Last night my roommate (mom) made an interesting observation and it got my wheels turning, which doesn’t happen very often. She walked in my room to ask about my latest bout with the police and some speeding tickets I had acquired and failed to mention, but mid conversation she interrupted herself asking very loudly, “ARE YOU EATING BOOBERRY’S AND WATCHING AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?!!!! NO WONDER YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB!” I said, “Mom’s I’m right here you don’t have to yell.” She went on about how when she was 25 she had a 2 year old baby, a mortgage, TWO car payments, and a husband to look after. I simply explained that it was her choice and that I’m sure had she explored her options grandma would have let her live at home into her late 20’s and fed her whatever cereal she fancied. Then she asked if I would be sitting at my dining room table in the mornings eating booberry’s with my kids and watching cartoons. I told her that I imagined I would. I mean I’m sorry, no offense to you people that eat your wheaties and your raisin bran, but what the fuck. When I eat those cereals I may as well be licking cardboard and if I am going to splurge with the cals on something in my day by god it is going to be booberry’s to start my day out right. As I’m finishing up the last few bites of booberry’s and sipping my milk my roommate gets annoyed and grabs my bowl o booberrys out of my hands and takes it to the kitchen. So there I was left with booberry milk drizzle down my chin to tide me over until morning. Now, on to America’s funniest home videos. It’s my favorite show, Lucky hates it, but I think whoever thought of it was genius and it is basically my life goal to be the person in charge of what goes on the show. Imagine this, I’m at my high school reunion sitting at the V.I.P. table eating my booberry’s when my high school crush walks up and asks if he can have some booberry’s I say, “I guess” and snap my fingers at my personal assistant to get him a bowl of booberry’s and he asks what I do and I tell him, “I get paid to watch home videos.” Imagine the things I would see, forget the news. AFV is where you learn things.
This all made me think about how much I have really grown up. Which is not much. I still love spaghettios, lunchables, and fruit snacks. But now I think asparagus tastes alright but I will never think sausage is cool. It looks like a dehydrated turd. Think about that the next time you order a meatlovers pizza, dehydrated turds baked right in! And they’re chewy. How can you sausage lovers live with yourselves?
As you can tell I am searching for everything and anything to blog about because my life is spiraling down the toilet. So, I have decided to share my life goals, which is mostly a list of occupations I would like to have, in no particular order:
1. Host The Price Is Right, Let’s Make A Deal, AND The Family Fued (MULTI-TASKER)
2. Be in charge of picking out background music for Gossip Girl
3. Be Donald Trump
4. Win Miss America
I actually enrolled myself in my alma mater’s Miss America foundation pageant, the winner got to go to the state pageant and the winner of that went on to Miss America. I show up to the call out and the first thing they do is say, “At SHIT U this is not a beauty pageant, we judge solely on your interview and speech.” Take note, if it was a beauty pageant I would have won. Not because I’m so jaw dropping beautiful or anything but my school was 70% male and 30% female and 20% of the females were from foreign countries where they don’t believe in bathing or into agriculture so they all smelled and had personal hygiene problems, we’re talking about cow dung under the nails hygiene problems. IF it was a beauty contest I would’ve been a shoe in but IF it was a beauty contest my competition would have been different. Apparently the other hygienic girls of SHIT U had already gotten this memo so I got up and walked out. I mean seriously they were going to judge me based on what kind of speech I could put together about cow’s with colon cancer rather than how good my boobs look in a bikini, which is what they would be judged on in the next round? NEXT. I should’ve transfered schools right then and there because now I am too old and I feel like I really missed my calling. A girl that had quarter of an inch long hair, black nail polish, and was wearing the earrings that stretch the holes in your ears out is the one who won. I made all my friends go with me to the pageant for my 21st birthday and I sat in the back row and sobbed because not only did she take MY crown that I would have paraded around campus in so gloriously she didn’t even show up to the state pageant and forfeit any chance at Miss America. I also went out to the bars for the first time the night of the pageant wearing a tiara my friends had bought me for my birthday signing autographs and telling people I won Miss SHIT U earlier that day. Yep.
5. Win an Olympic medal for gymnastics (Also now too old and rickety for this)
6. Be a homemaker
7. Be a world renowned surgeon and marry a hot doctor (EXACTLY like on Grey’s Anatomy)
8. Find someone to marry who looks exactly like Josh Duhamel 😦
9. Marry a celebrity
10. Teach every cheating lying asshole in the world A LESSON. mwhahaa
11. Be president.
12. Stop eating old candy out of my purse.
As you can see, I am in serious need of a life coach to pull me out of my childhood la la land (because my goals haven’t changed much since I was 10) and send me back to reality. I honest to god think I am accomplish these goals what with having no background in any of them. I can do it!
Well, tonight I will be traveling back to SHIT U to get my drinky on. Drama to look forward to: The Captain, The Captain’s Crystal, HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON & CO, Merdie, and possibly douchearoo will all be in attendance. Something eventful to spice up my life and yours will surely be happening in t-minus 9 hours. Tick tock!