor go the spoils, the Hamburgler wins again!”
Now that I am simultaneously writing this blog and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans. The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon. I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a blindfold (t-shirt) to teach The Captain a lesson. We walked in his apartment after work and find Raymundo, The Captain’s asian french speaking roommate, sitting on a bean bag looking like he had no intentions of going anywhere for a while. While The Captain went and changed out of his polar bear costume:
I had a little chitty chat with Raymundo where he told me his plans for the day were to sit infront of the tv and start watching Dexter from season 1. He had rented all 5. Hooray! So I pushed the plan back and told The Captain I had to skeedattle. I didn’t want to do it with Raymundo there because what’s the fun in that if he gets untied 5 minutes after I leave? I probably should’ve just manned up and done it because it’s all only getting more intense, he’s starting to call regularly and want to see me regularly and I am beginning to run out of excuses and he’s not bad at sexting either, anybody wanna see a little word porn? OK! Here’s what he sent me tonight, keep in mind my responses were nothing like his and topped out at an OMG, OH WOW, or yeah that sounds good.
Captain: Do you like soft kisses up your body then my hand grabbing your hair and just… you know.
Captain: What about a massage then soft kisses on your neck and down your back
Captain: Well do you like feathers? Me not touching you blowing feathers up and down your chest then stomach then massage you wherever you want (the feather thing is totes from 40 days and 40 nights, ah Josh Hartnett)
*OK, So right here is where I felt I needed to contribute to the conversation so I said what about whipped cream? Continue…*
Captain: Whipped cream is too sticky, I’ll just lick you. I love to lick even though someone doesn’t like it but I’m good at it just a side note
That’s the sexting bus wheels coming to a fucking stop. You love to lick even though SOMEONE doesn’t like it. He’s going to have to pay another $19.95 if he wants this session to continue. I don’t think so. I replied saying goodnight. Hopefully he gets that next time why not just invite Captain’s Crystal into the conversation so she can add her 2 cents in as well. Christ.
He also sent me a good morning text today and a little treat for you all:
Basically the EXACT same picture as last time only closer, but totally completely different. I mean gosh. But this one is different and borders on pornographic so kids, hide your eyes! BLINDFOLDS!
So I apologize that this was not my last post about The Captain, but it’s coming, hopefully before anything else too crazy happens, Captain’s Crystal just posted on my facebook wall asking me to go out with then tonight. THIS IS JUST MADNESS!! Just hang on to your little pirate hats and we’ll be on our way…
In other boy news I got a friend request on facebook the other day from none other than, are you ready for it ready for it, drumroll please……….
I pondered accepting for a while, because I can still creep on his ugly ass because his profile is open however mine is closed. Did I really want him looking at my pictures? I look good, so why the hell not. I accepted. For the blog. I give the new friend status a week to marinate before I get a text saying, “Hey facebook friend,” mark my words. 1 week. If I have nothing to blog about that day, maybe I’ll respond to stir the drama pot a little. 1 week.
And I got another rejection letter from a company, I’m starting to get really upset:
Thank you for your continued interest in BP and the position of Fart Knocker. We regret to inform you that BP
has decided not to progress with the selection of any candidates for this particular position.
We would like to invite you to apply for other positions that are closely aligned with your qualifications and interests as they arise. To access these opportunities through BP™s website go to
http://www.bp.com/careers. We encourage you to register for job alerts by
creating a Search Agent that will notify you about future opportunities that may be of interest.
Again, thank you for considering BP as a potential employer. We wish you every success with your career.
BP Global Recruitment
So don’t hate me because I applied to BP. I NEED A JOB! I figured that no one else is going to apply there because people want to blow them up so why wouldn’t they hire me? Instead they decide to hire NO ONE. Like, fucking come on!? Give a girl a break. If anyone out there reading this feels sorry enough for me to give me a job in finance email me firstname.lastname@example.org I promise I’m not as big of a sloth as I seem. I’ll relocate!
And that’s where I hit rock bottom. Begging readers for a job.
Well it’s almost time for the Teen Mom repeat, I’ve had 5!!!!! redbulls and I am ready for this hour and a half finale. I cannot wait. So glad I made it out of my teenage years without getting preggers. God bless abstinence and crooked teeth. Amen.
P.S. Welcome back Lappy!