I’ve been begging Buttons to write a guest blog for us about her new boss, because she always tells me the hilarious stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!
I have been at my job for about 1.5 years. Recently I got a new boss. Her very first morning I was sitting at the stop light in front of my work. The person in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green. I threw my hands up in the air and said, “WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THE LIGHT IS GREEEEENNNNN”
The car proceeded going about 5 miles per hour. I stayed close on their ass and then honked. The car pulled into my work and then took their time picking out a damn parking spot, as they backed in I threw my hands up again and said, “WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!! You don’t need to back in!!!” I parked, got my shit, and ran inside. The person driving the van followed me in and then a coworker introduced us.
Buttons.. this is our new boss. Fucking awesome. Way to make first impressions!!
This lady is CRAZY. She wants to be besties with every employee, sings at work, butts her way into every conversation, constantly talks about her e-Harmony relationships and doesn’t understand why she has been on 15 first dates and never a second.
We will start off with this scenario: One morning, about 8 am my boss came up to me and said.. “Hey Buttons, guess what? I don’t make my kids set alarms I sing to them to wake them up. ‘THIS IS THE DAY THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE THAT THE LORD HAS MADE I WILL REJOICE I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT’!!!!” My response: “If you were my mom you would have two black eyes.” Apparently she didn’t think that was very nice.
A few days later she announced: “Buttons, when you are finished with what you are currently doing I need to see you in my office.” WTF? I went to her office she told me that we had to have a one on one meeting and that it was routine, but apparently I was the only person in the office that had to have one. She got out a fucking note pad like I was in a therapy session.
This is how our convo went down:
Boss: So Buttons I thought we should touch base about some things we have previously talked about. The first I want you to grade me on how I have been improving things since I have been here. The first thing is the schedule. How have I been doing on on that? If you could please grade me from an A to an F, being the worst.
Boss: Oh really?! I thought I would at least get a C- or a D.
Buttons: Why do you think you would get anything better than an F?? The past month I have had to call every Sunday night to see if I need to be at work the following morning.
Boss: Oh ok I guess we will be done with the grading. Now I do have one question, sometimes you are in a great mood always smiling and laughing, but other times you seem so mad. Why is that?
Buttons: Honestly? I just really do not want to be here and sometimes you get in my personal space. It really bothers me. I don’t want to feel your hot breath on my neck when I am at my computer.
Boss: Alright. Thank you for your honesty. Anything else?
Buttons: WELL now that you asked there is something else. I don’t like it when you sing at work. It’s not very professional and actually it’s just really annoying. Also, I think you need to host a class and teach all of our customers how to add, because I’m about sick of telling people 100+100=200!
Boss: OH Ok wow. Well, I can’t promise you I won’t sing but thanks for being honest! As you know our assistant manager is leaving next week so, I will have to split her jobs up between the rest of you guys.
Buttons: Umm well are you going to pay each of us 1/4 of her salary for picking up her jobs? I don’t think so! I hope you can find someone to replace her soon.
Boss: Oh ok well that was a nice meeting, looks like you should get back to work.
The next day, during our morning office meeting she announced: “Well guys Buttons told me yesterday that she doesn’t like my singing.”
The meeting continued then she came over towards me to hand me something… “OHHH NO I don’t want to get too close. Buttons also told me she doesn’t like it when I get in her personal space.”
By then I was thinking WTF a one on one is confidential what the hell else did I say that she thought it would fine to make an announcement to the office.
So I need some ways to piss her off. Should I turn her in to HR for singing songs about Jesus… I definitely do not have a problem with the Jesus part but I am pretty sure that is not appropriate for the work place. Should I get drunk at the Christmas Party and puke all over her house. Should I make a fake e- harmony account and email back and forth with her for a long time then stand her up when we agree to meet?? Any ideas guys?!?!