Ok, you deserve an Edible Arrangement.

I spent half of my day Wednesday in the dentist’s chair for my final leg of work.

Having already had X-rays, a cleaning, and a temporary crown put in on previous visits, I was ready to knock the remaining work (along with the bill) out of the way. I took the entire day off work, knowing I would need a little R&R after a few hours in the dentist’s chair.

So I arrived at the dentist ready to roll around 8:30 that morning. I had scheduled a followup cleaning, and all five fillings (I know that sounds like I have rotten teeth, but I swear they were tiny—in between my teeth, a punishment for never flossing), along with the “delivery” of my permanent crown. Yikes!

I go in, sit down in the dreaded chair, and wait for what seemed like 20 minutes before a hygienist came in and started unwrapping the tools for my cleaning.

Then, some guy in scrubs walks in, not my dentist.

“Hey Lucky, I want you to meet Dr. Joe.”

Joe: Hey there! I’m going to talk to you a little bit about why you think you need braces!

I figure this fat ass must be joking, because I’ve never been told I need braces, never even discussed it with my dentist.

Lucky: eh, hehe, ok…

Joe: So! Why do you think you need braces?!

Ok time the fuck out! This cat is serious! Did they switch my file?

Lucky: Uh heh heh…I DON’T need braces!

Joe: ha ha you don’t think you need braces. Well, we will see about that. Open wide…

He pokes around the chompers for a bit, has me bite and informs me that my teeth are straight. Well, duh. However, I could still “benefit” from braces. As I’m sure everyone could.

He leaves the room and I’m left there with the hygienist—it took every muscle in my body to refrain from saying, “um what in the fucking fuck was that horse shit?”

Eventually, MY hygienist came in and took over, did the cleaning and told me my mouthwash was staining my teeth. But of course it is!

The dental assistant came in and said she was going to fit my permanent crown. Now’s a good time to tell you, my temp crown has been a bit painful. I think the bite was too high or something, so I was avoiding chewing on one side of my mouth for a solid three weeks.

So, when the assistant just grabbed a pair of pliers and ripped out the temp, you can imagine my surprise. I love it how doctors call pain “pressure.” Just say it, “you’re about to hurt like fuckin’ hell.” Because that’s what it felt like.

Under the temp crown, there was basically half a tooth and my nerves. So, she doused a gauzey thingie in disinfectant and jammed it in there. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Could I get a shot up in this club? Damn son.

After she cemented the permanent crown, it felt a little better, but things were sore and sensitive. Then came the shots—one in each side of my mouth. The first 4 cavities were done in 10 minutes. Before the 5th one, my dentist said he would “give my mouth a rest” (heh heh) so there I sat, with my mouth full of gauze while he looked at my x-rays.

While looking at them, he saw an additional “shadow” (read: cavity). He made this huge deal about how he was going to go ahead and fill it for me since I was already numb, but he wasn’t going to charge me.

OH THANKS! Like you’re doing me some huge fucking favor…he’s the one that didn’t see this extra shadow the first time around, not me. It’s the same x-rays he took a month ago when he told me about the original slew of cavities, so it’s not like the lil shadow just cropped up.

Lots of pain and two shots later, I got to leave that damn place. When I went to check out (and pay my $1,100) the receptionist reminded me that my dentist did the “extra work” at no cost.


Like crap, I had three grand worth of work done and you give me a free filling—bfd! Do you want my house and car? So, I did the only thing I could think necessary. I sent the office an Edible Arrangement (one without chocolate).

Thanks for the free filling, have a flower-shaped melon ball, on me!

When all the numbness wore off, I felt like I’d been punched in the face, complete with a busted lip. Don’t know how that one happened.

Oh well, there’s only one thing that can cheer me up: The Director’s Fan Cut of Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never.

No seriously, that’s where I’ll be tonight.

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One thought on “Ok, you deserve an Edible Arrangement.

  1. Catherine says:

    Ugh, this sounds awful!! I hope your mouth feels better. I go to a dentist who swears he’s not gay but I really believe he is, so I spend most of my time analyzing his behaviors and how he talks to male patients versus female. Anything to distract me from the “pressure” which, you are totally right, is fucking pain!!

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