Reasons why I’m not crazy.

I think I can finally breathe. For a hot second. Last week was my first week back at work, and it was rough. Not only did I have meetings, deadlines, and e-mails coming out of my ears, but things outside of work were hellishly busy—I had three major freelance deadlines all due YESTERDAY. Also, yesterday I had somehow managed to schedule a dentist appointment, a hair appointment, in between work, and then give a presentation on blogging (open to the whole city) last night.

I am pretty glad there’s not much on my plate today. But, today, is day 1 of my detox-cleanse. I think I mentioned it before—I completed the detox for the first time 6 months ago. The detox is a 14-day regimen of herbal supplements and a very strict diet: no dairy, no salt, no white sugar or flour, no red meat, no alcohol, no caffeine, nothing processed. It sounds awful, and it really is tough. But since I’ve done it before, I’m hoping it’s easier this time around. Truthfully, it gives me more natural energy and last time, I felt like I weighed nothing because of all the water and natural foods I had.

But I’m apologizing now if I am more irritable than usual in my next few posts (silly Lucky, like THAT could ever happen!).

Anyway, I had an interesting weekend that I have yet to tell you about. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a little bummed lately—it could be all the stress in my life, but I find myself feeling defeated in the dating scene. I feel like everyone, except Gizzy of course, is engaged, married, or on the fast track to happily ever after. I really am happy for my friends who have found love, but being the third wheel is getting really old—I need more single friends!

Friday night was pretty low-key, which I was thankful for. I went out to the bar with a friend from work and we had some beers and watched football. Saturday, I had to be productive on all of that shit I was telling you about. However, Saturday night I was ready to do something fun and get my mind off of things.

My friend Anne invited me out to a roller derby “bout” (what they call a match in roller derby proper). I was pretty pumped, as the closest I’ve come to roller derby was last year’s Whip It starring Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page.

Unlike Whip it, these girls were skating on a flat track, but it was still concrete and still pretty bad ass. Per tradition, the ladies were dressed in fishnets, colorful accessories, with plenty of tattoos and bright hair color, of course. But the best part, were their names. The MC for the night was killing me with, “and your Jammer, Goin Postal is coming through the pack!!”

Some other goodies were Goldie Schlager, Kelly Ripya, Serial Mom…it got me thinking, what could MY roller derby name be? Lucky is just too kind. I checked out a roller derby name generator, and this is what it gave me: Goodass Gold, Karma Suture, Lucy Blackbeast, and Betty the Bulldozer.

I kind of like Goodass Gold 😉 now, if I could only skate.

Anyway, so I’m there with Anne, because her new obsession is the roller derby head referee. No, seriously. So we’re sitting there watching the bout, well I was, but when I looked over at Anne she was using her camera as a pair of binoculers—zooming in so she could watch her guy. Really? I’m happy she found someone she likes, buuuuut…they’ve been on one date.

It’s shit like this that tells me I’m just not as crazy as I sometimes fear I am. Anne told me this guy, we’ll call him Head Ref, has had a crush on her for 8 months, but since she was in a relationship (with someone abusive, I will add) they couldn’t see each other. So she ran into him on New Year’s Eve, mentioned she was single, and he asked her out. All of this is fine and dandy, but like I said, they went on one date…and now she was calling him her “baby” and talking about how perfect he was.

“You know, he’s 28. And 28 is the PERFECT age, and it’s just so nice to have someone pay for you and open doors, just a complete gentleman, I am so smitten.”

It’s time I get real with you, Anne:

  • It’s a first date. If he doesn’t pay, flip the table and call a cab.
  • Chivalry is great and all, but it ain’t everything. The Has Been Matt McFaggot opened doors, paid for me, asked permission to drink beer, was polite in all ways, yet STILL a complete douche.
  • One date does not a boyfriend, baby, boo, honey bunch, make.

I don’t mean to be a cynical asshole about it, but haven’t we learned by now? I don’t know if Head Ref invited Anne to the Roller Derby, but all she got from him was a little, “hey.” We went to the after-party, where we got to see Head Ref surrounded by a group of ladies. When Anne went to talk to him, she didn’t have much luck. Then, he left without even acknowledging her.

Just saying.

In the Year of the No, I just wouldn’t have (and will never) acted this way. I’ve been on way too many first dates to think they are anything more than a simple dinner and getting to know someone. I have a feeling Anne is going to be disappointed within the next two weeks.

Just a hunch.

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10 thoughts on “Reasons why I’m not crazy.

  1. I call Lucy Blackbeast!
    -Lucy Blackbeast, formerly known as Gizzy

  2. So what can you eat during your detox? I’ve always wanted to do one, but I don’t think I have that kind of self control.

    I think Anne is going to be disappointed as well.

    • You can eat white meat (chicken, fish, pork, turkey), whole grains, nuts (unsalted, unroasted), fruit and veggies.

      You can also use soy sauce and olive oil, so I roast veggies with whole wheat pasta, enjoy sushi (with no special sauces) and make turkey burgers and fish tacos!


  3. justmarriedgirl says:

    Next year after baby, I am doing the detox. You have convinced me.

    Poor Anne. She is in fantasy-mode with Head Ref. She’s coming off a bad relationship, and she’s too vulnerable. I made a similar error with a guy named Casey Jones (not a joke), a furniture mover. When I think of it now, how I cringe! But she’ll rebound. Eventually. We’ve all been there, but unfortunately, all you can do is watch her board that train.

    • Yay! The detox is tough, but it really does make you feel better. The most difficult part for me is the no caffeine and no salt (you can have sea salt)—there is salt in everything that you don’t cook yourself!


  4. amanalynn says:

    Aww do you think Anne just really wants a boyfriend? It seems like she has convinced herself that he already is one.
    In my city there is a young professional social group. It’s not a dating group or antyhing (but if there are single guys and gals I’m sure it naturally happens). The idea behind it is that while you are in college its really easy to make friends, but once you are in the working world chances are there aren’t that many people your age in the office (and sometimes office friendships aren’t always the best, trust me I’ve been through horrble office friendships) so the social group is a place to meet “friends” your age doing similar things as you.
    Look one up, and if there isn’t one, make one!! Then you will have tons of single friends!!!

  5. “One date does not a boyfriend, baby, boo, honey bunch, make” needs to be the anthem for women everywhere. Amazing prose, my friend.

    Im sending this to my girlfriend Maggie (her real name) anonymously. She needs this.


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