It’s Amateur Night!

Wednesday, after a day of eating fast food and napping, I got really productive when I watched season 1 of The Hills on dvd. As stupid as I’m going to sound, I really miss watching it on TV. No matter how many times I’ve seen them, the episodes never get old.

If you recall, season one is pre-everything. Lauren is dating Jason, Heidi is dating Jordon and hasn’t even met Spencer yet, and Audrina is not with Justin-Bobby. When season one was on TV, I thought LC was so stupid for letting Jason treat her the way he did. But now, I realize she was only 20, and when I was 20, I dated a douche, too.

Once that was over, I was attempting to finish a freelance deadline, but I kept getting distracted by TLC and their damn awesome shows—Extreme Couponing, My Strange Addiction, and of course, Toddlers and Tiaras.

Pretty sure Buttons was disgusted with me when I told her I was way too excited for the season premiere that night. I’m sorry, but that shit is funny. So, at the Gizzy’s request, a recap of the Toddlers and Tiara’s season premiere.

Ah, beautiful Arizona. This is where we meet twin contestants Scarlet and Bella, 1 year olds. Already, my mind is boggled. A one-year-old doesn’t know shit, doesn’t do anything BUT shit, so why are we putting them in pageants? Well, we meet the mom. A tatooed, botoxed, lip-injected wannabe, who really just has nowhere else to put her money. She said she’s already put more than a quarter of a million dollars into her girls’ pageant career.

Umm, ok.

Next, we meet 8-year-old Danielle, which I’ve pretty sure has been featured on a previous season. She’s got a fat mom, who just lives vicariously through her competitive, bratty daughter. I mean, this girl is kind of scary just because of how big a bitch she is at such a young age.

She says she doesn’t believe in beauty sleep, because she’s always beautiful, and if she doesn’t win the competition, she will trash the hotel room.

Next is Mackenzie, from Louisiana, a 4-year-old who was featured on last season. This girl is a huge brat, but honestly, that southern accent just melts my heart.

Check it out:

The twins and mommy prep for the pageant by going into the “princess closet,” a room in the house dedicated to 70 tutu dresses, each costing $1500-$2000. Yep. The dad is an optomologist. Call me crazy, but I had no idea they made that kind of money. I mean, these people have a private jet for Christ’s sake!

Meanwhile, Danielle’s mom spends forever waxing Danielle’s eyebrows and Mackenzie meets up with her pageant coach for a glitz photo shoot, where she naturally throws a temper tantrum.

Danielle and her mom practice walking in the living room, and danielle practices her dance wearing the same outfit as the Chiquita naner lady. All is going great. until the pile of faux fruit falls off her head.

Dun, dun, dun!!!

Danielle runs of and cries, telling the camera that she hates when the fruit falls off, because then she isn’t perfect. Moving along, she gets her nails done and a spray tan, and even though she hates wearing makeup (because she doesn’t need it) she does it anyway.

What a little angel.

From there, all of the girls head to the pageant, which has a 50’s theme. After they all do their thing, it’s time for crowning—the most intense part of the show. In the baby category, Bella is the first runner up, while Scarlett is the high-point winner. In the 4-5 year olds, Mackenzie got second runner up, and in the junior category, Danielle got the Jr. Miss Queen title and the Sweetheart title (HOW?!).

But the overall winner, the Grand Supreme, was Scarlett. The baby. What the fuck? The twins’ mom was saying they put so much time and money into the pageants because of the money you win, but they only won $1000…I mean that doesn’t cover anything.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to be somewhat productive on my week off, which has included putting a slew of old books on Amazon. During my search for books, I came across my copy of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex.

I think it’s time for a random tip, you know, for the New Year.

HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOUR DATE IS AN AXE MURDERER

1. Watch for the following:

  • A Caucasian male in his twenties or thirties
  • Obsession with fire or matches
  • Cruelty to animals
  • History of bed-wetting
  • Sexually abused as a child
  • Middle-class background combined with loner behavior
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships

An individual who exhibits more than three of these traits may be dangerous.

2. Trust your intuition

Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

3. Check him out officially

Obtain his social security number and investigate him. Call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202.307.3126) to determine if he was ever incarcerated. Many online companies can aid in financial reports or tracking down previous addresses. You may also want to enlist the services of a private detective.

4. If you discover grounds for suspicion, break off the relationship immediately

Be clear and definite about your decision. Return all of his belongings and gifts. Do not make promises to keep in touch. Be straightforward and kind, and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Do not blame him. Try not to make him angry.

5. Take steps to maintain your safety:

  • Carry a cell phone
  • Install a home security system
  • Change your phone numbers
  • Stay near populated, well-lit areas
  • Apprise a friend or relatie of your concern
  • Document any strange of unusual happenings
  • Take a personal safety/self-defense class

There, now you know.

So I suppose you’re all dying to know what is Lucky doing tonight, on the Night of Amateurs? I am proudly staying in tonight. I’ve stayed in the last two years on this night, because I fucking hate it with a passion. But, for the first time ever, I’m actually excited to order some takeout and watch some TV (Andy Cooper and Kathy Griffin? Yes. Watch What Happens Live? Yes.) and get drunk without the fear of a DUI. A thank you very much!

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3 thoughts on “It’s Amateur Night!

  1. justmarriedgirl says:

    I’m a big fan of low-key NYE celebrations. Why spend all that money to go out, have a so-so time and worry about getting pulled over? Amateur night indeed!

    Wishing you and Gizzy lots of happiness in 2011!

    xo.

  2. I don’t know who is better, MacKenzie or Topanga.
    -G

  3. Alexia says:

    Baby pageants… WHAT.THE.FUCK?

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