Gay Versus Straight. GAY WINS!

Guys, last weekend I had the greatest experience of my adult life.  I’m not talking about an orgasm. I worked at a gay bar and it was FAB-U-LOUS. SO. Gosh I love gay guys.  I have no choice.  I was totally prepared to post this and completely eff up the countdown to 100 week last week, but I refrained at a chance to have an entire week to make this post funny, which probably won’t happen because I’m too excited about it.

Anyway, I was a little hesitant at first, I always love me some gays but it’s the lesbians I wasn’t too sure about.  The only lesbian I have ever been around was Gigi’s friend Emily and she was kind of manly and liked to hug a lot, which is what I found the lesbians at this particular club liked to do too. Lesbians are fine in my book but I did noticed a few things, ok 1 thing:

1. They don’t wear bras.  Ever.

I got hugged by about 10 lesbians and felt squish against my arm instead of the firm support of a bra.  Feeling raw boobs on my arm is like sticking your hand in a pile of dog shit, it was kind of gross.  Not kind of, it was gross.  It wouldn’t matter if it were straight women, I don’t want to feel free balling boobs on my arm, ever.

I have been around a few gay guys in my time, but I usually scare them off because I want to be best friends and they don’t.  I feel like they just look at me so stereotypically because everrrryyyy straight girl wants a gay best friend and they are tired of it.  But, I walked in the bar and was instantly greeted and made to feel welcome- since I’m obvi straight and was mesmerized by all of the rainbow stuff around me and gays playing with my hair the second I walked in the door, I was like a moving target.  Normally, when I walk into a bar ran by straight men they’re drunk and cat calling me, “EYOH CROWN GIRL COMMERE” versus gay guy, “OMG hunny I LOOOOVEEEE your outfit come over here and take a picture with me!!!” Here I would like to introduce a little segment where I call gay versus straight to prove why I hope the next President of The United States is a gay man willing to make me First Fag Hag.

The Straight Guy Says, “You’re looking pretty hot can I get your number so we can bang one out tonight?”

The Gay Guy already put his number in my phone so we can go shopping and grab some margs tomorrow and is now looking through my contacts telling me stories about every guy he has hooked up with named Andrew.

The Straight Guy stares at my cleavage in a non-chalant and totally obvious way.

The Gay Guy plays the bongos on my boobs and giggles.

The Straight Guy tries to get me to come back to his apartment so he can use me to get some ass.

The Gay Guy tries to get me to come back to his apartment so we can cuddle and watch When Harry Met Sally.

Anyway, you get my drift.  But here I am at a gay club where there is a co-ed bathroom with a bed in it wearing lime green booty shorts that say “Bite Me” on the ass feeling like I have just entered into some magical land of fairy’s I never knew existed.  The manager shows me to the back where we can change and get set up.  The back happens to be the dressing room for the Drag Queens and they are in hair and make-up before their 11 o’clock show.  Amazingly amazing, if I can use 2 words to sum it up.  If I didn’t have bills to pay I would have quit my job so I didn’t have to work and could’ve sat there and watched them paint their make up on all night long. I haven’t ever been around Drag Queens but they pretty much put the Kim in my Kardashian.  Blah blah blah we do the promo, I give a gay guy my number and ask him to be my new BFF, here we are enjoying each others company:


And here is Katie with him and his boyfriend:


Well then I’m in the dressing room closing up shop when an 8 foot tall Drag Queen walks past me.  You would think I saw God.  I mean with the hair and the heels and the OMG I’m not even kidding, she was 2 inches from the ceiling.   She walks past me and literally in the deepest voice I have ever heard out of  any man says, “Hi hunny, how ya doin? I’m Asia, pick ya mouth up offa the flooa (floor) doll and unzip me I’m exhawsted (exhausted.)” I felt like I was in Vegas and had just been given an all access pass to the greatest Drag show of all time. Here’s a picture I found online of her, just to give you some kind of indication of what it was like for a 5 foot 4 inch me wearing lime green chucks and knee high socks to be standing next to this God like person:


I mean the other lady is as tall as the guys right? She’s probably 5’10/6 foot.  If this gives you ANY idea I mean, christ, she was at least 2 feet taller than me.  I came up to about the bottom of her boob.  So after I unzip Asia and run around of the room because while yes I am 25 but I am no where near old enough to see a naked Drag Queen changing into a prom dress and head dress.

We wrap up and after the manager saw how star struck I was by the Drag Queens he asks me to follow him and takes me into the room where the show is going on.  Then I got a shout out and got pulled on stage, “Oa look at this here cutie patootie in her bite me shawts, here hunny, turn around and bend over, oh not that far hunny you’re not a man we’re looking to pillage.” Apparently, this was the funniest joke the gays had ever heard and the crowd roared, this is all a blur and I don’t remember any of it, it’s just what Katie tells me happened because I blacked out during my 15 minutes of gay fame.

Now that the Drag Queen shock has worn off a little and I have all of my pictures to flip through to cherish those memories by.  Memories…nothing more than, memories…


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10 thoughts on “Gay Versus Straight. GAY WINS!

  1. Catherine says:

    This looks like so much fun! I too love the gays. I have always wanted a gay best friend. I do agree, however, that gay guys are over it. They do not want us to stalk them for their friendship anymore. Damned Will & Grace ruined it for the rest of us.

    Looks like you had a blast! Color me jealous 🙂

  2. Alexia says:

    Yay for gays! I was rather delighted when I found out my ex is gay. I feel like it gave me an eternal ticket to fag-hag-ville. I don’t feel pathetic when I want to be one now. I’m all like, ‘Oh but my ex is a homo’.
    Score.
    I HAVE GREAT TASTE IN MEN.

    • I have a gay ex, too. And of course everyone pulls the ignorant card and says, “you turned someone gay?”

      Then I get all Lady Gaga on they ass, put my fist in the air, throw my head back and shout, “WE WERE BORN THIS WAY!!”

      -L

    • I remember Lucky always had suspicion that her gay ex was gay, did you know or was it a complete surprise?!
      -Gizzy

      • Alexia says:

        We were best buddies for 5 months before I finally came around (yes, really) and every now and then I would be all, ‘Are you SURE you’re not gay?’. Anyhoosies, I dump his ass in Vietnam and it’s all very argh. About 8 months later he calls me and says, ‘I’ve met someone’.
        ‘Bitch’, I thought. Then, ‘Bastard. It’s my god damn birthday’. But when he said the name Sean, I was all, ‘SWEEEEET.’

        I AM THE LAST WOMAN HE EVER LOVED.
        Totally respecting myself right now.

  3. amanalynn says:

    I love this post! I also love gays!! A few weekends ago I was doing a promo in a bright blue dress that was really not flattering at all and felt disgusting, a really attractive gay man came up to me and said “Honey, you look fabulous in that colour. Rock it girl!” and I felt so good all night!!
    And I also have a gay ex… it’s too bad I’m not good at being friends with my exes, that could have been my chance at a gay BFF!!

    • Ohhh you should’ve taken the chance while you had it! I pretty much forced this guy to be my friend and now he is giving me the fade and not responding to any of my “let me go out with you and your gays!!!” texts. But! You do promos too? AHH!! I feel like someone can finally feel my pain, sometime this week or next I’m going to be doing a post on “Promo Girl Politics” hahah.
      -Gizzy

  4. Alexia – At least you can say you’re the last woman he ever loved. That’s saying a lot, and that you know it wasn’t you. But that whole story has book/movie written all over it, I love “I broke up with him in Vietnam” like it’s nbd haha
    -Gizzy

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