Yesterday started out seemingly normal, I got to work an hour after every one else and got twice as much work done in the time I was there, nothing too out of the ordinary. Right before lunch I felt it. The beloved cramps that mother nature brings us lovely ladies every single god forsaken month. Any male readers/women who are confused about their gender that don’t want to hear about my period should stop reading now.
So, I start digging through my potato sack of a purse to find a tampon and come up with nothing. I go out to my car and look, nothing. So now what? I knew I had seen some of those dispensers in the bathroom with quarter tampons so figured I would just get a quarter and buy one of those. I didn’t have a quarter so I had to take the long way around the predicament and gathered up all of the nickels and dimes roaming free in the bottom of my purse and headed down to the soda machine to insert my money and then hit the change button, it gives you quarters every time! I know I’m a genius, you don’t have to tell me.
First, I went into the unisex single stall bathroom so that I could purchase my tampon in peace without having office rumors flying around about how Gizzy was caught in the ladies room buying quarter tampons out of the dispenser. I placed my quarter in the little slot and turned the oh holy crank as far as it would go and it got stuck. I practically ripped the dispenser out of the wall trying to get the effing tampon out and it still didn’t work. I decided my options were to face my demons and either go to the public ladies room to buy a quarter tampon or to buy a quarter pad, “napkin” as the dispenser and I like to call them, out of this private dispenser.
I chose the public restroom, hoping that no one would see me. But of course I didn’t have another quarter so roaming in my purse I went again. Finally I was faced with tampon dispenser #2 and…The. Same. Thing. Happened. Ok! “Napkin” it is. Nope. After literally spending $6 to try and get a tampon or “napkin” out of every dispenser in the building I decided I was going to pick the lock on the dispenser in the single stall unisex restroom. Why not right? I sure as hell earned my fucking quarter tampon.
**Q & A Intermission** – I know what you’re all thinking…
Q: Gizzy! You’re so stupid, why didn’t you just ask someone for a tampon?
A: I’ll get to that later on in the story
Q: You nerd tard, why didn’t you just go to a CVS, they’re on every corner?
A: Because I work in the heart of the ghetto and I would shove an empty toilet paper roll up there before I’d venture out in the ghetto and risk getting shot, mugged, and raped.
Q: Gizzy! You’re a woman, every woman knows to have back up tampons in their purse and car.
A: Normally I do, but I used all of those last month when I didn’t know Aunt Flow was on her way and forgot to replenish my stock. WHICH, will never EVER happen again.
Q: Ok, you’ve made your point, quarter tampons were your only option, carry on…
So I was finally able to pick the dispenser lock and what to I find? An empty dispenser and it appears as though that jank as dispenser has never even seen a tampon or “napkin” a day in it’s fricking life.
I stood in the unisex single stall and started to weep. I wept because I am too old to be in this situation but mostly because I really wished I had a PIMP. Oh, how handy a pimp would’ve been. Granted I would’ve been washing my PIMP out in my office sink, but still, it’s the thought of never being tampon/”napkin”less that matters.
Now my options were to ask all of the women in my office for a tampon/”napkin” or make myself a diaper out of toilet paper. I tried the diaper thing once in 8th grade when I went on a weekend vacation to my friend’s parent’s friend’s house because I was 13 and embarrassed that I started my period and forgot my “napkins” (back when I wore them) so when it was my turn to shower I turned on the shower and dug through the bathroom cabinets to find materials to make a sturdy diaper for myself. Really? Could I be any grosser? I was 13 seeping sweat and nastyness as it was, didn’t shower, and then I wore a diaper for a weekend. I just…have no words.
Anyway, the diaper idea was out for obvious reasons. Even though I already knew the answer from every woman in my office would be NO they don’t have any tampons or “napkins” I can have because they’re all 15 years past menopause I embarrassed the shit out of myself anyway and asked. As embarrassing as that was now every one was going to know I’m the one who broke all of the sanitary supply dispensers in every bathroom in the building. I saved my boss for last because she is the youngest and my only hope and if she didn’t have one I was going to have to ask to go home.
I don’t think I’ve ever explained how my boss is a cold hearted, snide, weird, scatterbrained, freak. Well she is and I was really hoping someone else could help me out so I didn’t have to drag her into it but alas I walked into her office with my tail between my legs and told her the situation. “Well what do you want me to do about it?” She said. So I didn’t even ask if she had one, I just asked if I could go home. She said I could on 1 condition… I had to use my vacation hours. Awesome, I’ll do that, and I’ll never come back you wretched whore. I was gone for like an hour and a half so it’s whatever. But, the lesson I learned is that maybe having a PIMP or two hidden under the spare tire in my hoopty wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Something to ponder…