I tell you what. The forces are really trying to keep me from you all these days. I’m too chicken to get on The Blog at work, for obvious reasons. No one at my office can know I have an actual personality. And back at the ol’ dungeon, well, our internet has been down more than it has been up since I moved to the big city, and Anth, our self-proclaimed tech-ie, isn’t doing jack shit to get us up and running. Yeah, he ordered us a new router and hooked it up, but he is the only one who can get online – so that’s awesome. Basically this blog is brought to you via a McDonalds parking lot at 6:30 in the morning. And by god is it worth it. Nothin’ like enjoying a little bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit, a lil bit o hash brown, some oj, and a nice bloggity blog about my weekend.
Really though, going M.I.A. for a week or so every so often isn’t the worst thing in the world. In my head everyone is sitting in front of their computers hitting the refresh button just waiting for an update on my fascinating life.
Anyway on to the good stuff, my weekend was quite eventful; I went on a blind date with an NFL player. That’s right, the normal cheating lying bastards aren’t good enough. Now, I have to date people who even the Virgin Mary herself would sleep with if given the chance.
It was more of a blind do your friend a favor so it’s not totally awkward and I have an escape plan if this goes terribly wrong double date. My friend Celia was asked on a date by a guy she went to high school with and some how I got roped into it because she didn’t want to go alone and who better to set The Gizzy up with to really teach her a life lesson than an arrogant 23 year old NFL player who has been around the block. Twice.
The adventure started out seemingly normal. We downed your standard 2-3 bottles of wine ate some pasta and some steak then I threw up a little in my mouth when I realized where our dinner conversation had gone. It went something like so…
NFL: So, Gizzy what do you do?
G: I work with research foundations, what about you?
NFL: I play in the NFL.
G: Oh, that’s nice.
NFL: Yeah, I only live here a few months out of the year. Do you like football?
G: Not really.
NFL: What sports do you like?
G: I guess basketball.
NFL: Oh speaking of basketball, a few weeks ago I hooked up with Big City Butts Star Player’s fiancé. It was so funny. ‘Cause then, Big City Butts Star player called me up and was like, “Hey man wtf I’m going to come kick your ass.” And I was like, “Man I can take you, here’s my address, my door’s unlocked for you bro.” Pretty much the funniest day ever.
G: Sounds like it.
I’m guessing the date was pretty much over when I said I didn’t like football. I checked out after this point and just made it my mission to get as drunk as possible courtesy of this guy.
After dinner I had a decent buzz when they said we were going to go by one of their friend’s places to drink a few beers before we went to the club. Fine by me. The more booze the better. Bring it onnnn!! I was planning on testing how much alcohol I could drink before getting embarrassing. El experimente!
We were finishing up a game of pool when Celia pulled me aside:
C: OMG! Did you hear them talking about doing Molly? (For those of you who don’t know Molly is ecstasy but some kind of pure/supped up version from what I’ve heard.)
G: NOOO!!! Do you think they did it?
C: I don’t know, they went in the room for a while with the door closed. If they did let’s get out of here.
G: How do we tell? Do the pupils get bigger or smaller?
G: Ok you distract them I’ll look at their pupils.
If the date wasn’t already headed for the dumps the next plan of attack would have for sure ruined any kind of connection I had with this guy.
Celia pulled them over and asked them to look to see if her retainer was still stuck to her teeth. Alas, their eyes were focused. 3 heads trying to look into 1 person’s mouth is not an ideal situation. Basically they thought I was like the weirdest person ever because while they were looking in Celia’s mouth I was positioning myself so that I could stare perfectly into their eyes and see if I saw any crazy. Thank god I did not, at least not the kind we were looking for.
When it came time to head to the cluuurbb… Celia and I were both pretty much over it. NFL was getting recognized by tons of skanks so he had his night pretty much set, Celia’s guy was creepily feeling up on her, so mission get drunk was in full force. After half a dozen shots we went to the ladies room to re-group. We decided it was time for a little dinner-drinking date ditch. That’s right. We walked out of the bathroom and got straight into a cab, after Celia fell in the middle of the street bringing tons of attention to us, of course. So there was no awkward goodbye or the pity exchanging of the numbers between NFL and I. I can’t say it didn’t feel amazing to ditch an asshole that gets whom and whatever he wants and then talks down to people who aren’t ripping their panties off at the sight of him because it totally did.