My life can be summed up in one Usher song. Hrmm, okay maybe a few more too (Burn, Nice & Slow, You Make Me Wanna).
But right now, Confessions part II. No, I don’t have a chick on the side who’s three months pregnant.
But I have been talking to my ex. The Disgusting Trashy Cheating Bastard Ex.
If you haven’t thrown your computer out the window at this point, thank you, kind readers.
You might recall him calling me one night in November, on his birthday. I was sad, I missed him terribly, but knew I needed to keep trying to hold off talking to him. So I did.
But he kept persisting, saying the usual things our exes say—he made the biggest mistake ever, he cried, he didn’t expect us to even be friends, etc.
Eventually, I caved and replied. At first it was very casual and sporadic. He wanted to call, but I told him I wasn’t ready.
When I finally was ready, we talked, and it was nice. It wasn’t mean or sad, it was friendly. It was nice.
After talking on the phone for about a month, I agreed to see him for the first time on a Saturday afternoon. He was texting me, wanting to see me, but I was out running errands. So I told him if he wanted to see me bad enough, he could join me on my errands.
So he did. It was something we’d never done together and it was nice.
Since then, we talk more often and see each other when we can. We aren’t back together, although that idea isn’t off the table. You all probably think I’m crazy, but I know most of you have been in my shoes, too.
Maybe it worked, maybe it didn’t, but just like most things in my life, I have to find out for myself—even if it involves getting hurt (again) in the process.
Believe me, I didn’t want to tell Gizzy, Buttons, my mom, and especially not Nicole and DEFINITELY not you guys. My friends and family are protective of me and I’m very thankful for that. And I’m thankful everyone has been kind to me in my decision to just let my guard down with the DTCB-ex.
Of course, I’m entering the ex-territory with super caution. Obviously there were problems there—some that are fixable, and some that may not be.
A lot of those things we’ve discussed. Did he cheat? What do we need to improve? What are his future plans? What is his ideal relationship? Most importantly, what do I want?
And things, we have yet to discuss. But I promise, no leaf will go unturned.
As of now, the feel of our relationship has changed greatly. Since a majority of our previous relationship was filled with drama…I feel like we are actually getting to know one another as people.
Both of us have been in damaging relationships before we met. And often, two guarded people do not mix well in a relationship. The baggage was a small part in keeping us from knowing small things about each other—likes and dislikes, quirks, etc.
It’s been an interesting few months, with him back in the picture. Although it hasn’t been all smiles and lollipops, I can say I’m generally happier.
It sure is interesting what happens when you don’t demand anything of a person—he calls me more, checks-in when he doesn’t have to, calls just to say hello…
Last week, he bought me a pair of tickets to see one of my favorite jazz artists. A definite romantic move, and I’m tickled to death. Friday, we got into a tiff, so he came to my office to apologize and surprised me by taking me back to his old house—to the steps where we spent that old Valentine’s Day I told you all about.
It was sweet.
But don’t think I’ve gone all sappy on you. I’m still the same girl, trying to be strong and smart, all at the same time.
And who knows, maybe in two weeks I’ll be on here bitching about the same old shit, and how him and I fucked it up again.
As I said, I didn’t want to confess it to you all. But when Gizzy and I made this blog, it was made with the sole intent to be a place we could come to a say exactly what we wanted without the fear of judgement.
So I hope you’ll appreciate that. And the fact that the music video features Usher, shirtless.