I was sitting in my bed this evening debating shaving my legs when I thought about the very first time I shaved my legs, other than with shaving cream and a blade-less razor. When I was in 5th grade I had my mother convinced that I was going to be JTT’s (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) new girlfriend, she let me shave my legs for him. If my daughter was going to marry a celebrity I’d let her be a prostitute too.
After all, he was coming to the local mall to sign autographs and meet the fans and I was convinced I was going to be Mrs. JTT at the ripe old age of 11, one look at me and he’d be down on one knee what with my large and in charge glasses, crooked teeth, I only washed my hair once a week so I wore it in a slicked back pony tail, baggy clothes how could he not? If it weren’t for my huge knockers at age 10 people would’ve thought I was a boy, what wasn’t to love? JTT loves huge knockers. This got me thinking, none of my old crushes are still in the spotlight and I wonder if I could have a decent chance with any of them now. My knockers are still huge. So I decided to research a little to figure out where are they now?!
JTT – Jonathan Taylor Thomas – In his prime during home improvement
JTT – Now
He guest stars on CW programs, smokes marlboro reds, is rumored to be dead and/or attends Columbia University. I think I would have a decent shot if he didn’t look like my cousin and smoke that diesel, at least get the menthol for the ladies. RIP JTT.
Nicole Eggert and David Charvet – Baywatch
From 2nd to about 7th grade I had a weird obsession with Baywatch. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was always a lifeguard. I constantly was looking for red bathing suits to buy in the store and I even found a buoy like the ones they carried around. I had a poster of David Charvet with no shirt on while leaning up against a brick wall staring out into space hanging up on my wall as well as an autographed poster of Pamela Anderson in her Baywatch swimsuit. I think I quit liking Baywatch and decided it was time to get a life when my mom walked in on me making out with my David Charvet poster. I always liked Nicole Eggert though, she was David Charvet’s girlfriend on the show and they were the epitome of a couple to me. Where are they now?
David Charvet is married to Brooke Burke and they have 18 kids. You did good David, you did REAL good.
Pretty sure I saw her on an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, she was considering representing mams Kardashian’s QuickTrim dietary supplement. It’s cool guys, I’ll email Nicole and let her know that she needs to use the QuickTrim if she wants to represent them – or be my friend.
Zac Hanson – From the greatest band to ever exist… Hanson. Then…
I was obsessed with Hanson for a solid 4 years. I first started liking them in 6th grade when I was 11. For the first few years I think I was confused about whether I was in love with Zac Hanson or if I actually wanted to be Zac Hanson. I’m leaning toward the latter. I wore my hair straight, started wearing addidas shirts and doc martens, I even took up playing the drums. Christ almighty. I met Zac once in Cincinnati, Ohio at a water park. Actually, he was at the water park after the concert and I was lingering around the parking lot hoping to catch a glimpse of the bus. BUT, once I saw him I ran over to the fence and he touched my hand. I basically wanted to kill myself when he didn’t ask me to be his GF but it’s whatevs I guess.
He’s married and has some young ones running around, but that’s just talk to me.
Dear Zac Hanson,
If you are reading this and are interested in mmmboping me please DO NOT HESITATE TO WRITE. I don’t even care if you know my name, just know my number… and maybe my bra size. K toots mgoots. Love you long time, Gizzy
Anywho, they’re still making glorious music. I haven’t seen them in concert in a few years but I will this year and I’m going to date rape drug him.
Next would be the one and only Andrew Keegan, then…
HAHA… I don’t even remember what he was on. Full House, Step-By-Step and god knows what else. This is just embarrassing. Now…
There are some allegations that he beat up his ex-girlfriend. He won the trial but I still think I’ll pass.
I found a guy my sophomore year in college that resembled Josh Hartnett. Basically they were twinsies, of course I found him in a bar and went home with him, no sex though. 6 months later I was in a relationship with his best friend, also known as the one and only douchearoo.
Come on, I’m classy.