Welcome to my party, bitches.

I realize I haven’t opened up to you, financially. But I figure it’s been long enough—we can talk money, right?

Good. Because all of this wedding nonsense has got me broke.

There is an episode of Sex and The City where Carrie brings up a good point. What do we singletons get in terms of celebrating? We spend time and money on our friends and their successes/life achievements. We go to stock the bar parties, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers…

And it all adds up.

In terms of my salary, I make plenty of money for what little work I do. And I write for two magazines and a blog, all paid on freelance terms. However, I’m a really big saver—all of my freelance money goes into my savings account.

So, when I get paid from work I pay all my bills first (rent, cable, electric, spa membership, cell phone, insurance) and I put a little into savings. Whatever is left over, goes toward gas, groceries, and hopefully booze.

But these last few months have left my budget rather tight. Let’s see where it’s all going, shall we?

1. Bridesmaid’s dress: $260

2. Flight for bachelorette party: $90

3. Stock the bar party: $50

4. Bachelorette weekend 1: $200

5. Bachelorette weekend 2: $250

6. Bachelorette weekend 3: $200

7. Bridesmaid shoes: $90

8. Bridal shower gift: $65

9: Hotel room for wedding: $300

10: Wedding gift 1: $50

11: Wedding gift 2: $50

12: Wedding gift 3: $50

13: Rehearsal dinner dress: $100

14: Dress fitting: $15

15: Cocktail dress for weddings 1 & 2: $85

Total: $1,855

Yeah, that’s two month’s rent. I don’t mean to be a bitch, really. I am happy for all of my friends getting married, I wish them the best, and I don’t want to complain about the money. Because, I know, it isn’t about the money. But damn, I didn’t realize how expensive all of this celebrating can get.

I’ve heard people say it before—what do we get for being single and successful in other ways? Jack shit. So how can I host a fabulous, “Lucky isn’t engaged, married, or pregnant” party that involves raising funds for me to spend on other people who are?

It could be a casino party…and the house always wins.

Or, I could open my apartment up as a restaurant for a few nights, boil a bunch of noodles and charge $30 a plate.

WWBD?

The Bieb would host a private concert. But I can’t sing. I only know one song on the guitar and one song on the piano.

Maybe I should just go the old fashioned route and set up a spiked lemonade stand outside my apartment.

If I weren’t so scared of my own blood, I’d donate plasma for $20 a pop…let’s see…I’d have to go to the blood bank about 93 times to get the money I need. Fuck.

I need to think on this more. Please let me know of any ideas you have…I know you are some smart cookies.

In the meantime, my broke ass has been watching the TV I’ve already factored into my monthly budget, instead of enjoying nights on the town. Nothing like an $8 bottle of frost citrus vodka and E! on a Friday night. I’ve got a pretty hot lineup of shows I’ve been into lately.

1. After Lately: it’s Chelsea Handler’s new show. I used to love watching Chelsea Lately, but it’s gotten a little old. But one night a few weekends ago, I got sucked into a few episodes of After Lately—it’s a behind-the-scenes look at her crazy comedian staff—and I fell in love.

2. Celebrity Apprentice: I’ll admit it, I’ve got a crush on the Trump family (note to self: marry a Trump to pay for weddings), so I’ve been a huge fan of apprentice from the beginning. This season, I’m finding great pleasure in watching the train wreck that is Gary Busey…not to mention LaToya Jackson.

3. The Real Housewives of Orange County: You already know I’m a sucker for all of these ladies and their shows. While OC isn’t my favorite, it ranks high. I love love love Gretchen, and although I hated Alexis last season, she’s growing on me (aside from the religious shit).

4. Top Chef: I used to be obsessed with this show, but put it on the back burner (hehe) for awhile. However my taste for it is back again and I cannot wait for the season finale TOMORROW…I’ve developed a lil crush on Richard. While I’m not a fan of his chemist, nitris-oxide bullshit, I think he’s a cutie.

Now, there are also a TON of shows I’m looking forward to that are coming up…The Real Housewives of New York (Starts next Thursday, April 7), Fantasy Factory (starts Monday, April 4), and thanks to Gizzy’s info, Audrina (starts Sunday, April 17).

God, I’m a loser.

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8 thoughts on “Welcome to my party, bitches.

  1. Jeff Silvey says:

    “So how can I host a fabulous, “Lucky isn’t engaged, married, or pregnant” party that involves raising funds for me to spend on other people who are?” I like the fundraiser idea. We all need something like that these days.

    And watching TV is awesome. Nobody is a loser for watching TV, IMO. Of course, I don’t have cable, so who am I to talk? Netflix does wonders, though.

  2. I hear you on the wedding and baby shower front – I went through my closet the other day because I don’t remember buying an article of clothing last year – I honestly think I went around town naked or totally shabby looking. My husband kindly reminded me that we spent a fortune on other peoples’ weddings…3 dresses, etc for 5 weddings, one of which we had to fly to the States….we never had an “official” wedding…we had a nice party – no presents required!

  3. kayisacute1 says:

    Gurl, I am the queen of supplemental income, lol. I make a pretty penny but with two girls (one’s a teenager and the other is a tweenie) I am broke before I get pd, smh. I have done everything from hiring myself out (not that way – get your mind out of the gutter) to having stripper parties (not me again, ppl would pay for me to put my clothes back on, lol)

    you could type resumes or do other clerical work at home (post on craig’s list) They never have to meet you, they can add the new info in the body of the email and attach an old copy of their resume. Depending on how fast you type, you could knock out a few during C/A while your watching the Donald’s and Mini me (That’s what I call his sons and his oldest daughter). Charge about $20

    Stripper shows you could charge about 10 to 15 bucks a head – this I wouldn’t advise unless you personally know strippers (I do, they are falling out of the sky here in Philly)

    You could have your own “Stock the bar party” with your “Adult” lemonade stand charge $5.00 a glass.

    Fight Parties, 20 bucks a head (get a case of beer, some chips and pretzels and a couple of sandwich platters from WAWA. Tell you guest you will have beer but it’s BYOB

    The list goes on and on but when inviting your friends/co-workers (I strongly suggest you leave co-workers out of it unless you know them real well) don’t be coy. Let them know you are having this party to supplement your income so they come with loaded wallets. At first not many will come but after a while, word will get around (about your second party) and you will be getting ppl calling you every week trying to find out what you are hosting next.

    Good Luck!

  4. Housewarming parties! When did you move into your place? It could just be superdelayed.

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