I’m taking pole dancing classes.
Last night was my second of three classes, which means I’m 2/3 of the way to working dat pole like a true professional bitch. I’ve always wanted to take a pole dancing class, mainly out of curiosity, and it looks like a fun workout.
Now, I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t work out. At. All. So when I showed up to the first class last week and found out we had to lift 5-pound weights in the warmup, I was already sweating.
Yes, I know, in order to lift myself on the pole, I need to have immense upper body strength, which is something I’ve never had, even when I try. But you know, I really DO want to be able to hold myself up on the pole—it’s a hurdle I never even knew I wanted to leap.
I was nervous for the first class, but the teacher (a 60 year old woman who doesn’t look a DAY over 38) is really cool and my classmates (3 other girls all about my same age and build) are fun, too. We all know it’s an awkward situation—learning to do something that’s always been hidden in the underbelly of society, and we’re doing it in front of each other. So naturally, we just laugh it off and cheer each other on.
In the first class, we learned 5 tricks (out of the 16 total).
1. Approaching the pole. This is no laughing matter. You can’t just sloppily walk up to The Pole. You must approach it with ease and seduction, put your hands on your hips and your eyes on the prize, baby.
2. Walk around The Pole.
3. Dip. This pretty much speaks for itself…now dip! Baby! Dip!
4. Spin. This is one of the hardest ones we’ve learned so far, but probably the most fun. It’s a spin, with The Pole, so it looks like you’re dancing with someone. Weird, yet cool.
5. Slide. It’s the most seductive slide down the pole you’ve ever seen.
Last night we learned another handful of tricks—some on the pole, some on the floor (grrr), but we won’t learn anything major (like suspended in the air, hanging on with only your thighs) unless you make it to the advanced class. In order to get there, you have to master these 16 tricks and prove you can hold yourself on the pole.
I think I can! I think I can!
Anyway, after all that work nonsense on Friday, I just wanted to have a good weekend. However, I knew that was going to be a task because I had a ton of shit to get done before I go away for the weekend with Ralphie, Ben and Nicole. I ran errands nearly all day Saturday (after seeing the Director’s Fan Cut of The Bieb Friday night), and then had to get ready for a Stock the Bar party.
I show up to the party, by myself, with what I thought was an awesome gift: a bucket of mojito mix that you simply add water and rum to, freeze it overnight, and voila! 16 frozen mojitos. I brought the rum, too.
When I arrived at this house, it was freshly built, and amazingly American. The host couple was young and pregnant. As time passed, more came in twos. And they were pregnant. So there I was, the only single one there, and happily NOT preggers. I played drinking games by myself.
Then, it was time to open the gifts.
As we sat down, I noticed most everyone bought the bride and groom to be, some type of reserve something or other, except me. Oh well. But then, one of the husbands behind me says, “Who brought the rum.” He said “rum” as if it was bottled horse shit.
“I brought it,” I said. “What’s the problem?”
“Who brings rum?”
“I did, so fuck you,” I said.
Everyone heard me. Luckily, everyone stood up for me and the douche apologized. What killed me was his wife was sitting right there and didn’t even say anything. Why would you talk shit about someone’s gift when obviously that person is somewhere in the room?
Anyway, I continued eating and drinking…and before I knew it, I was caught in the pregnant corner with nothing to say. When I ran out of wine, I moseyed into the kitchen for a refill and one of the boyfriends said, “hey! You’re the one taking pole dancing!”
“I saw on your Facebook that you were taking pole dancing and I asked Molly (his gf) about it,” he said.
The girls gathered around me, asking me questions about the class, while their boyfriends nodded in glee—so happy they didn’t have to be the ones to convince their women to do something naughty. Here ye! Here ye! Gather ’round to hear the town slut!
One of these days I’ll find my very own man to be proud of my graceful, yet sexy, moves in the boudoir. But for now, I’ll just have to show off to my ladies in the pole dancing class. After all, for the last class, we get to invite all of our girlfriends to watch our routines.
“Saw so many pretty faces before I saw you, you. Now all I see is you, I’m coming for you. Don’t need these other pretty faces like I need you, and when you’re mine in the world, There’s gonna be one less lonely girl.”