Happy Holidays, you’re divorced!

Please tell me I’m not the only one devastated over Eve Longoria and Tony Parker getting a divorce?! What the hell? In fact, I’m so upset over it, I stayed home from work today. Just kidding, believe it or not, my boss gave me a comp-day because of all my hard work lately.

HA!

Anyway, back to Longoria and Parker. I mean, she is like the hottest old lady ever. So if she doesn’t stand a chance, who does?! According to my MTV News alert, it all started with some rumors that Parker was cheating (argh! bastard!), so Longoria filed for divorce. THEN, Parker gave her a little shocker (not the good kind) by also filing. I don’t understand how this works, but whatever.

Apparently it has something to do with their prenup, but if Parker cheated, then I’m certain he violated the prenup (where is Gizzy, the lawyer here).

In other news, I’m traveling to meet up with Buttons and Gizzy this Turkey Day, a usual tradition. Most people are shocked to find I don’t spend this beloved holiday with my family, and am with my friends instead. Not to get all emo on you, but in the last few years, I’ve learned my friends really are my family, and my family pretty much sucks.

So Thursday morning, I’ll be flying out, on my way across the country at 6 am. This is my preferred Turkey Day flight time, because I want to get there in time to eat as much as I can. Of course.

But this year, I’m fretting a little bit over all this drama the TSA has caused. Now, I’m all about airport and airplane safety. Like most people, I’m not ready for my life to end and I’ll be damned if it ends because of some pysho with a lighter wearing bomb-panties.

I am always cooperative, I try to hurry and put my things in the bins and remove my shoes and coat, etc. But I hate it when the TSA presents me with these fucktard rules. Ahem, the liquids rule. I understand someone blew up a plane this way or something. But limiting my liquids to a ziplock bag doesn’t prevent shit. Unless of course, there is some kind of technology that seals the ziplock once the wheels pick up and then releases the seal once we are back on the ground.

Which is not the case. Therefore, I could still stuff enough damage into my ziplock to take care of things. And NO I’m not a terrorist. I’m simply saying that some of these rules don’t make sense. Just say no liquids.

I am usually accused of having a fake laptop. Even though it goes through the scanner, they always ask me if it’s fake.

WELL OFFICER, LETS TURN IT ON AND FIND OUT, SHALL WE?

Like yes, I shaped a giant brick of coke to look like an Apple laptop (complete with logo). Christ.

I understand we have to go through these measures, but while you’re accusing me of having a fake computer, someone is shipping printer explosives. Priorities, people!

So now, there’s all this hooplah over the scanning machines and pat-downs. Really? I don’t give a shit. You want to see me naked? I’ll get on the plane wearing nothing, I really don’t care. You want to feel me up with the front of your hand, go for it, because I haven’t gotten ass in six weeks, feel free to pinch a nip while you’re at it.

Just as during sex, as long as you don’t shove anything up my ass, I’ll be fine.

This morning, I haeard TSA was banning underwire bras, which sent me into a frenzy. What other kind of bras are there? My boobs are huge, there is no way I can go without an underwire and I refuse to! So, I looked up the prohibited items on the TSA website, just to be sure.

Here are some of the prohibited items:

Box cutters, ice picks, knives, meat cleavers, swords, baseball bats, hockey sticks, bows and arrows, cattle prods, throwing stars, fireworks, tear gas, and snow globes (among many others).

I mean really. The scary thing is, you know they created these lists because some jacktard showed up on a plane with a cattle prod, on his way to Texas. Geez.

Anyway, I’m not going to refuse the body scan, and I pray to the glitter Mary that I won’t have to be pulled aside for a pat down, simply because of the horror stories I’ve heard (see: prosthetic breast, colostomy bag).

I’m thinking of just showing up naked, thoughts?

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13 thoughts on “Happy Holidays, you’re divorced!

  1. Prius Envy says:

    Just show up nakie. In the SLC a little kid was patted down and his dad got so frustrated he just took off the kid’s shirt. Maybe you should do a little preemptive stripping. The TSA will love it.

    Also, I love turning Thanksgiving into a friend and not family holiday. I love my family, but invite as many friends as possible over, too, because really, they’re who I’m thankful for. Let’s just all meet up for turkey and booze, yes?

    Le sigh. If Tony cheated on her – we’re all screwed. She’s perfect. But dude, all professional athletes cheat – even if you’re Eva Longoria. Sad, but true.

    Super jealous of your comp day,
    Bridget and the Girls with Prius Envy

    • I heard about the kid/dad situation, so crazy! The only answer is to show up naked.

      My comp day was amazing, although I still had deadlines to meet–watching daytime tv (The Price is Right, Justin Timberlake on Ellen) made it all okay!

      -L

      • Prius Envy says:

        I have a theory that the only pro athlete who doesn’t cheat is Drew Brees. When he eventually cheats, I’m going to be really disappointed.

        Also, we have a sorority sister who won $20,000 on the Price is Right. She’s a total bitch and didn’t deserve it.

        -Bianca

  2. ashleeekaren says:

    I have one of those Sonicare toothbrushes. As I was passing through security it started to vibrate and the stupid thing sounded like a sex toy. I was mortified, and when my friend shouted, “Hey Ashleee, why did you bring your vibrator on the trip?!” I wanted to jump inside the x-ran screen and never come out. AWE-SOME.

  3. ashleeekaren says:

    Depends on what the guy looks like…plus a TSA guy wouldn’t do it for me. Maybe you’ll get lucky and the federal marshalls will be there. They’ve got good jobs and govt. benefits… 😉

  4. Alexia says:

    “Just as during sex, as long as you don’t shove anything up my ass, I’ll be fine.”- hahahaha! (That was me laughing out loud).

    Oh wait, the first thing I wanted to say wasn’t that at all, it was: NOOOOO!! They’re breaking up?! But she’s adorable!

    I deleted someone from Facebook recently because he’d put this as his status: Behind every beautiful woman is a guy who’s bored of fucking her.

    I think knowing that even the most gorgeous/ successful women in the world get fucked over spells out hope for us though. It means that
    (a) Men are undoubtedly idiotic, and
    (b) It’s not us. See Point A.

  5. LUCKY! Put your cattle prod back in the drawer, you’ll just have to buy a new one when we get to Disney World.

    Also no one will believe it but Lucky. I, Gizzy Gizzerton, was on the Price Is Right. YEP! I’m famous. Ok, so I was in the front row of the audience. Samesies.
    -Gizzy

  6. I can’t believe I can’t bring my ice pick on a flight. The ice in the drinks is always too big.

    Maybe be naked under a trenchcoat. It’s chilly.

  7. Melissa says:

    haha! this whole post had me rolling.
    I am totally with you on friends being true family. We all try to have another turkey day on friday while watching football. I love my fam, but my friends make my world spin.
    and I want to go fly just so the tsa will grope me. AND there are already so many pictures of my boobs out there in the world… what’s one more? I mean, really?

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