Love is really nothing.

It seems like ole Giz and I are slacking in the 100 guys department, right? Well, I refuse to admit that we maaaayyy have bit off a little more than we can chew. I mean the 100 guys thing WILL happen, but we’ve got to get out of this little funk we’re in. So, for the record, I met two guys this weekend—meet #5 and #6:

#5

Age: 32

Description: tall, dark hair, very outgoing.

Fun fact: loves to drink dark liquors and kept pouring me Jager shots. A total “W” in my book—he passed out pretty early in the night. We’re talking before 9 p.m. early.

#6

Age: 21

Description: average height, light brown hair, very thin, has a girlfriend. Ugh.

Fun fact: he was drunk for our entire conversation and kept thanking me for not being rude. Awesome, dude!

Since Gizzy mentioned her horrible blind dates yesterday, it got me thinking about blind dates I’ve been on. Truth be told, I’ve only been on one blind date in my life and it was bad enough to turn me away from them FOREVER.

My roommate in college set me up with this guy…I honestly can’t remember his real name, so we’ll call him Letter-Jacket. My roommate, who was a total whorehouse, went to high school with Letter-Jacket and gave me his screen name so we could “chat”—I swear AOL messenger was cool my freshman year of college. His screenname was something to do with soccer and she gave me his senior picture which he was wearing, you guessed it, his letter jacket, kneeling over a soccer ball.

We did the usual and talked about stupid shit online and he said he wanted to take me to dinner. I said it would be okay, and he drove into town that weekend—he lived nearly two hours away from my school. On the day of the date, my roommate was out of town and I was completely dreading dinner. Since he had no clue what I looked like, I secretly wished I could just stand him up, go about with my normal evening activities, and be on my way.

But this was before I became a total bitch and figured my roommate would find out and be pissed at me (something I definitely shouldn’t have given a shit about). So I met him outside my dorm room and we got in his truck.

Red flag number 1. I hate it when a guy drives a truck. Call me stuck up, but I think it’s completely hilljack. Then, he turns on his car, to reveal that he’s listening to some Johnny Lang—a singer I told him I loved.

Red flad number 2. Be your own person. He didn’t like Johnny Lang, he was just being a faggot.

So we drive to this Mexican restaurant and he asks if I’m hungry. I tell him a little…and we sit down. As usual, I indulge in the free chips and salsa on the table. To which he says, “I thought you said you weren’t hungry?”

Excuse me? I absolutely hate it when a guy says something about a girl’s eating habits—whether big or small, keep your fucking mouth shut. I said nothing, and proceeded to order the biggest, cheesiest, fucking platter on the menu.

After that, he wanted to see a movie. Not just any movie, Love Actually. Where he tried to hold my hand. Hell to the No.

After the movie, he was obviously having an awesome time, so he wanted to go to the bars. I told him no, that I was done, and he took me home. I never talked to him, or saw him, again.

Sigh.

On the note of my dating failures, I wanted to share with you the abundance of online dating e-mails I’ve been getting. I know everyone gets them, but I feel like I get an overwhelming number. Let’s take a look:

Jazzed Online Singles: A dating site for real people and real connections.

The site wouldn’t let me go anywhere without signing up, and hell no am I doing that. Anyone a member here?? Admit it. I pray to sweet God that it’s a place for people who like jazz music.

Sexy Single Asians: Meet single Asians in your area.

Umm I don’t know much about Asians, as I’m not one (Dennis this is totally your area, right), but I know they aren’t considered furniture. Yep, this website directed me to a “furniture” listing of MORE dating sites—100% free dating site, Asian dating, Dating Asian women, Free dating site, Asian women look for men, Marry cute Asian women, Millionaire dating site, Asian dating site.

Match.com: Get the 6 month guarantee!

Hmmm yeah, from what I could see, it was a bunch of uglies. And anyone I’ve known who has signed up on Match hasn’t found love in 6 months.

Love Dating: Love plus affection just a click away

Okay, so we all want love and affection, right? Well what this sight fails to acknowledge (in the beginning) is that it’s a “Big and Beautiful” dating site. Another list of dating sites including Black women peronals, Speed dating, Singles photos and profiles, Sugar daddy online dating, Covergirl black beauty, and Big and beautiful singles.

Meet Fun Latino Singles: Meet Latino singles for friendship, dating, romance and more

And more? Ew.

50 Plus Online Dating: Date singles over 50 in your area

Well, I’m not fucking 50. But for this blog, of course, I browsed the old farts. And it made me feel disgusting. I took a long shower afterward, using bleach instead of soap.

Christian Singles Online: Single Christians, find your true love

For some reason, I don’t think this site is going to do me any good.

Russian Dating Site: Date a Russian beauty

I’m pretty sure this site, Anatasiadate.com, is a fucking mail-order-bride site. This seemed waaaay too much like something Fatso would be into, so I deleted all of my e-mails, threw up and slammed my computer shut.

I mean come on, I know I can get a little despie at times (ahem, The Has Been Matt McFaggot, my Disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex), but DAMN!

I’ve got the gasoline, now who’s bringing the karosine to this partay?

…Oh yeah, just to add a little fuel to this fire, me, ShyGuy, and Giz are patiently waiting on you to e-mail us your life questions! So do it!!!! cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

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11 thoughts on “Love is really nothing.

  1. Teri says:

    I have never seen “douchebag” used as a tag, but it sounds like it truly applied here. LOL I am still laughing…

  2. Ha! We use that, and many more Klassy words, as tags here—just trying to be real. Glad it made you laugh! Thanks for reading…and commenting!

    -Lucky

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    Ha… umm, thanks? But, nice try. Unfortunately, and ever so ironically, Asians are not my area of expertise:

    http://www.musingsonlifeandlove.com/2010/08/09/i-date-outside-my-race-because-my-race-wont-date-me/

    I have a feeling I’d fail miserably on that site….

  4. I’ve read your blog. I was just fucking around.

    -L

  5. Melissa says:

    “Christian Singles Online: Single Christians, find your true love

    For some reason, I don’t think this site is going to do me any good.”

    I just fucking cackled out loud at work and now have tears from laughing. Srsly.

    Match is pretty funny. I have a post coming later today about some of the funnies so far.

    I love you girls.

  6. how about jdate.com? meet the jewish love of your life…

    I have also come across a dating website for chub lovers & indian mail order brides

    or ashleymadison.com married couples who just are “lacking” something in their marriage and are looking for “companionship”

    your no better off then searching for love on craigslist.com

    • Oooh yeah, ashleymadison.com! I signed up for that one under an alias and I think as a lesbian, and uploaded a bunch of fake pictures because when I saw it I thought, “ooooo affairs, sounds saucy,” Just to see what it was all about. Yes I am serious, and no one should judge me. I get bored.
      -Gizzy

  7. Geez…sounds like a bunch of sick fucks to me. I’m just going to stick with my original plan of being asexual.

    -L

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