Does it piss anyone else off that people are still saying “Happy New Year”? Honestly. Every morning when I come into work, someone has to say “Happy New Year!!!” And every single time it makes me wonder if I’m just living in Groundhog Day.
It is only acceptable to say “Happy New Year!” on New Year’s Day, January 1. And that is all. If Valentine’s Day happens on a Sunday (which I believe this year it does), then I’m not going to be shouting, “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!” on February 15. And yes, I understand that Valentine’s Day is one day (thank the stars) and New Years is more of a generic term. But I believe that halfway through January, the year isn’t new anymore. Everyone should be fully aware that it’s 2011. And if you’re not, it’s time to get your head out of your ass.
Anyway, remember when I said I had to go to the dentist Tuesday? Ugh. I hate going to the dentist. It always smells funny—like metal and fluoride or something. Anyway, it was time for x-rays, which I absolutely hate. Even when I was younger, it was torture. Those huge plastic tabs trying to fit inside my mouth scraping all around, ew.
It really isn’t any different now, except the x-rays are digital, which only means the tab is even bigger. The hygienist was getting really frustrated with me that I kept almost vomiting every time she would shove this tab under my tongue. OH I’M SORRY that I’m not as big a slut as you must be, that I nearly gag when you try and shove a plastic box into my tiny oral cavity. She kept saying things like:
“Okay, you keep pushing it with your tongue and it’s ruining the x-ray. Seriously, take a deep breath, we’re gonna get through this, okaaaay?”
I mean anyone who has half a brain knows that it’s just a simple reaction to getting something shoved into one’s mouth. Yeah, I’m going to push back so I don’t choke on the goddamn thing. After all 18 (yes, 18) pictures were taken, I nearly jumped out of the chair and cheered that I survived and/or that I didn’t kill the bitch during the process.
It didn’t help that I had my big presentation that night, something I was anxious about all day. Not only did I want to do a great job, but I had so many deadlines and meetings between my dental appointment and the presentation. The presentation was the light at the end of the tunnel, for real.
A few months ago, you should recall that I gave a presentation on blogging to a group of communicators. While doing so, I was a lil tipsy from my Kahlua-laced coffee.
Well, I did so good on that presentation, someone in the audience asked me to give it again, only to an audience of business owners. I was really honored. And I was also giggling over it because Fatso had given a presentation that same day, but no one asked HIM to give it again.
The company putting on the workshop brought posters and invitations to my office, to which I proudly plastered all over my office door. There was my name, Lucky Goodass Gold, printed proudly among the likes of one of my favorite burrito companies! And a coffee house! A PR firm! Wow!
Now THIS was really something. I was really proud of myself.
When I got to the office after my dentist, Fatso saw me in the hallway and told me he was going to come watch me present that night.
“Errr….oh! ok,” I said.
I went on with my day, made it to the venue, downed a vodka soda, and made my entrance. They had a seat, reserved for me! with my name on it! And there were gifts! And free food! This was so awesome.
The not so awesome part was that I was last on the agenda, so I had to sit through 1.5 hours of presentations before it was finally my turn. But, there I was sitting, about half way through the workshop, when the MC for the evening says this:
“I’m going to go out of order for just a second and I hope this person doesn’t mind me doing so, but there is a person from Loserville here tonight.”
Me! Me! I’m going next! Yes! I smoothed down my cardigan and straightened my notes, preparing to step up to the podium.
“Fatso, the person in charge of the Loserville facebook page is in the audience. And I just want to as, Fatso, would you say a few things about Facebook?”
WHAT IN FUCKING HELL??!?!??! Does he always have to ruin my shit! How is he a local celebrity!? He’s disgusting! And dammit, this was MY night! My fucking night to showcase something I love, something I am good at, and something i do outside of my job…and he just has to shit all over my sunshine.
In the end, I gave my presentation and I thanked Fatso for coming to support me. He is a jerk, but when I thought about it, no one else in my office came. In fact, no one else that I knew came. Woe is me.