Last time we left off with Gigi informing me that my ex Snoop-Linus was trying to hook up with my Ex-friend Mercedes. So, I made it for my mission for the night to find the hottest guy possible to hook up with…
We were at bar #1 for about 20 minutes when fight #1 between Gigi and her boyfriend broke out. (Side note: It is now my STRONG belief that boyfriends and girlfriends should not be drinking in social atmospheres together. Dinner with friends where you don’t get up from the table? Ok! College bars? Not ok.) I was in the bathroom during the initial exchange of words, but when I got back Gigi was ready to roll out and no one else was coming with us. Of course I couldn’t be a shitty friend and be like oook vagina blocks are gone lets get this party started! and had to suck it up and sit outside bar #1 and hear the sob story of why they were fighting (girl he hooked up with before they were together was within the 4 walls of the bar, not hanging out with them, or talking to him, crazy.)
Eventually we made it to bar #2 where upon entering a group of guys approached us and asked if we would hypothetically fuck their friend under the right circumstances. HELLO! I didn’t want to sound like a slut, but this was EXACTLY what I was looking for! I started giving said guy my sexy (drunk) eyes and licking my lips while his chatty friend wouldn’t shut up about how Gigi’s legs are a mile long and how she should be a runway model for Alexander McQueen. Hold the bus.
Lets restate everything he just said and emphasize the important parts…
Asked if we would hypothetically fuck their friend under the right circumstances. His chatty friend wouldn’t shut up about how Gigi’s legs are a mile long and how she should be a runway model for Alexander McQueen.
Is anyone else’s gaydar going off?
After he name dropped Alexander McQueen I checked out and ordered us a round of shots, and when I say us I mean me. I ordered 4 and drank 4 all to myself. I whip back around to hear, “Ahh if we weren’t gay we’d totally fuck the shit out of you girls. Loves you!” Goddamnit, it’s true.
After they walked away Gigi went back into depression mode. “See gay guys think I’m hot, why can’t my own boyfriend appreciate me?!” And drug me over to the corner to hear more about how having a boyfriend is just soooo hard. About that time here came Gigi’s boyfriend and his friends. They tell us they are going back to his apartment and they’ll see us tomorrow. It was 2:15 and I decided any chance I had at meeting a guy at that hour who wasn’t going to barf on me was slim to none. I told Gigi that we should walk to taco bell and go back. So we did, as we’re rounding the corner to her apartment she decided we needed to keep walking and go to her boyfriend’s.
We walk in and him and his friend are playing halo, Gigi sits down and immediately gets pissed that he’s not paying us any attention (mind you, it was also her boyfriend’s birthday) and says, “Fuck you assholes, we’re leaving.” So off we go. ALSO mind you, Gigi doesn’t have a phone and thus begins the fighting via MY PHONE. They fought on the phone about nothing important for upwards of 2 hours until they finally drunkenly ended the relationship. I love my friend to death, but thank god I couldn’t take it anymore, now I can get some sleep and dream about all the ass I’m not getting. Nope. Then Gigi sobs to me for another 2 hours first about her boyfriend which then turns into how her 4 best friends from high school are neglecting her and how no one bought her a birthday cake and god knows what else. Sometime around 7am she finally decided she was all cried out and we went to sleep.
At 8:24am her boyfriend starts non-stop calling my phone because why? They are supposed to leave at 10am to go on his birthday camping trip and need to go to the store before hand to get supplies. I get up and tell her he’s calling, she waves her hand away so I take that as she doesn’t want to talk to him and go back to sleep. 30 minutes later she wakes up scrambling around and calls him back. They fight for another 2 hours now about how he can’t remember what they were fighting about the night before, and then they decide they should meet up to fight and start to fight about whose place they should fight at. Like really? I kind of wanted to die. They break up again and Gigi says he can go on the camping trip alone. Before she can get emotional/call him again I interject with a, “Heyyy lets go get some breakfast, that will make you feel better!” Honestly, if I didn’t get food in me ASAP I was going to be ralphing grade D beef, hot sauce, and tequila down my shirt. We did and on the way Gigi FINALLY realized she was being a bitch because it was his birthday after all and decides to call him and invite him to breakfast. Of course he doesn’t want to go, because who would? And they decide they will get together to fight when we’re done eating. Post breakfast we walk over to his place, his friend and I pop Bad News Bears into the DVD player and pass out on our separate futons to be awoken 2 hours later by a back together Gigi and boyfriend. Gigi takes me back to her place so I can slit my wrists and go home and tells me this is pretty typical of them when they drink. Shit, I’d either be not drinking or breaking up. That fight exhausted me and I was only an innocent bi-stander.
So there you have it, another weekend of no action and another weekend to add to the 14 month dry spell. If I stop posting and responding to comments all together it’s probably because I got arrested for selling it on the street. Forrrr a nickel.