I am not the doctor.

If you thought my Saturday was interesting, there’s a whole ‘nother day of the weekend I have yet to share.

And because I am now suffering from a chest cold and can apparently sleep for 10 hours and still be tired, this is the first time Gizzy is hearing it, too. Aren’t you all so special?

When I wokeup Sunday morning, I was ready for John to get the hell out of my bed and I could get on with my day. I had two things planned: 1. Pool, and D. Make a tater salad for the work party.

John asked me about said plans, and I told him just that.

“Well is that going to take all day?” he asked.

Yes, yes in fact it will, is what I wanted to say. But I didn’t. I just said I didn’t know. Which brings me off-topic. Why can’t I just freaking say what’s in my head? I blame it on The Ex.

Anyway, he said he was hoping to take me to lunch after he ran a few errands. I said okay.

So we went to lunch. And it was there, sitting at the table, that he really started to annoy me. He told me three stories back-to-back about him and his friends and their fishing experiences during a trip to Mississippi. I wanted to bang my head on the table. There he was, cracking up at some story about a water moccasin, and I was shoving fries into my face just to stay interested.

Finally, it was time to go, and he dropped me off and left without me having to makeup some excuse about being busy.

I had been texting with Clay and we decided to meet up at the pool again. So there we were, sippin’ on brewskies and talkin’ shit. So I asked him what was up with his girlfriend. And he said he didn’t really know, they were always off-and-on. I put him in the same category as JBelt and kept drinking the poison.

So we get in the pool. And he kisses me.

Oh, to be a player. Kiss one guy in the morning, and another in the afternoon.

We drink his entire cooler of beer and he wants to know what we’re going to do afterward. I tell him I still need to go to the grocery to get my fixings for the tater salad. So he he’ll come with me and we can pick up dinner.

So, we go back to my apartment, put his shirt in the dryer…and naturally other clothes come off while we wait.

I honestly didn’t think I was that drunk, but considering what happens next, I just might have been.

He carries me to my bedroom and I can already foresee the awkward conversation that we’re about to have—because I was on my period. DAMN.

Now, I’ve never had a one-nighter (in this case a one-afternooner) so I was planning to avoid the sex thing entirely. But, I will say, this kid is hot. We’re talking ripped stomach, tall, tan, huge arms, and the whitest teeth you’ve ever seen.

So we’re on my bed, stripping the remaining garments, and I tell him the bad news. He looks at me like I’m an idiot, proceeds to get us both naked, and THEN, he treats me to a bartle & james, DESPITE what I had just told him. GOD SEND.

I decided I should return the favor. So I do. Then, I come up for air, and ask him how he feels about Pop Rocks included into the mix. Where did that come from? No clue. But alas, I had strawberry Pop Rocks in my pantry (I swear I’m not a slore) and I went for it.

If you’ve never tried it, I would suggest it. I don’t think it really makes a huge difference for the guy, but it sure is mighty tasty.

So we continue to fool around a bit longer—and then, the scene from Sex & the City happened. Where Miranda is hooking up with her running buddy and he goes in for tossing her salad and she’s kind of freaked out by it.

Well I’ve never had a guy do it, until now, and it was sort of nice…until he tried to put his dick in my ass.

Obviously I couldn’t see what exactly happened back there—but it wasn’t the funnest thing in my life, I immediately let out an “OW,” which ended that sherade. And yeah, my ass hurt all day Monday and I was terrified to poop.

But don’t worry kids, all is good over here. I figured he would bolt afterward, but he still wanted to accompany me to the grocery. So we picked up a pizza, a movie, and the tater salad ingredients and had a lovely evening. And he stayed over.

It was a random, random few days.

I hope my wild streak has ran its course…well, for the time being.

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10 thoughts on “I am not the doctor.

  1. Oh. My. God. I’m sitting here with the blow dryer running in my hand drying the air instead of my hair because my jaw is on the ground. Good work my dear friend, good work.

  2. amanalynn says:

    LOL this story made my week!!!

  3. Matthew says:

    I feel as if any remaining innocence I may have had has now been completely stripped away.

  4. Hurray for Clay blowing off the period. Hehe…I said “blow.”

    Thanks for the tip about the Pop Rocks!

  5. justmarriedgirl says:

    Lucky, you are in season! I predict a very good summer for you.

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