Amazon is trying to kill me.

Hello all! I promise Gizzy & I are getting back to our regular postings, it has taken me awhile to get back into the swing of things after that delicious Turkey Day break. I promise we won’t be getting off-track for anymore holidays, because my family hates me and is ditching me for Christmas and Gizzy cancelled our New Year’s Eve trip to Party City. So I will be at home for the rest of my life, putting bricks of cocaine on a golden scale labeled: reasons my life sucks hard, reasons I shouldn’t kill myself. But anyway…

I stayed home sick yesterday, so today is my first day back in Loserville. And it sucks, bad. But that’s not what I’m here to discuss today. It’s time I talk about Amazon.

Really, I’m not that much into Amazon. I think, in my entire life, I’ve only ordered five things from Amazon. One of them being one of those straight blade razors (the old fashioned kind) for my then-boyfriend last Christmas. I changed my mind and sent it back, even though it was pretty cool.

Other than that, I’ve bought a few books. But despite my scarcity among the pages of Amazon, they still think they know me. I was surfing around on the site Sunday night, hoping for some good deals on Cyber Monday. So, I clicked on Amazon’s “recommendations” for me. They are as follows:

1. Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan

Shane has a monotonous temp job at an insurance agency, where he is supposed to alphabetize paperwork but instead spends his time sleeping on the toilet. After work, he is besieged by a gallery of grotesques: a vapid girlfriend who sexually brutalizes him; an absurdly macho neighbor with a leather-clad guinea pig for a sex slave; and his dentist’s deaf assistant, who sings atonal karaoke, teaches him to sign obscenities and furnishes a wispy narrative thread by getting murdered.

Out of all the recommendations for me, this one sounds so fucked up I might just have to order it.

2. Men Are Better Than Women by Dick Masterson

Through a process of exhaustive man research he calls “keeping his eyes open,” Dick Masterson has compiled a Magnum-size list of the ways men are better than women. It is an infallible compendium of man’s greatness, filled with the most egregiously fallacious arguments ever put to words, but with some kind of miraculous, rock-solid man logic dripping like motor oil from every sentence.

“By Dick Masterson”? Really?

3. The Modern Drunkard by Frank Kelly Rich

Attempting to deconstruct America’s joyless obsession with sobriety, The Modern Drunkard offers today’s befuddled drinkers a comprehensive and instructive manual on how to drink-and how to do it well.

Excuse me, Amazon, but I think I have this covered.

4. Faking It: How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself by the writers of College Humor

The prevaricating pros who helped students glide through seven years of college in The CollegeHumor Guide to College are back to show post-grads how to turn life into an “Easy A” by, well, faking it. From sounding like an MBA to bribing the ma”tre d’ to acting sensitive post-sex, here is everything aspiring equivocators need to know to B.S. their way to success in the real world. As the authors remind readers: “The important thing isn’t who you are; it’s who other people think you are.”

At first, I thought this sounded like a book I needed, but really, I think I’m too lazy to fake anything.

5. The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Handling Chicks by Karl Marks

Ever wonder why the a**hole always gets the girl? The answers are all here in this cradle-to-grave primer outlining how women can be manipulated, frustrated, and ultimately dominated through-out the course of a man’s life.

Apparently Amazon thinks I have a dick, and that I have no success with dating and sex of any sort. They’ve got half of it correct!

6. Death and Dying: Life and Living by Charles A. Corr, Clyde M. Nabe, and Donna M. Corr

Practical and inspiring, this best-selling book helps you learn to cope with encounters with death, dying, and bereavement. The authors integrate classical and contemporary material, present task-based approaches for individual and family coping, and include four substantial chapters devoted to death-related issues faced by children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly.

What. The. Fuck?

7. A Practical Guide to Racism by C.H.Dalton

A Practical Guide to Racism contains sparkling bits of wisdom on such subjects as:
• The good life enjoyed by blacks, who shuffle through life unhindered by the white man’s burdens, such as reverse racism and white slavery, to become accomplished athletes, rhymesmiths, and dominoes champions.
• The sad story of the industrious, intelligent Jews, whose entire reputation is sullied by their unfortunate taste for the blood of Christian babies.
• A close look at the bizarre, sweet-smelling race known as “women,” who are not good at anything— especially ruling the free world.

I bet DDM is just eating this up with a spoon like Christmas puddin at Bob Cratchet’s home. I’m not a fucking racist, okay?!?!?!

In conclusion, Amazon thinks I am a male, fresh out of college who has no knowledge of interacting with other humans, no idea on how to drink or get laid by the proper slut. I’m clearly a racist and terrified of death and would enjoy reading novels about men sleeping on toilets.

Sigh.

As promised, here are the pictures from the football game in our Fruit of the Loom costumes:

That would be Buttons, as the grapes, Gizzy as an Apple with her worm puppet, and yours truly as the naner.

Me and Buttons, sloppy drunk. That whole costume-around-the-face thing really sucked, I will say. It made me laugh that everyone understood our theme, even though there is no naner in the Fruit of the Loom bunch—it’s an apple, two bunches of grapes, and a set of leaves. So, all day I kept feeling like this character from the 90’s Nickelodeon cartoon:

I totally wished I had a pair of those banana shoes!

If you haven’t read our first L, G, & SG advice column below, please do! Give our girl some advice…and if you got a problem (Yo! I’ll solve it!) shoot us an e-mail at: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

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18 thoughts on “Amazon is trying to kill me.

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    Shit. I’m scared to think that I’ve been getting drunk wrong all these years.

    Better go buy that book and learn how to drink the right way….

  2. Catherine says:

    LOL Love the costumes! Love love love them! What a fun idea. Where was this idea at Halloween?

  3. 36x37 says:

    I’m guessing Dick Masterson has never gotten laid in his entire life…or he never, ever wants to have sex ever again because girls are just so yucky.

  4. I need to point out that I did not cancel the NYE to Party City because I wanted to. My wretched whore boss told me I have to work on NYE. I’m still contemplating calling in sick/quitting on December 29th, but it’s a hard trick to play when your parents are your superiors. LOVE YOU LUCK! I’m trying to find a way!! So nobody hate me for being a bad friend, even though I am for getting a job right before NYE. FACK.
    -Gizzy

    • Melissa says:

      g… did you just call your mom a wretched whore boss? Do you work for your parents , or just same business?
      too funny!

      • Hahahah no my “boss” is someone different. She’s not really my boss but she thinks she is and tells me what to do. Technically my stepmom and my dad are my bosses but they don’t care thats why they delegate me entirely to the wretched whore who ruined NYE.
        -G

  5. Alexia says:

    I can’t believe you guys actually dressed up as fruit…

  6. Melissa says:

    Excuse me, Amazon, but I think I have this covered

    God you make me giggle. I think I need that book just in case I am doing something wrong. I need all the help I can get. And I need it by my drunken bday party tomorrow night. New boy my friends me drunk = not having new boy any more. Probably!

  7. Woo-hoo! The Fruit of the Loom pics. Love ’em.

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