Substitute teacher gone wrong

I don’t know what the dealio is but I have had trouble reading/seeing things up close today.  Don’t tell me I need bi-focals at 25.  My life is really going down the shitter.  Not only am I 1 gray hair away from being a grandma I became licensed to be a substitute teacher today.  Which is pretty much on the bottom of my list of occupations I could tolerate along with licking a toilet bowl for cash.  But, not because I hate little kids (which I do) but I find that I get really caught up in trying to make a difference in people lives whose are less fortunate lives than mine (which takes a lot.)  Typically after I leave a restaurant with leftovers I drive around until I can find a homeless person to give them to.  (Read: I did this two weeks ago with leftover bdubs and afterwords I felt bad and beat myself up over it the rest of the night because I forgot to ask for some to go ranch and an iced tea, what kind of person gives a man hot wings with nothing to cool himself off with? Also, the guy I gave them to was in a wheel chair.  Double wammy.) So I think I’ll probably be one of those teachers who is a little bit too involved in her students lives.

I said that my first preference would be to teach high school kids.  I figure I act like one of them so we will probably get along the best.  But, when I say I’ll be too involved I can absolutely see myself pulling half-pubescent hormonal boys aside trying to talk to them about how they shouldn’t treat their girlfriends like shit, “Because yeah, while your girlfriend may be obsessed with Hanson, wear oversized clothing to cover her booberries, and it might be like pulling teeth to get her to put out slash talk to you in public now, later in life she will probably be writing a blog dogging your lame ass, not be afraid to show her booberries in a classy and decent way, and will be rich and famous while you are at home chasing your quadruplet barfing babies around while your wife screams that she needs you to come pull one of them from under her belly roll because her fat arms aren’t long enough to reach it herself and it got stuck while she was trying to feed it with her pancake titty.”

I mean yeah, I’ll totally be the teacher who gets sued for overstepping my boundaries.  Please save your pennies now to bail me out of jail.  I also will not be afraid to treat high schoolers like children if they are going to act like them.  We’re talking, I’m going to sit them in a chair in the corner and write their name on the board.  None of this talking out in the hall in private about what’s right and wrong.  Eff that.  Embarrassment is what will teach these brats a lesson.  I’ll probably get fired after the first day for showing an inappropriate youtube video or something.  They don’t train you on substitute teaching, they just throw you right in and say “Hey if you talk about Jesus, it’s your ass!”

What I really want is to sub for a gym class.  OH YES! There will be no team captain’s and no “picking teams” so someone can get picked last.  I PICK THE TEAMS MOTHER EFFERS. And if they pick on the fat kids and hit them with the balls first in dodgeball/try to make the ball bounce off their flub, they go in time out and it gets announced to the WHOOOLLLEEE GYYMMM. “WALTER IS GOING INTO TIME OUT FOR BEING A BAD BOY. BAD BOY WALTER!”  This is going to be great.  I know you all are just dying to hear my substitute teaching stories already.

The thing is, I feel like I have kind of discriminated after being so all for one and one for all about the whole thing.  I said I didn’t want to teach special ed.  I don’t have anything against it, I hope to be one someday? Have one someday? [Insert whatever is appropriate to say right here.] I just don’t think I have the patience and when I was in high school I had a few special ed kids in my interior design class, and it would make me really nervous when they were on the sewing machines, because they acted like maniacs who were going to throw us all under the needle and sew our mouths and eyelids shut (Buttons was in this class with me, she can tell you, it’s true!)  They would always get in my personal space and talk really close to my face, and that my friends, will cause a Gizzy panic attack.  There have been many a nights when I have gotten physical with people in bars for being too close to my face while looking directly into my eyes.  I don’t know what it is, it makes me feel like they are staring directly into my soul or something, and I’m all AHHHH STRANGERS CAN’T LOOK AT MY SOUL!!!!! Except Kelsey Grammer he is my homeboy, he could totally look into my soul and I wouldn’t freak out.  Kelsey is the man.

Another scary thing other than me substitute teaching is that my head has felt funny all day.  I can’t decide if my eye tightening cream is starting to work or if something is really wrong.  My eyes do feel tight but I feel pretty loopy and I can tell my head is swaying back and forth on it’s own.  I only had 1 glass of wine so I know I’m not drunk.  SEE something is wrong, I totally talked about this already at the beginning of this blog and forgot. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?! Hmm, maybe this is just what it feels like to be sober.  Or maybe it’s just that I have eaten so much shit this week all of the sugar is rushing to my brain.  But the tail pipe on my car did fall off this past weekend and my dad told me that I had to get it fixed or the fumes would back up into my car and get into my lungs and I would die.  Not kidding, I just looked up 10 symptoms of Alzheimer’s.I honestly am worried though, I thought I smelled fumes on my way to get my car fixed today, so I am going to write out my last words:

Guys blow.

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8 thoughts on “Substitute teacher gone wrong

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    Woo hoo. Two booberries in a row. TWO… BOOBERRIES… IN… A… ROW.

    Huh. YEAH.

    Anyhoo… hey, I teach high school kids (although, with the kids I deal with, I have to use the word “teach” very loosely), and for what it’s worth, I think you have the right attitude to be a teacher.

    You just have to give it a few years, and you’ll learn to draw your boundaries. I know my first few years, I got way too involved, and I just started realizing that it was making my life unnecessarily stressful. There’s nothing wrong with a little jadedness, and I think you’ll settle on an amount that works for you.

    And, in case it’s not obvious, don’t let substituting taint your perception of the teaching profession. Subbing is nothing like having your own classroom to, ahem, lord over for an entire year.

    If you decide to do this… good luck! 🙂

  2. YOU —-^ teach?!?! May God have mercy on the souls of our youth.


  3. Lol thanks for the advice Dennis, I am pretty excited to become everyone’s favorite sub.

  4. Thanks for visiting my blog – I hope you’ll be back”

    This was the absolute best part of your post:

    Hilarious! I bet you would have unlimited blogging material as a sub.

  5. cvishy says:


    Thanks for da visit to ma blog.. Saw through your sub teacher post… Intriguing indeed.. I am from that part of the world, where this concept is unheard of… Would love to hear more.

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