Just when you think you know your best friend…

I should probably apologize for the no post Wednesday the other day.  That’s my bad.  I had a whole post written out and I just wasn’t happy about it.  Honestly, I haven’t read it since Tuesday night and I can’t even remember what it’s about.  I do remember outing John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan’s new relationship and boasting about how one of them is a family friend and how I was going to make US weekly give me $5000 and a trip to have me as their “source close to the couple,” but that’s really it.  And that story is like day old bread now, everyone knows about it.  So who I am I? A nobody.  I’m not proud of being needy, but you know gosta do it, money talks.

Can everyone be happy for me for 1 second, because…. I HAVE BRAVO!!! I am soooooooooooo excited to lay in my bed and watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  All. Weekend. Long.

Anyway, you’re all aware that I move to the big city in t-minus 7 days.  The freak out hasn’t officially begun yet, but I was discussing the new apartment lease I am about to sign with Anth and his roomies and he pretty much re-nigged because I have been slow on the guarantee train.  I didn’t “guarantee” that I would be living in the tiny den without a door so they may have found someone else.  HA! I mean, I’m pretty sure him aiding in drunkenly getting me denied from my dream building pretty much signs the deal in blood.  But it’s whatevs, my new 2011 resolution is not to sweat the petty (but to pet the sweaty, BAHA.)(Honestly, I’m about over the resolution, it’s been a week, I figure I beat out half of all Americans.)

I really screwed myself when he sent me a bbm convo between him and his brother and I asked who “Guido Jr” (the other bbm name) was and he said his brother, and I said, whaaa? You have a brother?  Then he really flipped his shit.  Apparently, I don’t know him at all.  I beg to differ, but whatever I forgot about a family member, big woop.

Then I asked if his brother was younger so that would make Anth, Guido Sr..  Then he was all, no grandpa is SR, dad is the original, and my brother is jr.  I had to make it worse by correcting the family loom and being like, uhh hey genius’ that would make him Guido the THIRD.  And he’s all STOP SAYING GUIDO, IT’S GIUDO, A NAME!  Now, I’m definitely homeless.  He’s not responding.

Side note: Ella just came in my room and told me she “went back to eating burritos,” she means doritos. HAHA.

If he wasn’t my only friend within driving distance I would totally shun him to man-whore island, but I can’t.  Because I need him.   I need to keep on good terms with a man just in case one of the following scenarios happen whilst living my new found glorious city life:

1.  I’m walking downtown and my heel gets stuck in one of those sidewalk grates and breaks and I need someone to come and get me/buy me a new pair of shoes.

2. I am on a date and I need someone to be my “emergency call”/come pick me up because the guy was a winner and actually picked me up so if I just run out of the restaurant in a drunken panic I will be stuck, like gum on those tennies.

3. I have a date on a Friday night and the guy stands me up because he suddenly realized he is cooler than me, and figured out I would probably just get drunk on the date anyway because DUH genius! We did meet in a bar.  I will need Anth to make me feel better/take me out for a night on the town to get sloppity drunk.

4.  I get mugged and they steal my shoes but unlike Sex and The City, I don’t need to call the police because my shoes are not from Manolo Blanik, but from Bakers.  Someone will need to bring me some ugly white pumps, and that someone’s name is Anth.

5.  I need someone to be my back-up date to the company Christmas party next year.  Pay back is a BIOTCH.

6.  My heater breaks and it’s too hot in my place and I need someone to come over and turn the knob for me.  You see this in movies all the time, the girls typically look like this:

While I, would look like this:

Only sweaty.  Thus, I would need Anth to come fix the heater because I couldn’t have a guy from down the hall that I’m secretly crushing on come fix it while my hair is all afro and it’s laundry day and all I have is my red knit sweater (I’m trusting that was this girl’s case the day she had this photo shoot.)

7.  I need a date to make a guy I like feel jealous, but WHA? We have to date in secret because he is my professor but he shows up to a party at my house with my arch nemesis, who happens to be Anth’s ex that dumped him because her brother is in jail and he was starting to figure it out.  You could also call me Serena Vanderwoodsen.

You get the picture.  I need someone to be my fall back in any situation that may arise.  Since all of my other guy friends in the city are engaged, Anth has to be the one.  I would do the same for him.  Actually I wouldn’t, I would be his backup to the Christmas party, but that’s really it.  I’m a bad friend, a bad friend who is willing to pay $500 a month to live in a hole without a door, damnit!

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8 thoughts on “Just when you think you know your best friend…

  1. 36x37 says:

    Aw. But everyone needs an Anth. Don’t they, though. I hope he comes around to your way of thinking.

    Enjoy the Housewife-athon!

  2. Melissa says:

    Ahahahha, best post of the day!

  3. dagnydarling says:

    I like you for being a planner like me. People love to hate on our “worst-case-scenario” obsession, but I think it’s brilliant. Kudos, girlfriend. Good luck on the move and maintaining a back-up man, bff, heater-fixer relationship.

  4. Catherine says:

    Ugh, so jealous. I don’t have BRAVO and I have been seriously missing Real Housewives and Top Chef. I had BRAVO when I lived with my ex, and my apartment complex doesn’t carry it. I blame my ex, really. It’s all his fault. Just adds a little bit of fuel to my fire. 🙂 ENJOY!

    • What is with these cable providers not carrying all the good channels!? Mine JUST started carrying Bravo and I couldn’t be happier but now they’ve taken away E!, gain one loser another. Sad sad day.

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