Some people really are destined to be…alone.

One night, (I believe it was super bowl Sunday) Lucky and I had a long talk about how we are awkward and a-social, and how we genuinely feel there’s no one out there waiting for us.  This conversation was prompted by #1 my drugs and #2 the fact that it was Snoop-Linus’ birthday, I sent him a Happy Birthday text, and heard nothing back for almost 24 hours.  I was starting to get the feeling that I should just suck up all of Snoop-Linus’ bad habits and cheating ways and be with him, I texted Lucky for a reality check, but when it comes to the two of us we can quickly bring the other one down too, as I did with Lucky that very night.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I don’t know how to talk to people, and I’m afraid it has me doomed to be a lonely old maid or to be with what I know, someone who treats me like shit. I won’t lie, Snoop-Linus finally texted back, we got into an argument, I said some things he said some things, it was ok for a few days, and now it’s back to awful.  If I can’t even get my cheating ex-boyfriend to give me any attention, how in the EFF am I supposed to get it from a nice guy?

It’s not just men that I feel like I can’t communicate with, it’s women too.  Like I can’t even make conversation good enough/act interested enough in peoples lame stories slash lives to get a decent group of girlfriends.  It all just seems so exhausting, and that is pretty much the same way I feel about dating.  Hearing the backstory of every ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and lame friend they’ve had that got them where they are today wears me out.  I mean that’s a lot of talking, and frankly if someone wants to put it all out there I’ll put my face into a pitcher of beer and listen.  But, they better not expect me to reciprocate the stories, because if that’s the case we’re going to need something a lot stronger than beer.  And by that I mean tranquilizers and a therapist.

Of course, I have my current friends who I will listen to/whine to about my problems all day long, but that’s because I already know their stories, I know the people in the stories, and I feel comfortable giving/asking for advice.  But when you meet someone new and they are telling you all of these stories where they’re all, “Oh and THEN John drug me behind his car and left me in a dumpster for dead.” And when I say, “Oh thank god you got rid of him!” And in walks said John with their 3 kids and malshi-poo, I’m the asshole.  So unacceptable.

So here I am, 1 month in to what was supposed to be the greatest decision/fresh start of my life and I’m pretty miserable. Not because I live in the laundry room of a frat house and have curtains for walls, but because I’m too lazy to make friends or find any kind of romantic life for myself.   Even Anth doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore because I’m gross and lately have been coughing things up.  I can’t help it, I’m sick.  So now I don’t know what to do.  For the time being I’m blaming it on the -10 degree weather and the fact that I’m still “adjusting.”  But I can only use these excuses for so long until I have to suck it up and face reality: that I’m probably doomed to be alone forever.  And just in the knick of time for Valentines Day (black holiday, as you will hear it commonly referred to by Lucky and myself.)

Speaking of Valentines day, I realized yesterday that I’m in the same, slightly modified, boat that I was last year.  Last year at Valentines Day I was figuring things out with Snoop-Linus after he had cheated on me a few weeks earlier, and when it came to V-Day weekend he ignored me because I asked him to come home with me to see one of my best friends who was in from out of town.  He said no because that would cut down on drinking time with his friends.  I went alone and stayed at home for the weekend and asked my 6 year old sister to be my Valentine.  She was the best Valentine I could’ve ever asked for, I bought her a Bratz doll and she got me candy and we watched movies all day.  Of course, as soon as I woke up on actual V-day last year (which was a Sunday if you all recall) when the drinking had commenced Snoop-Linus was asking me to dinner for that night because, “There’s no one he’d rather spend Valentines day with,” I don’t think I ever got an apology for being treated like shit and ignored all weekend; I just got a dinner, that I should’ve rejected.

So, in the memory of traditions I’m asking my little sister to be my Valentine again this year.  I’m going to drive my happy ass home tonight after work to play barbies and watch cartoons all weekend, and I couldn’t be happier about that decision.  If I ever find a guy who is OK with watching Disney movies and drinking chocolate milk with my sister and I on said black holiday, he might be in the running as a decent boyfriend.  This is all Neal Bledsoe’s fault.  We could be together right now.

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10 thoughts on “Some people really are destined to be…alone.

  1. I think being your little sister’s Valentine is sweet!

    I have an award for you and Lucky on my blog. Hope it helps to cheer you up!

  2. nikki04 says:

    OMG. Cocktails. You and I need to have a serious chat. Rightfuckingnow. I know I know. I just met you. And by “just met you” I mean invaded your blog. You haven’t even met me yet.

    First of all? Enough with the pity party. Girl, if you are unhappy, STOP simply complaining! Yes, there is a lot of shit in the world and in all of our lives, but stop making that shit the FOCUS of yours! That is the ONLY way anything ANYTHING gets any better.

    Second of all, DO something. Yeah, doing anything without changing your world view is going to end up with nothing changing and more to complain about because you don’t FEEL any better, but words and action go hand in hand. What I do? Make a list of everything I would like to change, then start small and DO something!

    Third? Not all women are as you describe. Oh, hell yes they exist – as you and I are both well aware. BUT. They aren’t all like that. And I avoid the ones you describe like the plague. No one should subject themselves to such bullshit for the sake of “friends”. Quality over quantity.

    Fourth? If I could get every single person, man or woman, to fucking focus on what would make them happy and living their own lives instead of pining for a significant other, I would say I’d accomplished something. YES it’s cliche, but don’t expect someone else to love you if you don’t know why they should.

    Fifth? Get the fuck rid of Snoop-Linus. That fucking DB deserved to be shown the door a long long LONG fucking time ago. He wears on your self confidence and self worth EVEN NOW. That’s one thing you can DO: remove the SHIT that drags you down from your life. No one is going to do that for you. He’s not going to magically become Prince Fucking Charming, and he also isn’t going to leave completely – he’ll just hand around as you allow him to. So cut the fucking chord. You will feel five thousand times better – not right away, but once that sinks in.

    Hey – I don’t mean to be the Bitch here, and you’ll just have to trust me that all this comes from a very good place. I fucking hate it when women are like this – because it’s SUCH shit! There’s no reason for it. Only YOU have control over your life, sweetheart. No one else is going to make it All Better for you – but YOU CAN. And there is a lot of fucking power in that.

    All of us die, but only some of us truly live. Your choice.

    Of course, I have yet to delve into your blog much, so this could easily be a knee-jerk reaction to this post and the one following…. And maybe this is your thing? Please don’t be offended, I tend to speak my mind as soon as it has something to say.

    • Nikki,

      I toyed with the idea of deleting your comment, and essentially you, because you royally Pissed Me Off. However, I felt it completely necessary for our regular readers to see how ridiculous you are.

      “Please don’t be offended?” Oh, I am. Who the fuck are you to come in here with your rainbows and glitter? Obviously, you don’t understand the point of our blog. Keywords: Our. Blog.

      We write what we want, when we want, and how we want. We created this as a place to bitch, moan, and complain about our lives, no matter how worthy a complaint it is.

      Frankly, the fact that you think you have all the answers is comical to me. Here’s an idea: keep them to yourself. The last thing anyone wants to hear when they’re down is, hey! But it’s your fault!

      So yes, complaining is our thing. Join us, or fuck off.

      Sincerely,

      Lucky

  3. nikki04 says:

    Yeouch. Points taken, Lucky. And I agree, I was a too quick with my comment. In my own defense (weakly), depression is a sore spot for me. It runs in my family, and my knee-jerk reaction is things like my comment. However, in reality (as you point out ) there’s a lot I don’t understand. I realize that’s my ish and I am working on it (really). It’s also a sore spot because I do wish people wouldn’t complain as much or be so I-need-a-partner-focused. But again, my thoughts alone. And I have my own blog for them. Which isn’t this one.

    I didn’t mean it’s your fault. Life can be shit and a lot of it is just Life. I did mean that, the only way anything changes is if we take control of how we think and live. Period. No one IS going to do that for you. That I will stand by.

    I don’t think I have all the answers. I have my thoughts/opinions – and I voice them to see what other people think. Hence, I actually appreciate you not deleting me but responding. I also fully appreciate a place for complaints and bitching, and I apologize for jumping the gun and glittering all over something I was so naive on.

    (…am I allowed to bring a unicorn next time? Or would that be too much?)

  4. nikki04 says:

    I meant to include the following sentence: “Not to say you’re depressed. I don’t know that nor would I speculate on it. I’m just explaining my personal background.”

  5. Nikki-

    I am depressed, and rightfully so. I have pneumonia and am buried in 8 feet of snow. I’m allowed to complain about my life because for the past 3 weeks my life has been snow, antibiotics, tv, more snow, and more antibiotics. Had you read further into the blog you would’ve found all of this out – so yes, poor me.

    -Gizzy

  6. justmarriedgirl says:

    Gizzy, you need to feel better soon and then move out of that basement. If you lived in driving distance, I would (a) bring you chicken soup and (b) help you apartment shop! I hate the thought of you suffering in that dungeon.

    Hope things are better this week!!

  7. Catherine says:

    I totally feel you – I was sick for a few weeks and I was totally in the dumps. I’m also feeling pretty down in general – stuck with where my life is, where it’s going (not anywhere, and not fast at all)…. I definitely feel like making new friends, but I agree, some women just downright suck and I really don’t have the energy to weed through the crazies and the bitches. I need to shake something up in my life… but I find myself… lazy. I guess I personally need to get to a point where I’m unhappy enough that I make the changes necessary. Blah. This comment is just to say – I feel you.

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