Lettuce, tomato, sub the gf for mayo.

Every Sunday night I have a writer’s meeting—you might remember last weekend when I mentioned burger guy. He writes with me at the magazine and he also flips burgers. And he is kind of cute. But he flips burgers. And, it’s The year of the No.

Naturally, I wanted to stalk him on Facebook and get the scoop (er, the flip). And what I found was quite disturbing. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he has an ugly girlfriend. Of course he does, right? And I also discovered that he recently turned 24…wamp, wamp, WAMP! Not only did he just turn 24 in September, but for his 24th birthday, he wore a sombrero. And hung out with his girlfriend.

I know what you’re saying—but Lucky, he hasn’t even shown interest, so why do you care? Because I have no life, that’s why. Well, and because, let’s face facts, this Year of the No thing is new. I’m used to going after what I want, persistence, people!

But at last Sunday’s meeting, my editor made a comment about his girlfriend, so he was forced to admit that “Yes, I do have a girlfriend,” right in front of me. So it’s all out in the open now, so he can keep his flirty eyes and funny jokes away from my lady parts.

In other news, remember Townie? Well, even Townie has a girlfriend. Which I naturally discovered through Facebook stalking. He was tagged in a photo that came up on my newsfeed, where there was a girl tagged. I clicked on the girl’s name and her profile picture was of her and Townie, side by side, tailgating. I then notice her and I have one friend in common, aside from Townie—a dyke from high school.

Now, Townie’s new girlfriend isn’t very attractive, but then again, Townie is a huge doucher. I’m not sad, I’m actually quite appalled that Townie found someone needy enough to hang out with him. I wonder if he picks fights with soldiers right when they get back from Iraq in front of his new gf???

Anyway, I’m in a different state of mind now and I need to be focusing on different men. Ones that fall into the categories one Ms. Patti Stanger has set out before me. One of Patti’s assignments, if you recall, was to think of 10 non-negotiable things I want in a man. I’m supposed to put them in priority, using 4 categories—spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one “given.”

So here we go, kids.

Lucky’s Top Ten List for Mr. Right

1. Trustworthy

This is a huge thing for me, as I’m sure it is for most people. But I don’t think any relationship that I’ve had has been honest, so this would rank higher than #1 if that was even possible. I don’t want to have any question in my mind that the person I’m dating is doing what they say they’re doing. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of them cheating, or being untruthful. Now that I want to kill myself…

2. Intelligent

I debated between putting this as number 2 or 3, because they are both so important to me. However, you can’t be a dumbass and get along with me. Now, I’m no genius, and I’m aware of that fact. But I am well-educated, and I like to partake in great conversation. So I expect my boyfriend to be my match, or even, a little bit smarter than me—even if it’s in different areas than I know.

3. Humorous

If a guy doesn’t have a healthy sense of humor, we will never get along. I joke, I’m sarcastic, I say fuck when I meet a person{except important business associates or family}—if a guy can’t laugh at that, then there is no future with us. I love to laugh, I love making people laugh, and I want to be around someone who enjoys my sense of humor, but has one of their own.

4. Kind-hearted

Now, it may seem like I’m just a hard ass, but for those of you who witnessed my emotional downfall with The Has Been Matt McFaggot, you know I have a heart. I am someone who cares deeply for my friends and family. In dating, I want nothing more that to be a part of someone’s life and for them to be a part of mine.

5. Hard-working

Okay, this one is difficult. Of course, I appreciate and want to be around someone who is hard working. Although it seems like I sit around my office with my thumb up my ass all day, I do hustle—working several jobs at once. And that’s been my story for most of my working life. However, as Gizzy has pointed out to me, I tend to be attracted to men who like to work a little TOO much. I call this the daddy syndrome—my dad has always worked hard, but sometimes to the point where his family didn’t see him much because of it. Every guy I’ve seriously dated has put me on the back burner for work. No more!

6. Sexy

If a guy has made it this far down on the list, I would say he’s probably pretty damn sexy. Of course, I could sit here and say I want a guy with a certain hair, eyes, washboard abs, etc. But, that’s not really what I’m looking for. I’ve never even dated anyone that looked like that. For me, it truly is personality first.

Having said that, Fratty looks goooood. So it’s a good thing I’m keeping it light.

7. Family-oriented

This, like hard-working, is a difficult one for me. I want a guy to value family of course, but I also want him to want me to be around his family and be a part of it. I’ve been with guys who never want me to meet their parents {and no, I don’t cuss when I meet the parents} and I’ve been with guys who hang with their families so much they don’t want to hang out with me. I need a balance—someone who values family, wants me to meet their family fairly early in the relationship, but isn’t obsessed with it.

8. Thankful

This is the first time I’ve thought about having a man who is thankful. But in reality, I’m a great girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I look good, I’m smart, and I’m funny—I’m your next wet dream. I’m willing to do all of that with very little in return. But I do want a thank you. A meaningful thank you. If I don’t get that, I won’t do those things anymore. I also notice appreciation other places and for other people. I always say thank you to my waiter, bartender, coworkers, etc., and I notice that in others.

9. Selfless

Rarely do I date a guy who doesn’t think about himself, in more ways than one. Of course, I want a guy who has his own life, which is why I put this toward the bottom of the list. However, it would be nice to know that my guy is thinking about me, even if by just sending me a text message saying so.

10. Spiritual

Gizzy was shocked by this, because I’m not the most spiritual person in the world. But being spiritual is different than being religious. I am spiritual, I do believe in a higher being, but my beliefs aren’t sharpened just yet. But they may be one day, and I want someone who will support me in that. I do not want to date an Athiest.

Welp, there you have it kiddos! My list of needs and wants for Mr. Right. And it’s time we face the truth—John Mayer meets all of those needs and wants. So track him down, bag him up, and send him to my office straight away. Wow, Patti Stanger really DOES know her shit!