Did everyone have a Hoppy Easter? Mwhaha, I had to. I went home to visit my family for the weekend, it was exciting as usual. As soon as I walked in the door my mom started in with the latest Chunky Salsa stories.
Apparently Chunky Salsa has had her eye’s set on a new pair of flip flops and by God she was going to do everything in her power to get them, including steal them. I did noticed at Ella’s birthday party a few weeks ago Chunky Salsa was wearing a pair of Ella’s flops, I just figured she didn’t bring any pool friendly shoes so it was NBD. But my mom tells me after that day Chunky Salsa asked Ella to bring a pair of flops for her to wear while they were at school, so Ella did. Then Chunky Salsa came over and they asked my mom if Chunky Salsa could have the flip flops, my mom said no and they carried on. When Chunky Salsa’s parents pulled up she ran out the door, grabbed something out of the bushes, and went on her way. When my mom asked Ella what Chunky grabbed out of the bushes Ella told her about how Chunky had this idea to hide the flip flops in the bush so she could have them even after Ella told her our mom said no. I told you, Debil!!
THEN, this past Saturday afternoon Ella and I are getting ready to go to our aunt’s house and Chunky calls and asks Ella if she can come over. Ella tells her we’re getting ready to leave and Chunky says, “But my dad is taking my brother to the doctor and I’m going to be at home alone.” So Ella says she’ll call our mom, of course mom says no, Chunky calls back and Ella tells her no, then Chunky says they are taking her brother to the hospital and she’ll be left at home alone for 2 days. I looked at Ella and said, “She’s a liar, get off the phone.” Ella being the smart little 7 year old she is fights back and calls Chunky out asking why she lied and that she thinks Chunky just doesn’t want to go to the doctor with her family and that lying is bad and she has to go.
I’m sorry but I am tired of this fat little fuck corrupting my little sister, it’s only a matter of time before Chunky Salsa convinces her that it’s cool to lie, cheat, and steal and they’ll be in kindercare juvie. I’m going to tell her not to expect me to come bail her and her trash ass friend out of kiddie juvie because it’s not going to happen, you want to hang with people like that you can suffer the consequences.
I did tell Ella that maybe she should consider inviting some of her other friends over to play instead of Chunky Salsa and she agreed and then proceeded to tell me she broke up with her long term boyfriend Chaz. When I say long term I’m talking the whole school year, that’s like 10 years in the first grade world. So we have the following Q&A sesh:
Me: Why did you break up with Chaz?
E: Because I didn’t like him anymore. Now my boyfriend is Jeffrey.
Me: How did you break up with him?
E: I just walked up to him at recess and said I’m breaking up with you.
Me: Was he sad?
E: No, he just ran away.
Me: Who is nicer Chaz or Jeffrey?
E: Probably Chaz, Jeffrey doesn’t bring me flowers like Chaz did.
Me: You should probably get back together with Chaz.
E: But I don’t like him.
Me: Sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to. Does Jeffrey say mean things to you?
E: No, he just doesn’t bring me presents.
Me: Do your friends like Chaz or Jeffrey better?
E: All of the girls love Chaz.
Me: So why don’t you like Chaz?
E: Because Jeffrey has cooler clothes.
Me: What makes his clothes cooler than Chaz’s?
E: Well, like Jeffrey likes pink and rainbows and Chaz likes blue and sports.
Me: You should get back together with Chaz.
E: Do you have a boyfriend again?
E: Are you going to get one?
Me: Maybe in a few years.
E: Are you going to have babies?
Me: Maybe in a few years.
E: You know you don’t have to be married to have babies. You could buy one or have one without being married.
Me: Trust me, I’m getting closer to that every day.
I won’t lie, my conversations with my 7 year old sister are better then conversations I have with 99% of adults. That remaining 1% is Lucky.
Family gatherings always lay on the pressure to get married and start a family. I see my mom looking at all her brothers and sisters with their grandkids and just looking at me in disappointment. I mean all I can really say is, “Sorry mom, I went to college instead of getting knocked up at 18.” Everyone is always asking if I’m seeing someone and asking about the millions of guys I’m seeing in the big city. I can’t break the news that millions = 0 so I just pull the classic Sex and the City line, “I’m dating, but no one special.”