Monday night, my ex boyfriend was texting me. Not the disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex, my ex from high school. He was my very first boyfriend, when I was 16, and was also my first kiss. Aaaawwww…I know.
We’ll call him Garland, because that’s his last name, and I used to joke that if we ever got married I would name our children Juniper and Pine. Hardy harrrrr. Anyway, everything was all sweet and shit, until he called me one night and said, “if the relationship isn’t moving forward physically, then it isn’t moving forward.”
So naturally, he dated a whore, while I went off and gave the basketball team blow jobs. No, really. I mean, all I ever did with Garland was makeout and occasionally let him touch my boobs, because it was my first time doing everything, of course I was nervous. And it wasn’t like he ever tried anything and I shot him down…he just dumped me to be an asshole.
Of course, he wanted to get back together later and I shot him down. However, when he asked me to prom later that year, I said: “I guess so.”
Anyway, after the disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex dumped me earlier this year, I was on a trip with some friends, when I randomly got an e-mail from Garland saying he was at his parents’ house going through a box of old things when he found some CDs I made him, and so he started thinking about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We started texting a little, and he told me that he was still heartbroken over his ex fiancee. I guess they lived together for a year, she started whining about them not being engaged, so he bought a ring. When he proposed, she said she didn’t like the ring, so he bought a second ring (I know, right?)—she said yes to the second ring, and then dumped him four months into the engagement.
In a year, she was already married to someone else.
Yeah, I feel for him. He’s really sweet, but a bit boring. Take last night’s conversation for example:
Garland: I’m looking for some new music. Can you recommend anyone?
Me: Eh, I really haven’t been keeping up. I’ve been listening to xmas tunes.
Garland: Ha, that’s right. I avoid it on the radio because I listen to it for about 10 hours a day at work.
Me: I love it! I cannot get enough of Wham!’s Last Christmas.
Garland: Is Wham a radio station? Are you getting gifts for your friends?
Me: No!!! Wham is an 80’s group!!!
Garland: Oh yeah…I think I knew that. So Wham’s Christmas album, huh? I’ll take a look.
Me: I don’t think they have an album. It’s a classic song called Last Christmas. Nevermind.
WHAT THE FLIP?!?! How can someone not know who wham! is? Ugh.
Anyway, I’ve started using all natural cotton tampons. Why, you ask? Because Buttons, bless her little ginger heart, told me this story about this young girl who died of toxic shock syndrome in our home town. I know what you’re thinking—that’s rare, and she must’ve had the tampon in for hours or days. But she didn’t. The news article I read said you can get toxic shock from having a tampon in for two hours. Unfortunately, when the girl went to the hospital, the nurses and doctors there weren’t trained to know it was TSS. Scary, huh?
So I did my research and learned that TSS comes from a bacteria that often grows in the synthetic fibers of our tampons. While it hasn’t been proven that you can’t get TSS from an organic, natural tampon, no one ever has. And with all of the anxiety I had after reading the article and changing my tampon every hour, I broke down and shelled out the extra cash for a glorified cotton ball.
At Whole Foods, where I purchased my eco-friendly vagina corks, they were oin the paper section, right there next to the organic paper plates and the green paper towels. Lovely.
I did notice something odd—the boxes were incredibly tiny. Why? Oh, because they have no applicator. See:
One box I purchased (luckily) had them, but I had to search very hard for the tiny print: with applicator.
Trust me, it isn’t really fun to use a tampon with no applicator.
When I went looking for a Google image of my new brand of tampons, I came across some very interesting (for lack of a better word) methods of staying green while on your period. Brace yourself.
1. The Cup
I’ve heard of the Diva Cup before…and then I saw the Lunette. Both are reusable, come in two sizes (“average” and “slut”) and basically it’s a cup that sits inside your vag. Hmm…
2. The Sponge
I think we all probably think of Elaine from Seinfeld—she loved the sponge. Only that sponge was to be used as a contraceptive during sex. Sigh. This is literally a sea sponge you use in leu of a tampon. And it says it’s reusable. In the words of Kevin McAllister, “Sickening.” Oh, but it gets worse:
Sea Pearls are harvested directly from the sea. These sponges are thoroughly washed, sanitized, dried, and inspected. Occasionally, small pieces of coral or shell may be found. While these sponges are packaged carefully by hand, we recommend you inspect and clean your sponges before use. Sea sponges, like tampons are not sterile, and great care should be taken when using them.
Wash your hands well before handling your sponge. Wet the sponge under warm water and squeeze out the excess. With your fingers, squish the sponge and insert into your vagina until it feels secure and comfortable.
WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Shell pieces in my lady parts? Hello! That sounds about as fun as sex in the sand. God damn. No thank you. It says you take the sponge out, rinse it, and put it back in (yeah, I’m shuddering). It does say it can be used as a form of contraception, which makes me think this is some sort of hippie-witch idea because I’m pretty sure the swimmers could make it past the sponge. Just saying.
3. Party in My Pants or (PIMPs)
I’ll let you catch your breath. It really is called “party in my pants.” It’s a reusable pad, folks. Or, as America proper calls it, a diaper, only you can reuse it because it’s made of flannel.
Patterns will vary depending upon availability