I wanted to like, work you out…

I had chocolate truffles for the first time ever last night, and it’s a good thing I just joined a gym because I have the potential to get very fat.  So that’s my big news, I joined a gym… and a tanning salon.  I’m trying to get my pretty back since working with old people and being up before it’s light outside has taken it’s toll on my looksies.

Anth and Doogie conned me into using a guest pass to try out the gym with them aka their subtle way of telling me to get off the couch and stop eating Wendy’s.  I went once and decided that the gym was something I could work into my schedule a few times a week.  Day 2 at the gym was a whole different story.

Here I was pumping away on one of those elliptical thingys and my work out ends.  I hopped off, wiped the bead of sweat off my forehead and saw a man standing there looking at me, “Are you coming in or going out?” he asked.  “Oh I’m leaving, it’s all yours.” How embarrassing.  I don’t wear cute clothes to the gym, I wear my old ratty t-shirts and my 1 pair of yoga pants so that I don’t have to use up my good pajamas in case there’s a fire and I get stuck standing on the street and there’s a hot fireman or something, you know the old Always wear underwear in case something happens! thing that mom’s say.  Anyway, I was looking less than stellar when the guy tells me he is in fact a trainer at the gym and… “I wanted to, like, work you out.” At this point 2 scenarios popped into my head:

#1 He’s hitting on me, maybe he’s one of those guys that’s into the au natural look.

#2 He noticed I only traveled 1.2 miles on that machine yet I was on it for 35 minutes and feels like I need some tips.

Soooo… then Anth walked up and it got even more awkward, as if it’s so ridiculous that a guy would talk to me he flies past the trainer not even noticing him and says we’re leaving in 15 minutes.   So I tell the guy, “Ok you have 15 minutes.”

He took me to these yoga mats and did some even more awkward kama sutra type “stretches”

Needless to say that lasted about 2 seconds and I was like, UM BYEEE!! But not before he could ask me out.  Of course! So I gave him my number and told him I couldn’t go to dinner this weekend because it was my birthday when he insisted on coming out for my birthday as my “date.”  I mean, is LOSER plastered across my face so large that you can meet me for 2 seconds and know 3 days before my birthday I don’t have a date for it? Whatever, I needed to meet new people.  So I said ok, but that ruining my birthday would be hard to live up to so he had his work cut out for him – in the past I’ve had boyfriends not remember my birthday, boyfriends cheat on me on my birthday, and boyfriends throw me surprise parties with none of my friends in attendance, twice.

So that was how I got a date for my birthday, until the next time I went to the gym and Trainer Timbo didn’t recognize me and I heard him pull the same line on another girl.  NEXT!

Everyone keeps asking if it will be awkward when I see Timbo at the gym again.  How could it be awkward? He doesn’t recognize me and I don’t exist.

Tonight I’ll be socializing with some other gyminites, I have an appointment with a trainer.  I made the appointment before I met Timbo and told them I wanted a girl specifically for the reason of feeling awkward with a guy being all up in my junk.  That is until I saw the girl who is going to be my trainer Sunday night.  Her name is Annie.  Annie get your roll on.

Yep, they assigned me to a fat trainer.  WTF Bally’s.  I mean I’m not going to take anything she says seriously, #1 she’s got a good 60 lb’s on me #2 She’s going to slap me across the face when I tell her I want to lose 4 pounds and do some preventative bingo wings exercises.

COCKTAILS AT TIFFANY’S WORD OF THE DAY: Bingo Wings

Definition: Excess fat/skin on the lower triceps that jiggles like jelly when you get a bingo.

Synonym: Chicken wings

Use it in a sentence:  Her bingo wings were flapping in my face.

Bingo Wings

So, this should be interesting.  I’ve been practicing having a mild heart attack and mapping out escape routes all night so that I don’t have to offend anyone/can still show my face at that Bally’s again.

WWBD to not have to work out?

Drugs.

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6 thoughts on “I wanted to like, work you out…

  1. amanalynn says:

    Ok, I’m glad you are back!! This post was HILARIOUS!!!

  2. Matthew says:

    I will never be able to eat another type of wing ever again in my life because of this. Guess it’s just celery for me at Buffalo Wild Wings now.

  3. OMFG i’m crying from laughing.
    Thank you!

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