Here it is Christmas eve eve and millions of men all over the world are gearing up to ask the biggest question of their lives.
Will you marry me?
On Christmas. VOOOOMMMIIIITTTT!!
If my boyfriend asked me to marry him on Christmas I would tell him to get the fuck out of my house. That’s unacceptable. So here Lucky and I are discussing Tuesday night’s episode of Minute To Win It where the two contestants were a young couple who met in the airport. Standard. Shortly after they won 75k, the guy got down on one knee and proposed. She said yes blabbity blah. Lucky said she cried, I said I threw up in my mouth a little, because I’ll be damned if a guy is proposing to me on Christmas or thereabouts, but on a game show too?! Awwww hell no!! (I guess it’s good that it didn’t actually happen to me then.)
So Lucky suggested I compose a list of all of the ways a guy shouldn’t propose to me, because the list is mighty long. It actually would be more productive to list the ways in which I would accept a proposal but what’s the fun in that? Giddy up!
*First I would like to tell everyone, I got the job!!!!!!!!! Wahoooo!!!! In 3 short weeks I’ll be moving to a rulllll big city and I am scared. What if some gangs try to hi-jack me and I have to pull out the gun (that my dad is going to get me for Christmas, I know it) and they take it from me and shoot me!? AH! I am scared.* Anyway…. back to the list….
*The only thing happening on or around the day of the proposal must be the proposal itself. Ie: Not on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, my birthday, our anniversary, or any other government observed holiday. That’s just a cheap shot and a way to only buy me 1 gift. Ohhhh you’re proposing on our 2 year anniversary, thanks for the diamond, now where’s my gd anniversary gift?!
*The proposal mustn’t be cluttered by anything else exciting happening on or around that day. Ie: The day we go on Minute To Win It. It’s really just cheating us both of the excitement of the actual proposal, because I’m already going to be excited that I’m taking home 75k, how does a measly $5,000 ring compare to that? It doesn’t because I could buy myself 15 $5,000 rings or one massive $75,000 ring. See my point? Wait until I am ALMOST poor enough to want to pawn the engagement ring, THEN PROPOSE. I’ll really appreciate it then.
*The proposal shan’t take place where food is present. Some people like the whole traditional proposing at a nice restaurant riff raff. Not I. To me that shows lack of creativity. If you want The Gizzy to say yes you’re going to have to come up with something genuine that you haven’t seen done a million times. I can buy myself a nice steak dinner and some champagne, lets pull out all of the stops here, because this is only happening once (IF you read the guide correctly.)
*To ensure a yes, at some point in the relationship a guy must buy me 1 dozen long stemmed roses, and show up at my door with them for no apparent reason. “Roses because it’s Monday, M’dear!” This would actually be a great way to propose to me, when I open the door be down on one knee with the flowers and a giant rock. I’d say yes to that. I know it’s lacking the aforementioned creativity factor but this specific proposal technique has the shock factor. I would guess that upwards of 90% of women know when they are about to be proposed to, so when he takes you to the beach, or up in the hot air balloon, or kneels down beside the horse drawn carriage to tie his shoe just as you’re about to step on, you’re not really shocked when it happens. But he’s coming over to pick you up to go get some wings and $1.50 drafts on a Sunday afternoon and you open the door and BAM! there it is, that’s gonna shock your pants off.
*The ring can’t have a hint of a pear shape, gold band, tiny diamonds, actually it has to be a platinum band with one giant stone on top. Case closed, nothing else will be accepted. This is a piece of jewelry I have to look at every day for the rest of my life so you can sure as hell bet a rats ass it’s going to look how I want it to look and if it doesn’t he must just not be the one. I can imagine everyone at home is sitting there thinking, “Oh no wonder she is single, she’ll never get engaged with this bratty attitude!” I concur.
*He should probably ask my dad first, I say probably because #1 I am semi-drunk right now:
Side story: Buttons, Button’s Husband, and I just went to a Winter White wine tasting, it was delish and I am buzzed. I also got into an argument with a homeless man on my walk there. It went like so:
Homeless dude: Hey lady *ching ching ching* (Shaking his money making cup) got some change so I can have a Merry Christmas?
I snarled and shot him a dirty look.
Homeless guy: Lady, it’s Christmas!
Me: Really!?? You’ve got on nicer clothes than me. How about you hand over that cup and give ME some money. Greedy asshole.
Then his business partner chimes in as I walk away.
BP: He’s real legit ma’am, he’s not gonna buy booze with that, I would, but he won’t, he’ll really buy food.
As he struts into a hotel which is my city’s equivalent to the Ritz Carlton.
I’m sorry, but homeless people can fuck off. They have more money than me. Case closed.
Anyway, yeah the guy should ask my dad for permission. My dad would like that, even though he probably won’t like the guy. It’s whatevs, it would just be a respectful thing to do. He should probably ask Ella too, she’s pretty judgmental and if she approves I’d say its done deal and he can hang with the fam.
I know it’s a lot to ask for but if a guy passes all of these tests with flying colors I’ll know it was meant to be. Wamppp wammmp.