Please tell me I’m not the only one devastated over Eve Longoria and Tony Parker getting a divorce?! What the hell? In fact, I’m so upset over it, I stayed home from work today. Just kidding, believe it or not, my boss gave me a comp-day because of all my hard work lately.
Anyway, back to Longoria and Parker. I mean, she is like the hottest old lady ever. So if she doesn’t stand a chance, who does?! According to my MTV News alert, it all started with some rumors that Parker was cheating (argh! bastard!), so Longoria filed for divorce. THEN, Parker gave her a little shocker (not the good kind) by also filing. I don’t understand how this works, but whatever.
Apparently it has something to do with their prenup, but if Parker cheated, then I’m certain he violated the prenup (where is Gizzy, the lawyer here).
In other news, I’m traveling to meet up with Buttons and Gizzy this Turkey Day, a usual tradition. Most people are shocked to find I don’t spend this beloved holiday with my family, and am with my friends instead. Not to get all emo on you, but in the last few years, I’ve learned my friends really are my family, and my family pretty much sucks.
So Thursday morning, I’ll be flying out, on my way across the country at 6 am. This is my preferred Turkey Day flight time, because I want to get there in time to eat as much as I can. Of course.
But this year, I’m fretting a little bit over all this drama the TSA has caused. Now, I’m all about airport and airplane safety. Like most people, I’m not ready for my life to end and I’ll be damned if it ends because of some pysho with a lighter wearing bomb-panties.
I am always cooperative, I try to hurry and put my things in the bins and remove my shoes and coat, etc. But I hate it when the TSA presents me with these fucktard rules. Ahem, the liquids rule. I understand someone blew up a plane this way or something. But limiting my liquids to a ziplock bag doesn’t prevent shit. Unless of course, there is some kind of technology that seals the ziplock once the wheels pick up and then releases the seal once we are back on the ground.
Which is not the case. Therefore, I could still stuff enough damage into my ziplock to take care of things. And NO I’m not a terrorist. I’m simply saying that some of these rules don’t make sense. Just say no liquids.
I am usually accused of having a fake laptop. Even though it goes through the scanner, they always ask me if it’s fake.
WELL OFFICER, LETS TURN IT ON AND FIND OUT, SHALL WE?
Like yes, I shaped a giant brick of coke to look like an Apple laptop (complete with logo). Christ.
I understand we have to go through these measures, but while you’re accusing me of having a fake computer, someone is shipping printer explosives. Priorities, people!
So now, there’s all this hooplah over the scanning machines and pat-downs. Really? I don’t give a shit. You want to see me naked? I’ll get on the plane wearing nothing, I really don’t care. You want to feel me up with the front of your hand, go for it, because I haven’t gotten ass in six weeks, feel free to pinch a nip while you’re at it.
Just as during sex, as long as you don’t shove anything up my ass, I’ll be fine.
This morning, I haeard TSA was banning underwire bras, which sent me into a frenzy. What other kind of bras are there? My boobs are huge, there is no way I can go without an underwire and I refuse to! So, I looked up the prohibited items on the TSA website, just to be sure.
Here are some of the prohibited items:
Box cutters, ice picks, knives, meat cleavers, swords, baseball bats, hockey sticks, bows and arrows, cattle prods, throwing stars, fireworks, tear gas, and snow globes (among many others).
I mean really. The scary thing is, you know they created these lists because some jacktard showed up on a plane with a cattle prod, on his way to Texas. Geez.
Anyway, I’m not going to refuse the body scan, and I pray to the glitter Mary that I won’t have to be pulled aside for a pat down, simply because of the horror stories I’ve heard (see: prosthetic breast, colostomy bag).
I’m thinking of just showing up naked, thoughts?