The trifecta of advice columns.

Gizzy & I sure hope you bitches are enjoying this week of fun and celebration on your end, because G & I are just using this as an excuse to get sloppity drunk everyday (don’t ask about the other 51 weeks of the year). But in all seriousness, we’ve been hustling and bustling more than the contestants on Project Runway to bring you something we’ve all been hinting about—the Lucky & Gizzy advice column!

But since this week, and this blog, is about making everything bigger, and better, things are about to get HUGE (in a totally awesome, sexy way). Not only will Gizzy & I be offering our sound advice to our dear readers, but so will our favorite white guy: ShyGuy!

We figured our ladies out there, and the guys too, could use perspectives from both ends of the stick (I’ll take ShyGuy’s end, please and thanks).

So here’s the dealio:

First, we need you all to WRITE us! Send us your questions, problems, your biggest life decisions to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

We will read the question, post it on our lovely blog, and solve the world’s problems using the brains of our TRIAD advice writers (ahem, Gizzy, ShyGuy, and yours truly) and of course, add in a dash of funny. Cause that’s how we do.

We want to make it perfectly clear (clear as glass, like LC says) that the questions are completely anonymous. If you don’t give yourself a pen name, we will assign you one and change all the names in the question, just to be sure we’re all protected. K? Protected like the condom protects your eggs from the big bad spermies!

Par Example:

Dear Gizzy, ShyGuy, and Lucky,

Hola! Love you, love your blog, love you more. I keep having these dreams where I speak to previous boyfriends. The conversations are ridiculous and, from what I can remember, pretty meaningless. Often, the conversations end in fights. I never talk to my exes, so I don’t know why they’d be coming up in my dreams in the first place. What do you think they mean, and what can I do to stop the dreams?

Thanks,

Boyfriend Dream Catcher

P.S. I have anal leakage what do I do!!?

——————–

BDC,

First, thanks gf love you more! Second, this problem is easily fixable by an online dream interpreter dictionary.  Since those are basically a bunch of bologna, here’s what I think: you miss your ex and want to talk to him.  Simple as that girlfran’.  The next question is should you talk to your ex? My question for you is why did you break up, if you dumped him sure go ahead and talk to him he’s probably sulking at home with a 6 pack, your glamour shots, and a box of tissues anyway.  But, if he dumped you, you need to go to Mexico.  Like right now.  So that if you call him you get an outrageous phone bill and feel the burn for that stupid decision later so that it never happens again.  Don’t be an idiot!

As for the anal leakage, if you’d like a home solution might I suggest you get some thread and a needle?

XOXO – GIZZY

———

We’re totally aware  that maybe everyone doesn’t have problems they want solved by a couple of drunk lunatics and their all that and a bag of chips guy friend, but if you don’t send us your problems we will start writing our own problems and posting them as the problems of others and I really don’t think anyone wants to see us try and give ourselves advice.  That would cause things to end with a bottle of alcohol and a sad movie.  It probably would end that way no matter what, but it will be less sad if we’re solving your problems, hmmkay?!

It is also at this time that I would luuurrveee to give a shout out to the one and only, our dear friend, and loyal hit getter, Megan Fox.  Only a few days after we started the blog I sat at home one evening striving to get Megan Fox’s Eyebrows and decided to blog about my struggles with the eyebrow pencils from Walgreens. Had we known that nearly 100 posts later the eyebrows post will still be the most popular post we have, we probably would and should create a “Make Me Look Like…[Insert Celebrity Name Here]” segment where we try and make ourselves look as much like a specific celebrity via spray paint, makeup, and minor plastic surgery, because Megan single handedly got us half of our hits.

I guess if we’re giving Megan a shout out we also need to say thanks to those people out there who search penises every day, because they visit us a lot too.  I’m sure they’re pretty upset when they scroll through the posts and see that the only penises we’re blogging about are macaweenies.  Sorry guys or girls, whoever you are.

I feel that it is my duty to share this with the world:

I honestly laughed really hard at this, I hope that doesn’t make me gross, but it probably makes me inappropriate.  I also just send out a mass text to a bunch of people asking them to please not text me because I’m going to watch Raising Hope and would greatly appreciate that it not be interrupted, some of those were guys who have yet to ask me on dates, but I got a lot of responses basically saying you got it asshole.  It saddens me that a fat guy lip syncing to I Kissed a Girl and some white trash peeps raising a baby make my day.  It is what it is. So peace out homies.



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2 thoughts on “The trifecta of advice columns.

  1. Alexia says:

    Hey guys, I just wanted to say a very sarcastic THANK YOU for bringing that video to my attention. That was just wrong, yo.

    When do the polls close for the 100th post thing? Friday? How about ‘Say a Ridiculous Thing to 100 Strangers’? You know, like having to worm a weird word into a conversation, or hell, even a whole sentence.

    Finally, when should we submit questions? I’m quite excited about that one!

    Looove Alexia

    • I haven’t looked at the video and I refuse to—blame Gizzy for that shit. Unfortunately, the polls are closed for the 100th post, but I can assure you, you will NOT be disappointed!!

      As for the questions, umm send them in right now! I’ve already got my Dr. Oz hat on to tackle these beasts. Okay the front says Dr. Oz, the back says Dr. Drew. 😉

      -L

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