Pardon our absence

Sorry we’ve been MIA for basically the last week.  We’ve been out doing big things.  First I’ll share some updates on what I know has been keeping everyone up at night: High School Crush. (I just ripped my pants as I wrote this.  I have this fear of my butt crack hanging out and people throwing quarters down it or something, you can ask Lucky, we had a whole discussion on me finding a coat that would cover my butt crack if it was hanging out, she came up with the simple genius solution to pull my pants up, as easy as that sounds sometimes I just have to carry too much and my life sucks ass so of course my pants don’t always fit because I don’t have time to go shopping for new ones.) Anyway…

We didn’t meet up last Wednesday night, my life flashed before my eyes and I was like welp toilet seat bun in the oven, our lives end here. BUT just when I was about to sharpen the razor and was literally telling Lucky that I am going to have to wait another 10 years to try again, he texted me right as Snoop-Linus was calling, and Lucky and I were in the middle of the story and I was screaming, “WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!” I mean really, if I get 2 or 3 texts within a minute of each other I have to stop and sit down to decipher what’s going on and what I need to reply to these texts, then if a phone call comes in… well that’s when I go home and call it a day.  Too much shit going on.  Back to HSC…  I’ll just say he’s pretty much my boyfriend and we’re pretty much getting married and I’m almost pregnant, twice.  The official status with HSC is: In Process and by the will of God will happen because I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Getting back to reality, this weekend was day of the fruit of the loom costume we wore to be funny for SHIT U’s football game Saturday, it was a smash hit, we basically had paparazzi following us around all goddamned day. We looked that good.  You’ll have to wait for Lucky for the pictures.   But, there’s no good time to mention this but it needs to be said, so here goes…Buttons was dressed as the grape section of the loom, her grapes were soiled by the cat and then were abused and motorboated more than a few times. Once I looked over and saw a guy latched on with his teeth.  NBD, only the most hilarious thing ever. I got a full martini dumped on me the night before.  And we got nothing for free.  NOTHING.  Shards of glass in our food, a wet foot, and me and everything around me wreaking of bleu cheese and vermouth.  I was pretty much the epitome of that martini filled car drunk driving commercial:

Yep, that was me.  Except that I had 0 martinis, but I did have the hiccups.  What an asshole.

That commercial really pisses me off though.  Did they really put all that shit in those cars? Because I am in need of a new car and that’s just wasteful if they flooded those cars for a fucking drunk driving commercial.  Christ. A new car is imperative to my social well-being.  Lucky can vouch that something died in my car and is rotting away and I have no idea where it’s coming from.  We had to ride home from the mall in that stink pot.  Conveniently after the window roller upper broke off too.  No fresh air.  That’s the smell of someone coming for welfare.

P.S. Anth and I are having this convo right now via bbm and it’s cracking my shit up:

Me: If I move there will you make me tacos every night?

Anth: NO! I don’t remember being invited to a Gizzy graduation party. So YOU owe ME!

Me: That’s because there is no reason to celebrate graduating college after 7 years.

Anth: That should be an epic celebration

Me: You can throw me one, I’ll act surprised.

Anth: Out of the question

Me: I do so much for you, and get NOTHING in return.

Anth: I hope KP and VS hoes just start making out tonight

Me: All I want are some tacos.

Me: WTF are you talking about?

Me: Freak

Anth: The VS fashion show!

Me: Oh

Me: So about the tacos

Anth: I thought that was a solid no

Anth: Ok, IF you move here, I’ll make you tacos.  For your birthday.

Me: Ok, so every day?

Anth: If you clean my bedroom and kitchen

Me: OK! But everyday, like whenever I want them you come running.  You’re my taco bitch.

Me: Who can I live with when I move there?

Me: Wanna be roomies?

He quit replying, so I guess that’s a no.

But back to the weekend….

We saw douchearoo.  And we sat there for a good 15 minutes strategizing an exit plan so that he wouldn’t see me exiting a bar at noon on Saturday drunk as a skunk wearing a giant apple costume with a worm puppet attached to it.  The plan was for me to look for a clear path to the door and run like the wind.  It was good in theory but when an oversized drunk apple is darting through people nothing good can ever happen.  I knocked over numerous things/dropped my cup at least 4 times and made more of a scene then I would have had I walked up and shook douchearoos hand.  Not only was he starting at us, the whole bar was.  I’m amazed at how each weekend I am able to trump the last embarrassing thing I did.

But, can I say 1 thing? I called it. Remember way back when, when I received a friend request from the leader of the has been’s douchearoo and I said I gave it a week before he texted me? Well it took a month and him seeing me in a giant apple costume, but it happened.  Saturday night around 2am started the following texting:

Douche (2am): Conveniently I heard your song on the radio tonight

Douche (10am): I guess you don’t respond to drunken texts anymore

Douche (10:45am): Well I saw you Saturday dressed as an apple, it’s nice to see you still appreciate the juvenile things in life.

Me (10:46am): And you can fuck off.

Douche (10:47am): Would you want to get a drink tonight? I’d really like to see you and talk to you, it’s been a while.

Me (10:48am): Douchebag.

Douche (10:49am): Well let me know

I laughed really hard for a solid 4 hours about this, AND told everyone I know, including my parents, and my 6 year old sister.  It’s a little bitter sweet that he wants me back, but he really is the faggots of all faggots. That was the hardest breakup I’ve ever been through and he’s trying to do it all over again.  Lucky for me when I’m done with a guy I’m done with him.  I’m repulsed by douchearoo now and wish him only the worst in life.  What’s even funnier is that the fat version of me he was dating dumped him a few weeks ago, now he’s alone and no one wants him.  Bru-hahahaaaaaa!!!! Take that asshole!

Now it’s time that I #1 apologize for being a crazy scatterbrained freak when I wrote this post and #2 bid you ado so that I can get drunk and pass out.  Toodles!

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6 thoughts on “Pardon our absence

  1. I can’t wait to see the Fruit of the Loom pics.

    Those texts from douchearoo crack me up!

  2. Prius Envy says:

    Bwahaha! Can’t wait for the Fruit of the Loom pics. Bianca, Bailey and I are hitting up Vegas this weekend, maybe we could borrow the costumes?

    Also – proud of the text convo with Doucheroo! Hilarious!

    Busy finding “only appropriate in Vegas” attire,

    • So jealous you girls are going to Vegas!!! And you can totally borrow the costumes, they actually attract more guys than you think, or should I say distract? I don’t know, we had a lot of guys approach us I’ll just say that.

  3. Catherine says:

    I wish him only the worst in life.
    LOL. I envy your freedom to be completely honest (and ruthless) on this blog. If I said something like that, my mom would call me immediately and ask me to reconsider. My boss would say, don’t you think you should be a bit more mature? And my ex would probably file some sort of order to keep me from blogging about him (he’s already mentioned that he’s over it – wishes I would stop. Wondered out loud of he could MAKE me stop.). LOL – keep it up ladies!

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