I hate Oprah.
There. Now that I’ve single-handedly lost 75% of our readership, I’ll continue. That’s right, I hate Oprah. And you know what else I hate? When people tell me I don’t or I shouldn’t hate something. Guess what, asshole? I can and I will HATE everything and everyone that I damn well please, okay? Go ahead and hate me for it and see if I give I flying fuck.
See how much Oprah gets me worked?
For the most part, I’ve always hated Oprah. I don’t think she’s done much more than most celebrities have for society or the general well-being of this earth, so I don’t get why everyone makes such a big stink about it.
I hate that she calls herself a journalist, when she isn’t. That recent college grad in her office eating dried nuts for lunch and pulling all-nighters to get sources for stories? She’s a journalist. Oprah reads the notes and tells the story. She doesn’t do the grunt work.
I hate it when Oprah, along with most celebrities, remind us just how ridiculously lavish their lives are. I don’t need to be reminded that you live in a mansion, do no actual work, and have a staff to sit on the toilet for you.
On my nice comp day Monday, I caught the end of Oprah’s Ultimate Favorite Things episode, which is what brought my rage to fruition…before I took it out on Gizzy. But hey, let’s take a look at Oprah’s Favorite Things, shall we? Because we all know every stay-at-home mom in this country already has them all shoved up her ass, since no one can think for themselves and discover their own favorite things:
- Andre Walker Hair Care products [$65]
- iPad by Apple [$500]
- Sparkles UGG boots [$175]
- Sophia Satchel by Coach [$398]
- Magaschoni Embellished Tunic & Leggings [$560]
- Philosophy Hope in a Jar [$105]
- Nordstrom Lingerie [$1,000]
- Prepara Herb Saver [$30]
- Centerville Chicken Pie [$20]
- Garrett’s Popcorn [$135)
- Le Creuset Cookware [$599]
- Miraclebody Jeans by Miraclesuit [$110]
- Sophie Jewelry Box from Pottery Barn [$179]
- Jessica Leigh Diamond Earrings [$1,900]
- Mini Croissants from Williams-Sonoma [$40]
- Talbot Teas [$150]
- The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo [$19]
- Illuminations by Josh Groban [$13]
- Let it be Me by Johnny Mathis [$12]
- 2010 VW Beetle [$First Born Child]
- Baker’s Edge Baking Pans [$35]
- Beecher’s Mac ‘N Cheese [$30]
- Breville Panini Press [$100]
- Cashmere sweater & throw by Ralph Lauren [$1,100]
- Decoded by Jay-Z [$35]
- Elfa Closet System [$1,000]
- 5-year Netflix Membership [$600]
- Judith Ripka Eclipse Earrings [$525]
- Kyocera Ceramic Cutlery [$75]
- Philip Stein Oprah Watch [$2,500]
- Lafco House and Home Candle [$55]
- Lululemon Pants [$98]
- Nike Free Run Shoes [$85]
- Nikon Digital Camera [$700]
- Royal Caribbean Allure of the Seas 7-Day Cruise [$ Second Born Child]
- Season 25 Oprah Shirt [$38]
- Sony Bravia HDTV with 3-D [$3,600]
- The Beginning by the Black Eyed Peas [$18]
- Tory Tote, Ballerina Flats by Tory Burch [$450]
- A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson [$25]
Grand total: $42,364 [I added $25,000 for the car, and $1000 for the cruise]
Hey Oprah, how many moms do you know that would be able to spend that kind of cash on diamond earrings, ballet flats and cheese popcorn? And yeah, I’m not a fucktard, I know Oprah gave all of that shit away for free 100 times over.
But let’s get real. Oprah knows she can sell everything that comes out of her mouth, so why is she telling America to get over-priced Mac ‘n Cheese, sweat pants and panini presses? Sort of like when she gave out those free lunches at KFC. Why not promote something a little healthier? Oprah should’ve put salad kits, ex-lax, and toothpaste on her list of favorites.
On the other hand, we all know Oprah doesn’t work out. So why is she trying to trick us all by saying she JUST LOVVVVEESSSSS NIKE SSHOOOOEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And what about the WEIGHT. LOSS. BOOOOOOKKKK!!!!!!! She can’t read anyway.
Oprah, you’re fat. Which I don’t understand because she has a personal chef and probably a personal trainer that probably make eight times as much as me to shove mini croissants down her throat and tell her she is AWE-SUM!!!!!!!!!!!
And really, Oprah? Of course, YOU would promote an Oprah watch, an Oprah t-shirt, and then go write a column for your magazine that has your own fucking picture on the cover every month! Seriously!!
The cutlery, the herb-saver, the tv. I just don’t get it. You don’t chop your own food Oprah. You don’t save your own herbs. And you don’t watch TV. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK!?!??!?!
I need to go punch someone in the face.